Larry pushes a giant Costco cart piled high with random bulk items: an industrial-sized box of granola bars, a kayak, and way too many rolls of paper towels. Jeff is with him.

LARRY: (gesturing at the kayak) You know what the problem with Costco is? You come in for paper towels, you leave with a boat. Nobody needs a boat, Jeff.

JEFF: You’re never gonna use that.

LARRY: I might use it. I might take it out. Paddle around.

As Larry speaks, he notices a woman (CUSTOMER) handing out free samples of cheese cubes. There’s a small line.

LARRY: Oh, look at this. Free cheese. This is what America’s all about.

Larry waits. When he gets to the front, he takes three cubes instead of one.

CUSTOMER: Sir, it’s one per person.

LARRY: (incredulous) One cube? One? What am I, a mouse? You can’t give out one cube. That’s not a sample, that’s a tease.

CUSTOMER: Sir, please—just one.

Larry huffs and puts two cubes back. Another CUSTOMER (big guy, tough-looking) walks up and takes five cubes without hesitation.

LARRY: (to sample lady) Hey! Hey! That guy just took five! Five! Did you see that?

CUSTOMER: Sir, please, I don’t want trouble—

BIG GUY: (turns to Larry) You got a problem?

LARRY: (nervous but defensive) Yeah, yeah, I do, actually! She tells me “one cube only,” I follow the rules, and you, you’re walking away with a cheese banquet. That’s not right.

BIG GUY: Mind your business, old man.

LARRY: Old man? Old man?! I’m younger than I look. It’s misleading. I’m spry!

JEFF: (muttering) Don’t do this, Larry.

The Big Guy steps closer. Larry holds his ground but looks terrified.

LARRY: You know what this is? This is sample inequality. You can’t have rules for me and no rules for him. This is a democracy! It’s Costco, not North Korea!

The Big Guy lunges like he’s going to grab Larry’s cheese cube. Larry yanks his hand back.

LARRY: (screaming) You can’t take someone else’s cheese! That’s assault! That’s dairy assault!

CUT TO: Costco security escorting Larry, Jeff, and the Big Guy toward the exit. Larry is still yelling.

LARRY: All I wanted was two cubes! Two! That’s not excessive! That’s moderation!

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you’re banned from samples for the day.

LARRY: (stops dead, stunned) Banned from samples? At Costco? That’s like banning a kid from Halloween! What kind of life is that?!

Larry storms off, muttering as Jeff shrugs helplessly.

JEFF: (to security) He really likes cheese.

--

INT. JEFF & SUSIE’S HOUSE – EVENING

Larry and Jeff walk in. Susie is at the kitchen counter.

SUSIE: What the hell happened at Costco?! I got a call from security! SECURITY, LARRY!

LARRY: Oh, come on. They’re exaggerating. It was a minor altercation.

SUSIE: (yelling) Over CHEESE, Larry?! CHEESE?! You almost got Jeff banned from Costco for the rest of his life!

JEFF: (sheepish) They did say they’d “review my membership.”

SUSIE: (furious) Who the f*** gets into a fight over a free sample?! You cheap, bald lunatic!

LARRY: (defensive) It wasn’t about the cheese, Susie. It was about principle. PRINCIPLE! She told me one cube, I follow the rules, and this guy takes FIVE. Five! And nobody says anything!

SUSIE: Oh, boo-hoo! So what, he took five cubes! You’re never gonna eat that kayak you bought instead!

LARRY: (offended) I might. If there was kayak-flavored cheese, I might.

SUSIE: (explodes) You’re unbelievable! You’re banned from samples for LIFE in this house, Larry. LIFE!

LARRY: (pauses, incredulous) You can’t ban me from samples in your house. That’s not enforceable.

SUSIE: (screaming) WATCH ME!

LARRY: (to Jeff, muttering) You see? Same thing as Costco. Different dictator, same North Korea.

Jeff covers his face as the theme music kicks in.

SMASH CUT TO:

“Curb” theme plays

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5780643&forum_id=2:#49308452)

quiet room with jodie foster?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5780643&forum_id=2:#49308510)