Date: November 25th, 2005 3:07 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
I honestly don't remember anything after 11:00 last night, and I wasn't drinking, but there are some fucking insane posts dated 2, 3 am that no one but me could have written.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:29 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
That could be a way to describe it. I honestly don't remember anything that happened between about 10-11 pm yesterday and 1 pm this afternoon, when I woke up still exhausted.
This is why I always BCC myself on emails. I hate these blank spots where I do crazy shit, and I just hope I haven't done anything too damaging.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:33 PM Author: concupiscible turdskin
Actually, I think that if you're forgetting things you've done and it's not a drunken blackout, you might want to talk to your family doctor. Could be a health issue.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:38 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
I sort of remembered stuff after I read it, in that I knew only I could have written it, but only in bits and pieces, as if it were a dream or something. I sorta wish it were.
I'm going in to see someone next Friday about the depressive issues; I've had them since 16, they disappeared from Feb. to early October, then got really bad recently. I've never been so depressed as to literally lose memory.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:52 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
It's interesting that you say that, because the term "blue-blooded" has always connoted weakness. It's odd that on XO it's used as a positive, because almost nowhere else in the English-speaking world is it a compliment.
(Originally, sangre azul was a reference to the pale skin of the wealthy in southern Europe; pallor was a sign of status and with pale skin blue veins are visible. When it transported to English-speaking countries, it was associated with hemophilia and, in the US, the tendency of wealthy WASP types toward frigidity, haughtiness, extreme aloofness-- the opposite of red-bloodedness-- which does lead to an increased likelihood of mental illness... and here I am.)
Date: November 25th, 2005 4:01 PM Author: Purple windowlicker
I actually think you are the person who started (mis)using it in this way. I never saw anyone on here use it before you. There was a lot of talk about old/new money, but no mention of blue blood.
Date: November 25th, 2005 4:03 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
It was 174. "My blood is bluer than the bruises you get after being smacked by my prestigious cock." (Paraphrased.) All great XO schtick came from him (and Media Kid).
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:50 PM Author: Purple windowlicker
I actually knew a kid that had some of the same weird personality traits as pensive. He started having night terrors and sleep walking and stuff. Turned out he had a non-cancer brain tumor. They caught it in time but it was a close call.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:52 PM Author: Purple windowlicker
it wasnt cancerous, it was just a growth of tissue. It happens sometimes. Its less dangerous cause it doesnt metastisize (sp? -- spread) to other body parts.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:55 PM Author: concupiscible turdskin
Sometimes a tumor gets past the point where you can operate on it without severely damaging the brain. Or that's how it was expained to me, the science people probably can say it better.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:55 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
It would still be growing, just not capable of spreading to other parts of the body. So if it grew large enough and impaired brain function, it could still kill him or render him incapacitated.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:48 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
It can happen. Depression destroys all sorts of cognitive abilities. Over the long term, it can actually cause neural atrophy.
I would guess that I'm at an IQ level 20-25 points below baseline. In my first year of graduate school, this is really not a good thing, especially since I'm surrounded by people as smart as I am (and therefore much smarter when I'm like this). I can't focus, my intellectual thought is limited, and my sense of time is totally out of whack.
Date: November 25th, 2005 9:59 PM Author: Bat shit crazy fortuitous meteor
it's amazing that he said joe was "that type" last night, when really (and i'm sure he's not, just saying) pensive has way more of the characteristics you might associate with the mentally deranged, obsessive math grad student.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:42 PM Author: Charismatic filthy site
Recall that my argument was that you are closer to Lohman in behavior and temperament than Joe. I think most people would agree especially after your posts last night.
Date: November 25th, 2005 3:53 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
As I read over the shit, I can sort of remember typing it, and I'm clear on that I was up ridiculously late. I just would have no memory of what I wrote except by reading it the day after.
I also woke up distinctly remembering I had done something stupid the night before. XO was my first guess, and I was right.
Date: November 25th, 2005 4:07 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
Hm. What's also alarming to me is the timestamps, the fact that I was in these stupid arguments for so long.
When I get into these XO flamewars, I'm usually in the worst mental state. When I'm in a decent mental state, I usually avoid XO because it's not good for me. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the board, but a very sick part of me is attracted to it because of all the bullshit status posturing, schticking, and incivility.
I tried three times to take that last sentence of yours and make it my byline, but there's no way I can cut it to fit, make sense, and give credit to you.
Date: November 25th, 2005 5:38 PM Author: Bateful bistre bawdyhouse
i'd imagine that depression is a decent catalyst for art, but i'm not sure how well it comports with mathematical analysis. i'd go see a doc about it-- the winter can be be pretty depressing in the midwest.
Date: November 25th, 2005 5:48 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
Re depression and art: That's a myth, though a widely-circulated one. It's true that a lot of great art comes out of suffering-- mourning, tragedy-- but pain and grief are common for normal people. Depression-- the disease, not the passing mood everyone gets-- actually reduces creativity, which improves once the disease is treated (unless reduced creativity is one of the SSRI mindfucks, which is another thing to worry about). Much of why this misconception exists is that depression tends to be comorbid with high intelligence and creativity; though in truth depression diminishes those traits. On the other hand, manic-depression (bipolar disorder) can enhance creativity in some people. In my experience and observation, the gains are minor. I've never been manic, but I've had hypomania and while it produces a lot of energy (and sleep loss) very little actual work gets done and so the creative gains are useless.
I'm getting checked out this Friday; I called in on Nov. 15 when I realized the problem wouldn't "fix itself", and that was the earliest they could schedule me. I hope I can hold out until then. I'm not suicidal, but it's tough to get work done with this condition.
Date: November 25th, 2005 6:09 PM Author: Bateful bistre bawdyhouse
"That's a myth, though a widely-circulated one."
I was thinking of bipolar disorder when I wrote the post above. But if a more general depression hinders rather than spurs creativity, that does surprise me, at least in terms of my own creative output (I would argue that the even for normal people, pain and grief tends to accentuate and heighten their capacity for creative output as well). Perhaps I am bipolar.
Interesting that you brought up the SSRI thing-- I was going to partly base the rationale of my argument off of a lack of seratonin vs. a normal level of seratonin. Of course, normal serotonin =/= excess serotonin, and it's too simplistic to reduce the capacity for creative output off of one brain chemical. I'd be curious to see why depression reduces creativity, however.
Good luck with the appointment and I hope that everything works out well. I do admit to being curious what it would be like, however, if you came back as a completely different poster/schtick.
Date: November 25th, 2005 6:19 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
Since I've often used "pensive" as a euphemism for "depressed", I'd have to change the name. :)
I believe that pain and grief accentuate creativity, but those aren't the same thing as depression. Sad moods happen to everyone and are relatively healthy and normal.
Very few mental illnesses introduce new emotions; what most of them do is limit emotional range. The problem with depression seems to be as much about its prohibitive effect on the good emotions (energetic, happy, optimistic) as about the negative feelings it causes. I'm not sad, down, or upset right now-- pretty neutral, in fact-- but I haven't felt great (or even good) about life for a month, and that's a problem, because if I can't feel that unfettered goodness, my reward system gets all fucked up, my motivations flag and I start behaving in ways I shouldn't.
Depression kills creativity because it erodes confidence, and also leads to indecision, paralysis, and anxiety. Normal emotions of grief don't have these effects, but a long-term depressive disorder does.
Date: November 25th, 2005 7:01 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
My schtick is similar to what Media Kid was before he got sick of being thought stupid: whiny, well-off stupid kid saying shit to incite people. I agree that the schtick has long outlived its utility. Maybe schtick in general is just not good for me anymore. 174 and Media Kid seem robust enough that they can run offensive, belligerent (but highly amusing and beautifully executed) schticks on the board without compromise to their mental health, but I am not.
Date: November 25th, 2005 10:03 PM Author: Bat shit crazy fortuitous meteor
the only thing is, there are certain subjects (women/dating and joe caltech are the two that come to mind) where you're definitely NOT schticking and just as ridiculous. THOSE are where the problems lie and those are where you need to get some therapy to work out your issues.
Date: November 25th, 2005 10:08 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
The Joe Caltech hate is a schtick. I honestly don't care about him. Women/dating... eh, I wish it were going better, I really do. If I can get the depression cured, it shouldn't be so bad. I seem to do fine when I'm in a normal mood.
Date: November 25th, 2005 10:51 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
Aside from the Rhodes, which has a prestigious history, you're wrong. Anyway, once I get my head fixed I'll devour both you and him alive... that is, if I still care to be posting on XO.
Also, his board prestige is actually because of the number of people who suck his cock, and nothing else.
Date: November 25th, 2005 10:58 PM Author: Nubile brethren trust fund
His done numerous things outside of Rhodes - he won some presidential scholarship in HS, his company has won some award, he cowrote UYS, I read somewhere he was picked for some honor at Caltech - and that's just the shit I know about off the top of my head and I pay very little attention to Joe.
You made up a card game no one gives a shit about.
You lose and no amount of whining about depression will change this.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:14 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
UYA has a negative net effect on his prestige, and a huge one. The same holds for PrepMe. His degrees are quite impressive; that I'll concede. He has extremely prestigious degrees.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:21 PM Author: Nubile brethren trust fund
It wasn't meant to be witty. you just sound absolutely absurd whining about your mental health. See what real crazy people are like would do you some good.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:23 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
I wasn't whining. I started the thread because I woke up with practically no recollection of the previous 14 hours, and it scared the crap out of me to find that I had been flaming on XO, and had no idea what I had said.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:25 PM Author: Nubile brethren trust fund
You've been going on the entire thread about how you can no longer hide you have severe depression issues and whine whine whine and blah blah blah and so forth. It seems to me you just stayed up too late goofing off. But I'd probably tell you otherwise if it meant you paying to see me once a week as well as some kickbacks from a few drug companies.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:33 PM Author: Nubile brethren trust fund
You know, I was just about to go to bed, but in light of this post, I think I will spend all night on xoxo yapping it up if it means you will fucking leave forever, you ugly, jealous little bitch.
Date: November 25th, 2005 11:37 PM Author: Mischievous thriller public bath voyeur
Yeah, I left the college board because of all the unprestigious loser-fuckers, such as Joe Caltech. I thought the law board was better, so I came back, but I'm really itching to leave this fucker in the dust too, because it has the same caliber of loser-idiots.