"It's like live porn," says one participant, "but with your favorite person as the star"

By Josh Sims / February 15, 2023 6:34 am

It’s been five years since K, as she prefers to be known, got into what she calls “the lifestyle.” This educated, middle-aged woman, and mother of two children, has sex with other men and then tells her husband of 20 years all about it. On occasion, he watches. They both love it.

“That idea had long been part of our fantasy life, but when I had children my sex drive tanked and my husband and I became disconnected,” she explains. “But we started communicating more openly, part of which was being very honest about our desires. Eventually my husband told me he wanted to make that fantasy a reality. At first, I pushed back hard against that. I thought it was weird, not least because it’s hard enough for wives and mothers to claim our sexuality in a monogamous relationship.”

After four years of discussing their mutual concerns, and recognizing that, as she puts it, “while the idea of having sex with a stranger is objectively hot, there are a lot of things to consider very seriously for anyone in a long relationship, with children,” they decided to go for it. K contacted an old male friend — a friendship that, back in the day, might have been something more — and, in a conversation that must have raised at least one of his eyebrows, put her proposal to him. Some time later, they had sex.

“I expected to feel guilt but actually felt elated, while also being terrified at what reaction my husband might have. But he was just so excited for me. It was an experience that reconnected us,” enthuses K. “This kind of relationship is absolutely about sex. But there’s so much more to it than just that. There’s a mindfulness to it.”

Since then, they have enlisted a series of men for her to sleep with. When her husband watches, she says, “it’s like live porn, but with your favorite person as the star.”

In another context, K’s husband might be referred to as a cuckold, and very much in a negative way, as the term has historically been used to mock men whose wives are unfaithful. And yet the term is slowly being reimagined as a descriptor of just another form of sexual expression. This January, the second-annual Cuck Week was celebrated, which entailed a flurry of part-celebratory, part-educational podcasts, blog posts and online discussions, all facilitated through the sex and relationships app Mon. (K is the event’s organizer.) Meanwhile, “cuckold” has become a top search term (if not the number one search query) for many porn sites. It seems as though, whether in fantasy or reality, many men like the idea of another man getting it on with their wife.

The popularity of cuckolding in pornography has likely introduced the idea to more couples, including those to whom it may never have otherwise occurred. Of course, there’s a huge difference between fantasizing about your wife having sex with someone else, and the reality of it.

“Sometimes there is simply an interest [for men and women alike] in fully exploring the woman’s entire capacity for sex,” Ley adds. “There’s an interest in fulfilling female sexuality.”

While it’s tempting to conclude that this is all about male gratification, and motivated by male desire, Ley’s studies suggest cuckolding doesn’t tend to correlate with indicators of an unhealthy relationship or of disregard for one’s partner. K argues that the experience has been transformative for her and other women like her.

“It is empowering, and that translates into other areas of our lives,” she says. “It allows you to see yourself through a different lens, not least because it’s one thing for your husband to say he finds you sexually attractive — that’s what he’s supposed to say — and another for a ‘stranger’ to say it. It’s flipping sexual stereotypes too, those very specific ways in which society sets us up to view male and female sexuality. They’re diminishing for women. And for men they can be toxic — that expectation that the only masculinity is that dominant, alpha bro one.”

learning that they’ve been handed down a bad deal with regards to their sexuality and they’re more ready to challenge it, to address sexuality [in its manifold guises] as just something that’s part of what it means to be human.”

But there is one thing that’s likely to keep cuckoldry a niche endeavor: as David Ley suggests, most of us are not man enough.

“It actually takes an incredible amount of emotional strength to do this, to free your partner in this way,” he argues. “You have to be more secure in your relationship and to accept that you’re not going to be everything [to your partner]. And that’s very, very tough. Would I do it? I used to say no. But now I think, well, if there was a mechanic, or someone who could clean up the yard too, maybe that would be helpful.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5798493&forum_id=2/#49433437)