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woman: "i did something horrible and now i feel terribly guilty"
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:04 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets her friend: "i'm so sorry for you. don't feel bad" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17197989) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 3:43 PM Author: sienna organic girlfriend lol yes (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322422) |
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Date: March 1st, 2011 1:07 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets look i don't know if you even did the reading in lit 612 or if you were hungover for it or what but there's this french woman who says the male conception of fidelity is a discourse of power that interpellates the female as becoming rather than being so if anything I would say you were "cheating" only in terms of the rules of the language game the patriarchy asks us all to play. regarding child support I just think all men need to learn how to take Others into Care. oh and which season of sex and the city should I bring (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17403254) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 8:46 AM Author: Dashing Pea-brained Sanctuary Hominid 's wonderful, 's marvelous (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410722) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 9:04 AM Author: sienna organic girlfriend that makes sense, you know? harraway later problematized the latourian concept of agency by noting that its interpenetration (um, hello!) with the machine is an essentially "masculine" though contingently male construct, and when we are reduced to the machine, as women, we are less than fully cyborg. that was in my anthro 511 class i think, and i was like, yeah, *i* want to be a cyborg! so anyway i fucked the professor and TOTALLY, season two. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410762) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 12:01 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets at the same time if you've read judith butler you know it's all like HELLO! IF YOU WANT TO FUCK A ROBOT JUST GO AHEAD which is what i TOLD him but he was still ANGRY because i think he doesn't agree with my theorization of frat boys as robots. but at least i helped him get in touch with his "feminine" i.e. emotive, vulnerable, surviving, taking-into-Care side. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17411732) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 9:14 AM Author: Light awkward twinkling uncleanness brethren (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410792) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 12:02 PM Author: startled razzmatazz background story 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17411735) |
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Date: March 12th, 2011 4:43 PM Author: hairraiser mischievous quadroon 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17492029) |
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Date: March 22nd, 2011 3:24 AM Author: Chartreuse Jap Really Tough Guy 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17573793) |
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Date: April 6th, 2011 1:10 PM Author: Cream Wonderful Gaping (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17697870) |
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Date: April 11th, 2011 2:33 AM Author: supple spruce legal warrant blood rage 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17738124) |
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Date: July 4th, 2011 1:09 AM Author: Jade degenerate dog poop tyft (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#18415382) |
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Date: September 26th, 2011 1:20 PM Author: sexy appetizing ceo (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#19046861) |
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Date: September 26th, 2011 1:23 PM Author: curious cuckold (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#19046887) |
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Date: November 11th, 2011 7:42 PM Author: Spectacular wild telephone (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#19348364) |
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Date: March 12th, 2011 4:20 PM Author: Odious avocado pervert it seems that women on average have a better sense of morality than men. this is one of the ways women figure out what's right/wrong and how morally culpable they were in a certain situation.
men tend to be less empathetic. it's a bad thing. don't insult women for caring more than you do. |
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Date: March 12th, 2011 4:48 PM Author: Swollen seedy round eye lol, nice try (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17492060) |
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Date: March 12th, 2011 5:02 PM Author: bateful den boy did you miss the point entirely or what (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17492154) |
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Date: November 11th, 2011 7:44 PM Author: Spectacular wild telephone that female intuition.... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#19348369) |
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Date: March 22nd, 2011 6:00 PM Author: Exhilarant rusted whorehouse Rather, "it seems that" you are full of shit. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17578032) |
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Date: October 15th, 2011 8:22 AM Author: Aphrodisiac pisswyrm gaming laptop *Spits out breakfast
One word - ABORTION. |
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Date: November 20th, 2011 10:24 AM Author: Aphrodisiac pisswyrm gaming laptop LOLOLOL (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#19405194) |
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Date: July 5th, 2011 3:06 PM Author: startled razzmatazz background story I have no regrets, just a bit worried. I just want for everything to work out OK. I completely trust my own judgment and know that I made the right decision. I just hope that the end justifies the means. I just want to know what the future will hold for me. I guess I will soon see – This is the happiest that I have been in a very long time. I hope that my happiness will continue to grow– I've made new friends that I really like. I've surrounded myself with good people – I am finally happy. Let's just hope that it doesn't change. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#18426257) |
Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:06 PM Author: deranged station (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17197996) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:12 PM Author: up-to-no-good aggressive library (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198018) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:31 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum 180 at a woman feeling guilty for something.
you know this story would go woman: i was having a really bad day and was so tired and let this thing happen friend: i feel so bad for you |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:32 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets you lucky faggot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198118) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:33 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum it was just a really bad day not like that is an excuse or anything but i was so tired (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198125) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:42 PM Author: Thriller pocket flask stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198171) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:43 PM Author: Provocative hairy legs puppy Well the important thing is don't beat yourself up. Here have some ice cream (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198178) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:46 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum if i could do anything i would take it all back and maybe sleep more the night before or not even shown up at her house or idk it just ended up working out really weird (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198192) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:51 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets it was just a bad set of circumstances i wish i'd taken better care of myself (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198218) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:54 PM Author: Comical azure factory reset button I mean, I did a really god job with ____ for, like, a long long time. So I *deserved* to indulge myself a bit, right? Why can't anyone understand that? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198241) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:55 PM Author: Thriller pocket flask stage well that's the thing. you shouldn't have to justify yourself to ANYONE. you did what was right for you in that moment, and really that's all that matters. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198246) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:59 PM Author: bateful den EAT PRAY LOVE (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198274) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 5:00 PM Author: startled razzmatazz background story CONSUME FOOD CONSUME NEW AGE BOOMERISMS CONSUME DISCRETIZED EMOTIONALLY VALIDATING PHYSICAL ENCOUNTERS (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198287) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 3:55 PM Author: sienna organic girlfriend 180 thread (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322536) |
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Date: March 1st, 2011 1:01 PM Author: Soul-stirring Claret Personal Credit Line Mad Cow Disease (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17403203) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 8:47 AM Author: Dashing Pea-brained Sanctuary Hominid (top poster) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410726) |
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Date: April 6th, 2011 1:08 PM Author: Multi-colored shimmering circlehead nibblets 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17697856) |
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Date: July 14th, 2011 4:26 PM Author: Thriller pocket flask stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#18505357) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:56 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum i normally do yoga like 4x a week but that week i needed to take care of the baby because my husband was so stressed out at work i guess in hindsight i could have taken better care of myself and told him NO i need some time for me but it is so hard to do that but i hope i can get better (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198250) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:57 PM Author: bateful den you are always thinking of others first, you deserve a bit of "me time" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198261) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:59 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum well thats what my mom says but it is really hard to do that when ive got the kids and making them breakfast and bringing them to school bc Jake is really busy at work right now... my mom says i act like i dont deserve better and i .. i dont know .. i just dont know .. i guess we could both work at putting each other first more its just *sobs* (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198276) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 3:48 PM Author: sienna organic girlfriend I am going to tell you this and I need you to take it to heart. Jake is a really good guy and all, but what is important is how *you* feel about things. You have lived for others for so long. But at some point, you have to put yourself first. And yeah, maybe that means others get hurt, but you know what? That's what happens. And there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to do what's right for you. So yeah, I know it hurts now and you feel like you did something wrong. And maybe you did? But it was only wrong for Jake. That doesn't mean it was wrong for you. You have to live in your truth. And in your truth, in your space? It was what you needed. Honestly. And yeah, if he can't see that? If he can't accept that? Maybe he has a right to be sad, but do you need to be with someone who can't see your truth? Who can't give you your space? You were doing something you needed to do. That is what is important. The only reason you are with anyone, Jake included, is for you anyway. And if you aren't getting what you need from him? Listen, you have to get it one way or another. You need what you need. That's it. So don't beat yourself up, don't blame yourself. You're human, you know? And Jake will be fine. This isn't about Jake, okay? This is about you. So tell me about the new guy. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322468) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 4:07 PM Author: gold frisky national security agency 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322627) |
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Date: February 25th, 2011 5:11 PM Author: titillating doobsian senate Ruthless. 180, through the looking glass (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17371348) |
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Date: February 25th, 2011 5:37 PM Author: brass piazza party of the first part *starts to strangle you*
whoops my bad. 180. |
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Date: March 1st, 2011 1:12 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum Well his name is Daichi... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17403284) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 12:43 PM Author: rose galvanic corn cake genital piercing i wonder what a truly introspective female feels when they read something like this, so devastating, striking at the very heart of their deepest, most inescapable flaws. are they filled with unbearable shame and despair? lol j/k didn't read. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17412079) |
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Date: March 22nd, 2011 5:52 PM Author: cerebral unhinged forum AAAAH I have HAD it I have seriously HAD it. I don't even know who he is anymore. Jake and I got into ANOTHER argument about Daichi last night. He wants me to be this little doll that doesn't have any emotions or feelings or interests except for HIM HIM HIM. Finally I said FINE I won't talk to ANYONE ANYMORE and I ripped up all the mail and I threw away my cell phone. He is so controlling. You know what the worst part is? He thinks I went over there TRYING to have sex with Daichi!!! Vivian is my best friend I would NEVER do that to her on purpose. Why can't anyone in my life but you understand that things just happen?? You know the best thing that has come out of all this? Now I finally know who my real friends are. Maybe you are right. Maybe, despite everything I have had to go through, this was worth it. |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:41 PM Author: mind-boggling disturbing depressive fanboi (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198165) |
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Date: February 2nd, 2011 4:57 PM Author: startled razzmatazz background story "i can't believe that he/she/they drove you to do something like that. the nerve of him/her/them!" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17198258) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 3:46 PM Author: Walnut costumed cuck i know, who wouldn't want to commit to a passive aggressive 30 y/o woman who keeps changing her direction in life and never takes relationships seriously (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322453) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 3:57 PM Author: Flushed Shrine When I watched Black Hawk Down yesterday, after I was done, I watched some of the making of stuff. Lots of those dudes had accents. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322557) |
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Date: February 19th, 2011 4:11 PM Author: Stimulating nursing home stain Whenever female posters make threads like this about men all of the male posters get really mad and attack them for overgeneralizing. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17322661) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 9:45 AM Author: excitant ruddy death wish what do men do that is anywhere close to apologizing for infidelity? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410960) |
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Date: February 25th, 2011 5:52 PM Author: startled razzmatazz background story just hit that twitter button bro (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17371673) |
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Date: March 1st, 2011 12:55 PM Author: Insane Scarlet Antidepressant Drug I want to share this thread's wisdom with people irl too but don't want to be associated with this site. I'm copying and pasting a lot of the content to send to my friend who writes screenplays. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17403175) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 8:45 AM Author: hyperactive chocolate chad brunch What did the girl do that made her feel guilty? If the answer is something innocuous like "masturbate", then the response is credited.
It just sounds like the girl's friend is trying to tell the girl not to beat herself up over doing something that might not be as bad as she thinks it is. |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 12:12 PM Author: Thriller pocket flask stage Date: March 2nd, 2011 8:45 AM Author: Daenerys_Targaryen (Just another blonde chick who likes black dudes)
What did the girl do that made her feel guilty? If the answer is something innocuous like "masturbate", then the response is credited.
It just sounds like the girl's friend is trying to tell the girl not to beat herself up over doing something that might not be as bad as she thinks it is.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410719) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 8:52 AM Author: Soul-stirring Claret Personal Credit Line Mad Cow Disease (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1552283&forum_id=2#17410737) |
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Date: March 2nd, 2011 9:52 AM Author: excitant ruddy death wish Eat, Pray, Spend Priv-lit and the new, enlightened American dream
Article by Joshunda Sanders and Diana Barnes-Brown, Illustrated by Ana Mouyis, appeared in issue Action; published in 2010; filed under Consumer culture; tagged Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, Oprah, priv-lit, privilege. Priv-lit and the new, enlightened American dream Action For decades, self-help literature and an obsession with wellness have captivated the imaginations of countless liberal Americans. Even now, as some of the hardest economic times in decades pinch our budgets, our spirits, we’re told, can still be rich. Books, blogs, and articles saturated with fantastical wellness schemes for women seem to have multiplied, in fact, featuring journeys (existential or geographical) that offer the sacred for a hefty investment of time, money, or both. There’s no end to the luxurious options a woman has these days—if she’s willing to risk everything for enlightenment. And from Oprah Winfrey and Elizabeth Gilbert to everyday women siphoning their savings to downward dog in Bali, the enlightenment industry has taken on a decidedly feminine sheen.
It will probably take years before the implications for women of the United States’ newfound economic vulnerability are fully understood. Present reports yield a mix of auspicious and depressing stats: The New York Times, for example, reports that more than 80 percent of the jobs that have evaporated were held by men, and the proportion of married women who made more than their husbands rose from 4 percent in 1970 to 22 percent in 2007. That’s not much of a gain, though, considering that U.S. Department of Labor statistics from 2008 show women still only making roughly 75 cents for every dollar made by men. Yet even as reports on joblessness, economic recovery, and home foreclosures suggest that no one is immune to risk during this recession, the popularity of women’s wellness media has persisted and, indeed, grown stronger.
“Live your best life!” Oprah Winfrey intones on her show, on her website, and in her magazine, with exhausting tenacity. Eat kale. Lose weight. Invest in timeless cashmere. Find the perfect little black dress. But though Oprahspeak pays regular lip service to empowerment, much of Winfrey’s advice actually moves women away from political, economic, and emotional agency by promoting materialism and dependency masked as empowerment, with evangelical zeal.
As Karlyn Crowley writes in the recent anthology Stories of Oprah: The Oprahfication of American Culture, Winfrey has become the mainstream spokesperson for New Age spirituality because “she marries the intimacy and individuality of the New Age movement with the adulation and power of a 700 Club–like ministry.” And not surprisingly, it was the imprimatur of Oprah’s Book Club that made Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia the publishing phenomenon it now is. More than 5 million paperback copies of the book are currently in print, though the first printing of the book, in 2006, was a modest 30,000 hardcover copies. The Wall Street Journal estimated that the book would make more than $15 million in sales by the end of 2007, and the book stayed on the New York Times bestseller list for more than 155 weeks.
Eat, Pray, Love detailed Gilbert’s decision to leave an unsatisfying marriage and embark on an international safari of self-actualization. (Publisher Viking subsidized the “unscripted” yearlong vacation.) Gilbert ate exotic food, meditated in exotic places, and had exotic romantic interludes; both culture clashes and enlightenment ensued, as did Gilbert’s ham-fistedly paternalistic attempt to buy an impoverished Indonesian woman a house. The book could easily have been called Wealthy, Whiny, White.
It’s hardly reasonable to demand that every woman who wishes to better her life be poor, or nonwhite, or in some other way representative of diversity in order to be taken seriously. But Eat, Pray, Love and its positioning as an Everywoman’s guide to whole, empowered living embody a literature of privilege and typify the genre’s destructive cacophony of insecurity, spending, and false wellness.
Let Them Eat Kale
Eat, Pray, Love is not the first book of its kind, but it is a perfect example of the genre of priv-lit: literature or media whose expressed goal is one of spiritual, existential, or philosophical enlightenment contingent upon women’s hard work, commitment, and patience, but whose actual barriers to entry are primarily financial. Should its consumers fail, the genre holds them accountable for not being ready to get serious, not “wanting it” enough, or not putting themselves first, while offering no real solutions for the astronomically high tariffs—both financial and social—that exclude all but the most fortunate among us from participating.
The spending itself is justified by its supposedly healthy goals—acceptance, self-love, the ability to heal past psychic wounds and break destructive patterns. Yet often the buzz over secondary perks (weight loss, say, or perfect skin) drowns out less superficial discussion. Winfrey, again, is a chief arbiter of this behavior: As Stories of Oprah contributor Jennifer L. Rexroat points out, Winfrey presents herself as a “de facto feminist” with a traditional American Dream background who refuses to succumb to wifedom and enjoys pampering herself. Sometimes that involves espousing the works of spirituality writers Gary Zukav or Eckhart Tolle, who both appear regularly on her show. Sometimes it means talking about weight gain and self-loathing. Sometimes it necessitates buying a diamond friendship pinkie ring.
It’s no secret that, according to America’s marketing machine, we’re living in a “postfeminist” world where what many people mean by “empowerment” is the power to spend their own money. Twenty- and thirtysomething women seem more eager than ever to embrace their “right” to participate in crash diets and their “choice” to get breast implants, obsess about their age, and apply the Sex and the City personality metric to their friends (Are you a Miranda or a Samantha? Did you get your Brazilian and your Botox?). Such marketing, and the women who buy into it, assumes the work of feminism is largely done. Perhaps it’s because, unlike American women before them, few of the people either making or consuming these cultural products and messages have been pushed to pursue secretarial school instead of medical school, been accused of “asking for” sexual assault, or been told driving and voting were intellectually beyond them. This perspective makes it easy for the antifeminism embedded in the wellness jargon of priv-lit to gain momentum.
And an ailing economy makes this thinking all the more problematic. “Splurging on luxury is a real no-no in this crap economy,” a blogger at YogaDork wrote in a post titled “The All-Inclusive Vacation for the Recession Torn (The Acceptable Splurge).” “But what if it’s for a self-helpy learning experience?” Pondering the importance of health over penny-pinching, the blogger suggested that if “yogis and non alike” thought a retreat worth scrounging for, they should get on it. And indeed, if self-helpy is on the menu, people seem to be buying it, or at least buying into it.
In fall 2009, the Los Angeles Times ran a piece about well-off women (and some men) leaving their full-time jobs to meditate in seclusion for three years, to the tune of $60,000 a year. Another feature on young, female self-help gurus (their exact qualifications for guruhood remain murky) charging hundreds of dollars an hour to advise other women on spirituality and eating well was granted prime real estate on the front page of the New York Times’ Style section.
Sarma Melngailis, a New York restaurant owner who writes about eating raw and organic food on the blogs welikeitraw.com and oneluckyduck.com, promises her readers—most of them women—that if they can just give up their Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and replace it with her $9 coconut water and $12 nut-milk shakes they, too, can be happy and healthy. (She’s very consistent about plugging her products’ ability to combat hangovers and sexify one’s appearance, too.) The now-famous Skinny Bitch cookbook franchise plumbs even more sinister depths in its insistence that women can stop nighttime snacking with the oh-so-simple fix of hiring a personal chef with vegan culinary training. Actor Gwyneth Paltrow’s web venture, GOOP, uses catchy, imperative section headings (“Get,” “Do,” “Be”) and the nonsensical tagline “Nourish the inner aspect” to neatly establish a rhetorical link between action, spending, and the whole of existence. Even Julie and Julia, the blog that became a book that became a hit movie, is complicit in spreading the trend. Julie Powell’s story—that of an ennui-ridden professional whose journey of self-discovery involves cooking her way through Julia Child—features one-meal shopping lists whose cost rivals standard monthly food-stamp allotments for many American families.
Priv-lit perpetuates several negative assumptions about women and their relationship to money and responsibility. The first is that women can or should be willing to spend extravagantly, leave our families, or abandon our jobs in order to fit ill-defined notions of what it is to be “whole.” Another is the infantilizing notion that we need guides—often strangers who don’t know the specifics of our financial, spiritual, or emotional histories—to tell us the best way forward. The most problematic assumption, and the one that ties it most closely to current, mainstream forms of misogyny, is that women are inherently and deeply flawed, in need of consistent improvement throughout their lives, and those who don’t invest in addressing those flaws are ultimately doomed to making themselves, if not others, miserable.
While priv-lit predates the current recession by at least a few years, the genre’s potential for negative impact is greater these days than ever before. Today’s “recessionista” mind-set promotes spending quietly over spending less. Priv-lit takes a similar approach: Hiding familiar motives behind ambient lighting and organic scented candles, the genre at once masks and promotes the destructive expectations of traditional femininity and consumer culture, making them that much harder to fight.
As Jezebel.com blogger Sadie Stein noted in September 2009, “nueva-Bradshaws have hung up their Manohlos [sic] and retired their Cosmos...and are pursuing banality differently...it’s pink-hued, candy-coated girly spirituality.” The blog entry, which mentions Eat, Pray, Love; Skinny Bitch; and The Secret, is a response specifically to the odious “new gurus” article from the New York Times, but the point can also be seen as a cutting and accurate criticism of priv-lit as a genre.
In Dreams Begin Responsibilities?
Perhaps priv-lit is a manifestation of how we love to fantasize about things we don’t—or can’t—have. In the case of priv-lit, the fantasy has turned on its makers. Rather than offering a model to aspire to through consistent attainment of progressive, realistic goals, priv-lit terrorizes its consumers with worst-case scenarios and the implication that self-improvement is demonstrated by “works” of spending.
Of course, it is the right of any woman who works hard for what she has to spend her money to make her life better. But the pressure to obtain happiness by buying a certain book (like Eat, Pray, Love or, more recently, Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project), attending a yoga retreat, or hiring a guru moves women further away from themselves, the simplicity espoused in positive psychology literature, and the type of careful reflection necessary to maintain inner peace in the long term.
The story priv-lit tells is that true wellness requires extreme sacrifices along economic, family, and professional lines, but those who make them will be rewarded and attain permanent enlightenment of one kind or another. (The best recent example is Gilbert herself, since she was rewarded twice over for her globe-trotting victories in her spiritual memoir—she married a hot Brazilian man and landed another bestselling book, 2010’s Committed, as a result.)
Unfortunately, that story is a lie: As one purveyor of high-end life-coaching services (who, for obvious reasons, wishes to remain anonymous) comments, “In our line of business, we have a saying: ‘Don’t fix the client.’” Once mentors teach clients to attain freedom and enlightenment, they can say goodbye to the high premiums they earn by telling clients they need more help.
“One of the brilliant parts of the self-help genre as a whole is that there are these various contradicting threads or themes, all woven together, and emphasized differently at different times,” says Dr. Micki McGee, a sociologist and cultural critic at Fordham University and the author of Self-Help, Inc: Makeover Culture in American Life. “Self-improvement culture in general has the contradictory effect of undermining self-assurance by suggesting that all of us are in need of constant, effortful (and often expensive) improvement. There is the danger of over-investing in this literature not only financially, but also psychologically.”
McGee, who in researching her own book spent five years immersed in self-help literature, is quick to point out that this tendency toward spending for self-improvement is long-standing. But in the current economic climate, the real financial implications for those who do, or try to, invest in these ways may be worse than in healthier economic times, while the spending itself may be growing all the more fetishized. Since the late 1960s, economic phenomena such as wage stagnation combined with the increasing costs of housing, medical care, and other basic necessities have meant that, for most Americans, time really does equal money. “Increasingly, people who actually have the money to take a year off and travel in India or go to a thousand-dollar yoga retreat are in short supply,” notes McGee. “In the context of the recession, we’re seeing an emphasis on simplicity and frugality, but embedded within that emphasis is a subtext of consuming more”—imported, she points out, from contemporary self-help literature of all kinds.
McGee links the persistence of these counterintuitive ideals to the phenomena of social stratification written about by French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu. In his landmark 1984 book Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste, Bourdieu explained that cultural and aesthetic preferences both indicate and shape class stratifications, because trends in these preferences seemingly map individuals’ positions in social hierarchies. As McGee puts it, within status-quo class systems, “Taste and other types of cultural capital are emblematic of both status attained and status putatively deserved.” So those who pray at the altar of priv-lit operate under the false assumptions that 1) investing concretely ensures attainment of elite socioeconomic status and 2) having invested demonstrates the deserving nature of those who do. In times of financial stress—when those who want exist in even greater proportion to those who have—this feedback loop may be intensified, because the desired is that much more unattainable and the consequences of failure, namely the implication that those who do not get their lives together according to the prescribed boundaries of priv-lit will end up being so utterly screwed up that they risk losing their jobs, houses, or independence, among other things—seem that much worse.
Priv-lit has transformed Virginia Woolf’s “Room of One’s Own” into an existential space accessed by way of a very expensive series of actual rooms—a $120-an-hour yoga studio, a cottage in Indonesia, a hip juice bar on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. The genre is unique in that it reflects an inversion of its own explicitly expressed value system: Priv-lit tells women they must do expensive things that are good for the body, mind, or soul. But the hidden subtext, and perhaps the most alluring part of the genre for its avid consumers, is the antifeminist idea that women should become healthy so that people will like them, they will find partners, they’ll have money, and they’ll lose weight and be hot. God forbid a dumpy, lonely, single person should actually try to achieve happiness, health, and balance for its own sake. It’s the wolf of the mean-spirited makeover show or the vicious high-school clique in the sheep’s clothing of wellness.
Turning the Tide
The truth is that many of us are barely holding on to the modest lives we’ve struggled to create, improving ourselves on a diy basis, minus the staggering premiums, with every day we get up, go to work, and take care of ourselves and our families. Priv-lit is not a viable answer to the concerns of most women’s lives, and acting as though it is leads nowhere good. It’s high time we demanded that truer narratives become visible—and, dare we say it, marketable.
The priv-lit tide shows few immediate signs of ebbing. The Eat, Pray, Love movie (shot partly in that most gentrified of neighborhoods, Brooklyn Heights) hits theaters this summer, and the Sex and the City film sequel and its many shoe-shopping-as-therapy metaphors will hit theaters in late spring. As for Oprah, her talk show is slated to end in 2011, but with an entire television network on the way, her empire and its anointed leaders could be with us for decades. But the future also holds brighter possibilities.
Paige Williams, whose story can, somewhat ironically, be found on Oprah.com, was depressed to the point of debilitation, clinically obese, unemployed, and broke when she began her efforts to change her life. Living with her mother and often too sick to get out of bed, she clearly was not living her “best life.” Williams postponed taking a job to spend two months regaining control of her body, mind, and life via an intensive, 60-day Bikram yoga regimen.
Parts of Williams’s story fall well within the range of self-help and priv-lit tropes: She waxes poetic about squeezing into a pair of skinny jeans, and many would argue that merely having the resources to get a medical diagnosis of depression and obesity (to say nothing of the Bikram regimen itself) is solid proof that our protagonist is more comfortable than the average American. But the frank admission that any such intervention is a sacrifice, and a risky one at that, is evidence of both a more genuine voice and of a protagonist who cares about being healthy overall rather than demonstrating class membership or pursuing mainstream ideals of beauty, marriageability, and general worthiness. And the fact that her story appears in such a mainstream context means that more women are being exposed to this comparatively toned-down approach. Maybe not a solution to the problem of priv-lit, but a good step toward finding one.
Even better are movements like The Great American Apparel Diet. Not to be confused with a food plan sanctioned by American Apparel ceo Dov Charney, that iconoclast of modern American misogynists, GAAD is actually a movement started by a group of American women who decided to go a full year without buying a single new garment of clothing. Since its inception in September 2009, the group has grown to represent members from 17 states and six countries. “Some are sick and tired of consumption in general while others are concerned about consumption and the environment,” notes the group’s web page. “We all have our reasons for embarking on this project but it all gets down to this…who are we without something hip and new in our closets? We shall see.”
The admission that many of these women feel intense anxiety in the absence of the materialism that has for so long been tied to ideas of what makes women successfully feminine is a crucial and revolutionary first step that more women should feel safe taking. And not buying is, by definition, free, meaning that anyone with motivation enough and a desire to say no to the status quo can participate in this form of soul-searching. (Though, of course, the project operates under its own assumption—namely, that not spending money is a choice rather than an absolute necessity.) Williams’s tale and the clothing embargo are evidence of a progressively nontraditional movement of women committed to replacing elitist, consumption-based models of spiritual salvation and existential peace with genuine bids to do a lot with a little, and to stop listening to top-down directives for how to have good lives.
If more women become willing to put aside their fears, open their eyes to cost-free or inexpensive paths to wellness, and position themselves as essentially worthy instead of deeply flawed, priv-lit could soon migrate to a well-deserved new home: the fiction section. And once that happens, we might just succeed in showing that for every wealthy and insecure woman who can pony up to reach great heights of self and spending, there are thousands more whose lives are comparatively uncharmed, who are happier working with creative and healthy alternatives instead of spending on what they’re terrorized into wanting, and whose stories will, someday, be valued for the strength they communicate, not the fantasies they sell.
Joshunda Sanders is a religion reporter in Austin, Texas. She has been obsessed with self-help literature since sixth grade. Reach her at joshunda@gmail.com. Diana Barnes-Brown is a writer and sandwich enthusiast living in Brooklyn, N.Y. Her favorite self-help interventions are pit bull foster care and yelling at the television.You can contact her at dbarnesbrown@gmail.com.
For decades, self-help literature and an obsession with wellness have captivated the imaginations of countless liberal Americans. Even now, as some of the hardest economic times in decades pinch our budgets, our spirits, we’re told, can still be rich. Books, blogs, and articles saturated with fantastical wellness schemes for women seem to have multiplied, in fact, featuring journeys (existential or geographical) that offer the sacred for a hefty investment of time, money, or both. There’s no end to the luxurious options a woman has these days—if she’s willing to risk everything for enlightenment. And from Oprah Winfrey and Elizabeth Gilbert to everyday women siphoning their savings to downward dog in Bali, the enlightenment industry has taken on a decidedly feminine sheen. |
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" Sarma Melngailis, a New York restaurant owner who writes about eating raw and organic food on the blogs welikeitraw.com and oneluckyduck.com, promises her readers—most of them women—that if they can just give up their Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and replace it with her $9 coconut water and $12 nut-milk shakes they, too, can be happy and healthy. (She’s very consistent about plugging her products’ ability to combat hangovers and sexify one’s appearance, too.) The now-famous Skinny Bitch cookbook franchise plumbs even more sinister depths in its insistence that women can stop nighttime snacking with the oh-so-simple fix of hiring a personal chef with vegan culinary training. Actor Gwyneth Paltrow’s web venture, GOOP, uses catchy, imperative section headings (“Get,” “Do,” “Be”) and the nonsensical tagline “Nourish the inner aspect” to neatly establish a rhetorical link between action, spending, and the whole of existence. Even Julie and Julia, the blog that became a book that became a hit movie, is complicit in spreading the trend. Julie Powell’s story—that of an ennui-ridden professional whose journey of self-discovery involves cooking her way through Julia Child—features one-meal shopping lists whose cost rivals standard monthly food-stamp allotments for many American families." |
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