How much would this be a deal-breaker or turnoff? How much weight should I put on this?
The girl is fine. She's educated, has a good job, is nice, not shrewy but not completely lazy, can talk about intellectual topics and feels comfortable around HYP people and wealthy/successful people. Sometimes she gets a bit uneasy and she feels the need to bring up that she was just some farm girl with uneducated parents when people start talking about their educations or backgrounds, but it's never been an embarrassment. I know that we feel differently about the value of education and how much a child needs (in terms of education and financial investment in that child's future) to succeed.
Her parents and siblings are white trash, for lack of a better term. Basically they're the kinds of people who would get all excited by Santorum's speech about college education being for snobs. They would not be all that out of place in the audience. Dad is a manual laborer. Mom is a stay-at-home wife who mans the phones part-time at the local church. Neither have any education past high school. Her brother went to community college. She is known as the "smart" one of the family and went to the flagship state school. Only one of her relatives (a cousin) went to a 4-year college and it was the land-grant school in her state.
How much of a flag or a dealbreaker is this? What kinds of problems would you see this posing?
fake blonde hair. Natural C cups. She dresses OK but sometimes the prole comes out when she tries to wear something that she considers "classy" or "dressy".
Private school as a kid -----> Private university in the USNEWS top 30 (on full scholly, wanted to have fun college experience with good football team and hot CGWBTs) -----> T14 Biglaw.
Parents are educated professionals.
The hair doesn't look that bad. But you can tell it's fake because of the roots. Sometimes she's lax about dyeing it.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:47 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I think there was some welfare and/or government assistance in her family background. One of her cousins had a child out of wedlock at 19 and named it Destiny. Another got knocked up by a 40 year old bartender when she was mid 20s. Another got into crime (was the getaway car driver in robberies) in her high school years, but has since cleaned herself up.
She is both. But is that enough? We're talking IRL, not some aspie virgin's fantasy. Her family is legit embarrassing and I don't know what prole tendencies will come out of this chick later.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:10 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
She's actually somewhat well read. She likes a lot of the shit that's on Oprah's book club and reads a lot of chick books like The Help and Dragon Tattoo. She dabbles in nonfiction as well, and admits to trying to get through some of the classics like Austen or Henry James because she feels like it's good for her.
She's a sucker for sappy love stories, chick comedies and crime shows. She loves How I Met Your Mother and CSI type stuff, but she endures Mad Men/Boardwalk Empire and sat through about 20 minutes of Game of Thrones before leaving the room.
Oh, and she loves American Idol.
But she never developed a fondness for Sex and the City.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:15 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I'm not so precious about that. I don't think GoT is all that feminine of a show and I can see chicks getting turned off by the nudity and vulgarity of the show.
I think she walked out during the Loras-Renly slurp scene, which is completely understandable. But she's not much for scifi/fantasy. I can't get her to watch Hot Tub Time Machine or Back to the Future because that, to her, is hardcore scifi.
Date: February 27th, 2012 11:44 PM Author: elite sienna turdskin
I have been there. Did LTR for a number of years and family become a weight that became a BIG ISSUE. WT's don't understand any boundaries whatsoever and they are immersed in class and wealth envy. They resented my parents for being educated, relatively wealthy libs who weren't practicing Christians. The smallest things from my clothes to car to tastes in alcohol were examined by her family. When we hit the age and point in the game when we had to make some calls for the future, the fact that these people held enormous influence over my GF and did not accept my role in our relationship... split us up.
Her parents aren't really wealth-envious. If anything they're anti-snobs who sometimes criticize her when she starts buying things that she couldn't afford when she was back at home, like certain clothes, nights out, or types of trips. I don't know how much they influence her, but her identity is largely wrapped up in being a blue-collar girl made good. She doesn't have wealth envy, but she sometimes says things like "I'm not that classy" and makes comments about how she "can't relate" when I introduce her to friends of mine who went to boarding school or HYP and grew up with some degree of wealth.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:01 AM Author: elite sienna turdskin
I don't know how serious you are about this but from the above it at least sounds like you can teach her how to like nice things.
If you want to introduce her to society just veil cotillion dancing in spontaneous spinning around your apartment and start buying her yurman and burberry on special occasions. She'll read up on the latter and you'll have a well-bred waspitute in no time.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:16 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
This, but I kind of get what he's talking about. Buy her a few nice things so she feels like she fits in around my friends a bit more. She's not awed by designer names although she does like Tiffany's. She wants to save up for one real designer bag or watch, but that's about it.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:34 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Can I get away with getting her a good fake? I've got a buddy who lives in Hong Kong. Chances are he can score a quality fake for a 100th of the price?
Date: February 29th, 2012 12:30 AM Author: Learning Disabled Chrome Partner Stain
you can get a fake that looks good enough to pass casual inspection for a couple hundred dollars, but the real ones *start* at 6-7k and go up very, very quickly, so if your friends are at all aware of her prole background they'll just assume fake and it will do more harm than good
Date: February 27th, 2012 11:45 PM Author: Turquoise Zombie-like Native
If you marry her, you will have to interact with her family for as long as you're married to her. Spend time with them. Important, quality time. If that would make you miserable, don't do it man
Her family came up to visit and she wanted me to come to dinner with them. They are the kinds of people who will eat at the chain restaurants in a large city. I gave them a slew of recommendations and they chose Tony Roma's.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:05 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I was conscious not to pick a place that would price them out or that was too fancy as to make them feel uncomfortable. But they went with what they knew.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:09 AM Author: elite sienna turdskin
have you visited their place in the sticks and gone out to the local drinkery? I have had ridiculously good experiences with this and found that, as long as I'm not a jackass, I am minor celebrity. It also caused an idealism for small town USA until the next time I heard Santorum speak.
Date: February 27th, 2012 11:47 PM Author: cerebral ape
are they salt-of-the-earth white trash, or dramatic, ridiculous white trash? the latter white trash can create real problems breh, when they want you to bail out their son because he's "kin" or some shit.
also--how does she feel about them? if she hates or is embrassed by them, it might be ok. otherwise, no.
Salt-of-the-earth white trash from as far as I can tell.
She is proud of them. One of the first things she told me when we met was that she's some small town prole girl in a big city. It's a schtick she likes to play up, but sometimes she feels uncomfortable around people who come from wealth because she assumes they will reject her.
They seem like just decent hardworking white trash. I'm hoping you're right, but things would be so much easier if she came from my background. She points things out as snobby that I take for granted as normal comments that any of my friends would agree with.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:02 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I like fishing so we talked about fishing. Most of the time I spoke of this one fishing trip I took with some of my more prole (but fake-prole) relatives when we went on a camping/fishing trip up in Canada. We still took a helicopter there so it was one of those "pay a ton of money to act like proles" experiences.
NCAA football is another go-to topic. But there's only so much small talk one can make. I felt constantly on ceremony and conscious not to say something that would make me sound like a snob, or would come off as insulting.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:13 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
She's probably at the optimum point of hot, chill and down to earth of girls I've dated. My prior girlfriends/dates have ran the gamut of upper class debutantes working for daddy's company to middle/upper middle class strivers in biglaw/finance.
In some ways she's a breath of fresh air, but in other ways I miss the spoiled girls and shrews.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:02 AM Author: fragrant forum
bro if theyre decent hard working lower class smart people, no big deal. If theyre legit redneck dumbfucks dont wifey her man, you dont want your future kids having that type of family.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:52 AM Author: marvelous sickened university puppy
white trash people arent decent or hardworking. white trash people beat their children, drink too much, cheat on their significant others, take government handouts and whine about big government. they lack social graces, cuss all the time, and are self-centered and mean.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:54 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Then maybe her family are just poors. I still don't feel comfortable around them. It's something I endure. And while I respect them on some level for raising two kids who went to college, they're not the kinds of people I'd choose to associate with.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:56 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I think there are some honest-to-God white trash elements in her family. Her parents are probably just hardworking poor, but some of her cousins, aunts and uncles are white trash.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:58 AM Author: marvelous sickened university puppy
you're in a better position to know than i. but either way, you shouldnt hold her family against her if she really is a great girl. they dont come around too often.
it's not like you have to associate with them to see her. hell, maybe she wants to distance herself from them too.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:01 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I think she's a great girl. A couple of my friends have mentioned that they think she's a social inferior who is trying to gold-dig her way up the ladder.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:34 AM Author: Concupiscible Legend
speaking as one who comes from a prole family (as a dude), my opinion is to observe whether they are judging/criticizing/provking YOU and not just her with their conversation. Are they passive aggressive all the time with you? If so, run far and fast. If not, they could be just good-natured proles who are actually pretty fun to be around and not a snob - aka if you're into college football, sports in general, beer, hunting, fishing, off-roading, etc.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:40 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I think it's the latter.
I enjoy college football, sports, beer, fishing, and off-roading (never hunted, though). But I enjoy many more things that I can't bring up in front of her parents because they either can't relate or would think I'm being snobbish.
I also am a bit of a snob. It pains me to say that I don't feel comfortable around her family and have been entertaining thoughts of whether or not I can do better.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:56 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I don't know if my parents would feel comfortable socializing with them either. The in-laws would be viewed as something to be tolerated, but would never be fully accepted. My sister would grit her teeth and be polite but she would never view this girl as a social equal or accept her as a friend, let alone as a sister.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:48 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
They're just concerned about me ending up with a girl that I have nothing in common with, and they are concerned that there isn't much there once you get past the facade of a nice girl with big tits.
Date: February 28th, 2012 12:59 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
To what end?
One of my bros even mentioned that my girl's not at our level and inferred that he thinks she's a social inferior because of her background. He suspects her of golddigging.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:22 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
He said that, not me. I don't think she's gold digging or social climbing but the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Wimmins are tricksy critters.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:28 AM Author: Vengeful wonderful home pocket flask
I work in a doctor's office in a poor city. Lots of Vietnamese, Mexicans, and white trash. This one woman comes in regularly, she's so loud I can hear her in the next office over. Sometimes has some hulking tatted man with her. Talks about Pap smears and other medical things in an outdoor voice, with an annoying trashy accent. Broke a glass table somehow.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:43 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
This girl's got a tat. Many of her FB friends are the kinds who have fake blonde hair, obvious fake tans, make kissyfaces to the camera, and are seen with roided up guys, Mexicans, or guys with tats.
Fortunately my girl doesn't discuss pap smears in an outdoor voice and she doesn't drink that much. Her accent isn't trashy but when she gets drunk, she sounds more regional and talks louder.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:26 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Here's what she's told me about her family: They used to receive welfare and/or government assistance. One of her cousins had a child out of wedlock at 19 and named it Destiny. Another got knocked up by a 40 year old bartender when she was mid 20s. Another got into crime (was the getaway car driver in robberies) in her high school years but has since cleaned herself up.
Her immediate family seem like hardworking, decent poors but her extended family are questionable.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:28 AM Author: emerald field
I hate to say it, but yeah such calculations would be going through my head also. Even though they fucking shouldn't because this is America where we have no class divisions but rather idolize people who work their way up in the world LIKE THIS GIRL HAS.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:42 AM Author: Vengeful wonderful home pocket flask
I wouldn't worry too much about it, since her immediate family is decent.
My dad is a foster child. His foster parents are real good people, middle-class Midwestern stock. They had two natural daughters and one adopted son. The adopted son spent decades in prison for drug possession, he's going to marry a single mom with an autistic child next month. My uncle is surprisingly not trashy, really has his head screwed on right after prison. One natural daughter was a little slow; her son joined the Army at 18, married a trashy 16 yo, who popped out a little one promptly. As he was coming home from deployment in Afghanistan, he updated his FB status/location. Fifteen minutes after his location read Home, he posted Akon's "I Just Had Sex."
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:46 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I hope.
I also know that she's by far the person from the poorest background that I interact with outside of the copy room people and secretaries, and a couple of athletes from my university who grew up in the 'hood and didn't make it to the pros, but got decent jobs through AA or some shit.
I have none of those kinds of people on my FB feed. The worst is probably one girl who went to a SUNY and does Bejeweled Blitz. Most of my FB friends are the types who post "intellectual" articles or semi-professional photos that they took of their travels around some third world country. And girls who post pics of bottles of veuve or moet from their Iphones and make updates about fashion week parties or something like I'M GOING TO THE OSCARS YAY. Or they don't poast any updates at all.
Date: February 29th, 2012 7:04 AM Author: arousing haunting dog poop
"Most of my FB friends are the types who post "intellectual" articles or semi-professional photos that they took of their travels around some third world country. And girls who post pics of bottles of veuve or moet from their Iphones and make updates about fashion week parties "
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:28 AM Author: Rose theater stage prole
Dood, just find a girl from an upper class family who will want you for you're pedigree and wallet, not for who you are, and marry her, give her you're money, and live happily ever after.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:40 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Like these are the only two options. Not all girls from upper middle or upper class backgrounds will only want me for my pedigree/wallet (which isn't all that much compared to some doods). You think poor chicks are the only ones capable of marrying someone for who they are?
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:56 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
I genuinely like this chick. She's by far the hottest chick I've dated since college, and is also the most laid back and most CGWBT-y of all of the girls I know. By XO standards this should be an open and shut case in her favor. But I'm beginning to see how different she is from most of my friends and family, and how these differences may play out.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:50 PM Author: Self-absorbed tantric sound barrier tanning salon
Let this play out. It may be an issue in the future, but at least give it more of a shot.
Future in-laws will not be perfect. These folks may ave flaws (depending on one's views) but thay are still togther. That's better than finding some "classy" professional who comes from a split marriage (that will definitely screw up her head) or where her parents are still together but there's no love between them and mom's on prescription meds all the time.
Just tell this girl that she has nothing to apologize for and that she should stop making the class thing an issue. Reverse snobbery can be just as bad as the real thing.
I agree with your part about her parents being together. She doesn't have part of the "crazy" that some UMC or upper class chicks have where you can tell that their daddy didn't hug them enough.
I guess I have nothing to lose by having fun with this chick in the meantime, and if the differences get too much to bear I can cut her loose.
Date: February 29th, 2012 2:12 AM Author: Dark unhinged legal warrant
It will be impossible for her family to ever really accept you, but that could still just as easily be the case if you were marrying a girl from your background.
I don't think its a good idea to try classy her up. If she isn't a gold digger now, you could very well turn her into one that way, and it could distance her from her family more than would be good for both you and her. (Some distance is good in this case, obviously).
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:57 AM Author: bipolar histrionic antidepressant drug
Prole genes often exhibit themselves in odd, epistatic patterns. Your kids could be very prole, or just weird prole-bourg hybrids.
Class differences will probably break you up sooner or later. She'll be constantly trying to establish dominance to prove to herself that you're not her superior.
Date: February 28th, 2012 8:01 AM Author: talented preventive strike fanboi
There are a couple of things going on here. OP not being able to relate to his GF's parents and upbringing and thinking that differences in attitudes and values might split them up eventually, and OP thinking that the girl isn't good enough for him despite trying to convince himself of her positive qualities.
Both are valid in their own ways. We all have our superficialities and snobberies. Part of what makes two people right for one another are their flaws, including their prejudices and superficialities. If the girl's main flaw is that she's insecure around higher SES people and feels the need to prove she's not inferior, and the OP's flaw is that he can't relate to people of lower SES and might even look down on some of their choices or habits, the relationship will fail.
Date: February 28th, 2012 1:22 PM Author: exhilarant candlestick maker base
This is a tough one bro. But you need to think less in terms of social class and more in terms of how these people truly are as people, regardless of class.
Are they nice people, or are they mean-spirited? Are they actually dumb, like unbearable-to-be-around dumb, or are they just average but your perception of said averageness is exaggerated by you looking at it thru the "white trash" lens?
I mean, you talk about how she is a great girl, so right off the bat I'm sure they are not beyond-redemption-awful people if they produced her.
Also, don't get caught up in grass-is-greener mentality with respect to your comfort level being around them and making conversation. What is the alternative? Find a girl from the upper echelons of society and constantly be nervous and intimidated around her waspy rich parents? In either situation you will find something that isn't ideal.
My wife is from blue-collar background, and we live in the same town as her parents. We have dinner over there every Sunday, and over time it has become one of the places where I am most comfortable. You'd be surprised how things turn out when you get to know people. Although, tbf, my girl's family could never be described as white trash, so it is certainly not the same as what you are going through.
"What is the alternative? Find a girl from the upper echelons of society and constantly be nervous and intimidated around her waspy rich parents?"
I agree it's ideal if my GF came from upper-middle class stock just like me, but I've dated one or two girls from high net worth families and have never felt nervous or intimidated. I don't know what kind of aspie pansy feels uncomfortable around "waspy rich" people. I find that I have much more in common with people who come from this background than people who come from my girl's background. We went to the similar schools, played the same sports, travel to similar kinds of places, and like/dislike similar kinds of things. I don't have to worry about coming across as snobby or unrelatable, and there's a much larger values overlap.
The girl's parents seemed nice. I am just wondering what major class differences can do to a relationship. The girl is probably one of the only people I know who grew up in a legit poor background.
Date: February 28th, 2012 2:11 PM Author: Scarlet laughsome institution
It sounds like her family (immediate, at least) is fine. You are the one with the problem, and your attitude only justifies her hesitation to spend a lot of time in your social circle. You keep saying she feels insecure or whatever around your friends, but I would venture to say that the real problem is she probably just thinks they're sheltered douchebags.
Date: February 28th, 2012 2:59 PM Author: massive white set karate
Was recently in a similar situation; I dumped her unceremoniously and have been better off for it. Her parents weren't trashy as much as grasping, and openly encouraging their daughter to pursue me for things I've done rather than because of who I was. I'm relieved to not have that in the background anymore.
Date: February 28th, 2012 3:32 PM Author: lake market
lol, is this flame? if not, you need to get over it and stop seeing people as lower than you as long as they are nice, decent people.
i think it's awesome that my bf comes from total white trash south since his stories of his upbringing are hilarious and it makes the fact that he got outta there even more admirable (none of his extended family has left the state).
I don't see them as lower. I just think there might be major differences in our values which would tear the relationship apart over time, and I'm wondering whether it's worth pursuing. We have absolutely nothing in common, and you can't just marry a chick because she's got a hot face, a nice set of tits and an XO-approved cheerful personality. There has to be something else there.
But you came from a pretty low class background and elevated yourself, correct?
Date: February 28th, 2012 10:07 PM Author: lake market
differences in values is what tears relationships apart, not difference in social class. you seem to be fixated on her poor background far too much rather than how she is as a person. values are a reflection of a person (whether she is thoughtful, how she wants to raise children, etc). as long as her upbringing didn't give her values that you disagree with, then the fact that her parents are poor proles shouldn't matter one bit.
also, i think it's weird that you're uncomfortable hanging out w/ poors. anybody who attends top schools and generally hangs around an upper middle class professional set has been long exposed to diversity and people from all sorts of backgrounds thanks to AA at all levels. there were tons of people from the sticks in both college and law school who were like the first person to attend college and stuff. my overall social circle is probably the same as yours (top schools, all professionals types), except none of my friends think or care about social class unless somebody's SO is obviously really trashy themselves (stripper in vegas).
Date: February 28th, 2012 10:13 PM Author: lake market
i dont disagree there is a correlation, but nothing in any of your posts suggested you disagree with any of her values, so i'm not seeing any of the correlation here. you just seem fixated on her class. i couldn't date anybody who didn't share my values but since my bf share my values, i don't have any problems w/ the fact that his mother calls me an "oriental" and his father hates gays.
AA benefits rich minorities but also poor whites from alabama who are the only person from their public HS who got a 1400 on their SAT versus my NYC magnet HS where a 1550 may shut you out from brown.
I guarantee you there are many more rich minorities out there than there are poor folks from TTT public high schools who get 1400s on their SATs. Throw a stone in a place like Texas or CA and you hit some UMC chick or dood who's 1/4 Hispanic yet ticks the right box on their law school apps and gets into Yale with a 167.
I'm primarily concerned with values, shared experiences, and behaviors. I am INSANELY attracted to this girl and that kept things going for the first couple of months. Now that the honeymoon period has subsided and we've met each other's friends and families, I'm realizing how fucking different we are. We disagree fundamentally on things as disparate as how to raise our children to what constitutes proper behavior in public. She thinks it's snobby that I care about whether someone was educated or not. She sees no utility in a private school education. She sees nothing wrong with tattoos and thinks my female friends are snobs for caring where a dood went to school. She's poorly traveled and has never been outside North America/Caribbean. She's reasonably well read, but that's about it. She fell asleep when I took her to the opera and said it was "fucking boring" yet she stares, mouth agape, at the television during Hollywood Week of American Idol. She supports Santorum and agrees with his "college is for snobs" comment. She thinks banks are these evil creatures who fucked over the common man. She didn't know what edamame was when I took her for sushi one night and she was so embarrassingly terrible at using chopsticks she started using her hands. The sushi dinner was when I introduced her to all of my friends, too.
Date: February 29th, 2012 12:51 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
She has these jeans with sparkles on them and wears things that look like they've been bedazzled. She also wears fake gold hoops on the reg and her Ipod has stuff like Daughtry, Staind, Carrie Underwood and Nickelback on it.
Date: February 29th, 2012 1:11 AM Author: Learning Disabled Chrome Partner Stain
it's a shitty choice to judge someone on their tastes bro but i feel your pain, cuz over time these things become the grating annoyances that lead to irrational blowups between u two
if a partner and his wife-cum-NYU professor of romantic era woodwinds invite u to the phil and ur girl doesn't wanna go, is givin u shit, doesn't get the idea of sucking it up to be polite, thinks its stupid that partner will be offended if u decline, etc., it will lead to serious mutual resentment after a while
Date: February 29th, 2012 12:57 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
In her defense, she only discussed those topics with me when we were in private or it was just the two of us. She has enough good sense not to air disagreeable opinions in public. The classiest girls don't have opinions one way or another (or they at least keep them to themselves) or they just let the man take the lead regardless of what they think, but I consider it a positive that she knows better than to bring up these kinds of topics in public.
Date: February 29th, 2012 1:33 AM Author: lake market
some of those things (value of education, how to raise children) matter more than others (ability to use chopsticks).
but i can't dictate what bothers you. ultimately, i bet some of these issue wouldn't bother you (being into reality tv, not liking opera) if she otherwise had the social class you desire.
Date: February 29th, 2012 1:48 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Your last sentence is probably credited. I don't really see what's wrong with that. If we were of the same SES things would be much easier. You and your BF probably get along very well because you two came from low SES backgrounds and raised yourselves up.
Date: February 29th, 2012 2:56 AM Author: lake market
i don't think there's anything wrong with it b/c peopel can't change what they feel and if the class thing bothers you, it just does. but given that your thread title says that she is a "great girl," i would assume she has some great qualities that make her long term partner material. i don't know if you appreciate those attributes that make her a "great girl" (which i assume is more than just looks) enough in light of the class issues.
i actually think my culture/class clashes w/ my bf are similar to yours on lots of things. an immigrant background is very different from prole white trash background (also growing up in NYC is very different from anywhere else). my background is well educated from good families who were only poor in the u.s. due to being immigrants. his dad was in the air force who married his mom at age 18, education was not emphasized, red lobster and olive garden were fancy and all his female cousins got pregnant before finishing HS. he also went to his state school and lives and dies by it.
our tastes in a lot of things will always be fundamentally different. he talks all the time about how he just enjoys being a simple country boy, drinking his beer and fishing in the swamp in a wifebeater. a few months ago when we were in napa staying in a house with a bunch of my friends, he wanted to play a drinking game called edward 40 hands where you duct tape 40s to your hands and i was somewhat annoyed that he was pushing drinking 40s when we were in napa having an "adult" wine country getaway.
but at the end of the day, fighting over the presets b/c he wants to listen to his country stations is not anywhere close to being a dealbreaker because he is a wonderful person who is very smart, funny, truly cares for me and would make a great dad. that the class thing bother you ultimately more than the attributes that make her a "great girl" in your mind makes you seem pretty superficial.
AA benefits wealthy minorities. It's white LMC people who get shafted by AA the most.
My overall circle has a few people from LMC backgrounds but all of them have spent most of their life after high school around upper-middle class or upper class professionals. They are poised, socially confident and you can't tell what their background is unless they tell you. If the OP's girl is like this (which it sounds like she's not) it's not a problem. The OP's crew sound a lot like my crew. Don't give a shit about background if someone can blend in, but not if someone can't.
I've been exposed to diversity, but the kind of diversity I've been exposed to is much more along ethnic or international lines than along socioeconomic lines. I have more Facebook friends from Mongolia than I have Facebook friends from lower-middle class backgrounds.
Someone above said it's more socially acceptable for chicks to care about SES. It's a salient point regardless of whether you're a chick or a dood. I just don't have a blasted thing in common with this girl. Most of my friends and my sister don't particularly like or trust her. They tolerate her, but they don't accept her. Or they keep talking about her tits, but in a way you'd talk about a slampiece's tits, not a GF's tits.
Those who like her think there's something off about her and question whether she'd fit in. My parents (who have met her once for dinner) think she's sweet but assume, because of her background and lack of anything in common, that it's only casual. I've only met one or two of her friends and let's just say that they weren't the kinds of people I'd voluntarily socialize with if given the chance.
LOL, people on this board care about all sorts of nonsense when dating. We saw Ruskie bleating about how she would never date someone under 5'10" as her ovaries shrivel up. Of course, this is equally stupid but many of the males here are shrewish as well. However, male shrews can eventually find someone to marry, the female shrews are utterly fucked.
I don't think differences in values is "nonsense" that should be ignored, and there's a large difference between someone who grew up lower middle class or poor and someone who grew up UMC or upper class. Your last sentence is pure revenge fantasy and completely false in my observation.
Differences in values aren't nonsense and differences in SEC are correlated but the correlation isn't perfect.
The last sentence is just true, though I note that often guys don't get to be male shrews without being fucked in the head so possibility doesn't mean anything will become of it.
Correlations are never perfect but the correlation between SES and values/worldview is pretty fucking strong. I mean someone who grew up in the ghetto and becomes a star running back in the NFL might have different values than the OP's girlfriend, but that doesn't mean that either of those two types of people would make an ideal or even recommended match for a UMC bro.
The only girls I know who are truly fucked are those who are in their late 30s and divorced. Early 30s girls still have time, especially in large cities, but there's little room for error. Heck I know people who got married (second marriage) in their 40s so what the hell do we all know.
Date: February 29th, 2012 1:50 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
They assume that since she's from a much lower SES than anyone else in the group that she's a grasping social climber. She's tried to make friends with some of the girls in our circle but that's out of her own friendliness and not of a desire for social mobility.
Date: February 29th, 2012 12:33 AM Author: talented preventive strike fanboi
How openly opinionated is she? One trait that separates the prole chicks from decent, well-behaved girls who happen to come from lower middle class families is willingness to offer unsolicited yet uninformed opinions about anything from politics (often social issues) to entertainment to fuck all what else.
In general, the way I distinguish between classy chicks and not classy chicks is how much and often they express opinions on topics with which one could reasonably disagree. Money comes and goes, but form and class stay. Expressing strong opinions in public is one of the hallmarks of a low-class chick, regardless of SES.
Date: February 29th, 2012 12:55 AM Author: Frum Resort Travel Guidebook
Fortunately, not very. It would have lasted about 3 weeks if she was the type to let her unsolicited opinions hang out in public. We've had political discussions but fortunately she's kept them between ourselves. She's unfortunately more opinionated than I'd like a girl to be in general, but she has the good grace to keep those opinions out of any discussion in mixed company.
The ideal, of course, is a girl who doesn't really care one way or another about the kinds of things that people get opinionated about. But at least she keeps the mouth shut and is cheerful and not all loud and proud most of the time.
As far as I can tell from this thread, which is admittedly not much, I'd say she's a lot better relationship material than you.
You've pointed to, literally, no short comings of hers. Rather she seems like an awesome person who if anything should be credited for her background.
Her immediate family seems decent and hard working and proud of her success.
She has some relatives who did bad shit. I have suicides and criminals in my extended family as well. Has zero bearing that I can perceive on my immediate family, which is above reproach.
You, on the hand, seem to have trash family and friends who just happen to have money. Your sister can't befriend her let alone think of her as a sister because she'll always suspect she's gold digging? NEWSFLASH if your sister won't befriend your wife because of some inchoate, baseless suspicion of gold digging it's your sister who is trash.
Your friends keep telling you (without pointing to ANY behavior that might establish suspicion) that she's probably a social climber. NEWSFLASH your friends are trash.
You continue to say how awesome this girl is, but oh noes look what my friends think. NEWSFLASH -- you're the social climber. You can't be comfortable around people who you admit are basically decent and you share interests with? Who don't seem to have tremendous influence on the girl? Who you may have to tolerate a couple times a year?
For this you're having reservations about a girl who is otherwise perfect?
NEWSFLASH -- you are an insufferable faggot who should look back at your performance in this thread and feel ashamed.
I can't even fathom how you wrote that sentence about your sister without realizing which family was trash.
could you feel his insecurity just fucking seething in his gut as he sat at that table thinking of what he could tell his friends when she said "could you please pass those green things, they're delicious!"
You would think the OP was the Prince of fucking Monaco looking for a suitable bride, and that his middle-class friends were members of the aristocracy. Instead, he's just an ugly, middle-class loser. LOL - Worrying about this girl stealing your fortune is like worrying about what color saddle to put on your unicorn.