This is fucked up. I'm sorry.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379625)

This is why I always BCC myself on emails. I hate these blank spots where I do crazy shit, and I just hope I haven't done anything too damaging.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379762)

I'm going in to see someone next Friday about the depressive issues; I've had them since 16, they disappeared from Feb. to early October, then got really bad recently. I've never been so depressed as to literally lose memory.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379818)

(Originally, sangre azul was a reference to the pale skin of the wealthy in southern Europe; pallor was a sign of status and with pale skin blue veins are visible. When it transported to English-speaking countries, it was associated with hemophilia and, in the US, the tendency of wealthy WASP types toward frigidity, haughtiness, extreme aloofness-- the opposite of red-bloodedness-- which does lead to an increased likelihood of mental illness... and here I am.)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379909)

I'm sure that pensive doesn't have anything wrong, but that's not the kind of thing you fuck around with.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379859)

Now I have another tumor to worry about

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379986)

I would guess that I'm at an IQ level 20-25 points below baseline. In my first year of graduate school, this is really not a good thing, especially since I'm surrounded by people as smart as I am (and therefore much smarter when I'm like this). I can't focus, my intellectual thought is limited, and my sense of time is totally out of whack.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379875)

All clear.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379822)

I also woke up distinctly remembering I had done something stupid the night before. XO was my first guess, and I was right.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4379919)

titcr.

i've woken up unable to walk.

twice.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380691)

When I get into these XO flamewars, I'm usually in the worst mental state. When I'm in a decent mental state, I usually avoid XO because it's not good for me. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the board, but a very sick part of me is attracted to it because of all the bullshit status posturing, schticking, and incivility.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380018)

I'm getting checked out this Friday; I called in on Nov. 15 when I realized the problem wouldn't "fix itself", and that was the earliest they could schedule me. I hope I can hold out until then. I'm not suicidal, but it's tough to get work done with this condition.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380566)

I was thinking of bipolar disorder when I wrote the post above. But if a more general depression hinders rather than spurs creativity, that does surprise me, at least in terms of my own creative output (I would argue that the even for normal people, pain and grief tends to accentuate and heighten their capacity for creative output as well). Perhaps I am bipolar.

Interesting that you brought up the SSRI thing-- I was going to partly base the rationale of my argument off of a lack of seratonin vs. a normal level of seratonin. Of course, normal serotonin =/= excess serotonin, and it's too simplistic to reduce the capacity for creative output off of one brain chemical. I'd be curious to see why depression reduces creativity, however.

Good luck with the appointment and I hope that everything works out well. I do admit to being curious what it would be like, however, if you came back as a completely different poster/schtick.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380676)

I believe that pain and grief accentuate creativity, but those aren't the same thing as depression. Sad moods happen to everyone and are relatively healthy and normal.

Very few mental illnesses introduce new emotions; what most of them do is limit emotional range. The problem with depression seems to be as much about its prohibitive effect on the good emotions (energetic, happy, optimistic) as about the negative feelings it causes. I'm not sad, down, or upset right now-- pretty neutral, in fact-- but I haven't felt great (or even good) about life for a month, and that's a problem, because if I can't feel that unfettered goodness, my reward system gets all fucked up, my motivations flag and I start behaving in ways I shouldn't.

Depression kills creativity because it erodes confidence, and also leads to indecision, paralysis, and anxiety. Normal emotions of grief don't have these effects, but a long-term depressive disorder does.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380725)

i second this

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4380756)

The fuck it is.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4382616)

Also, his board prestige is actually because of the number of people who suck his cock, and nothing else.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4382995)

You made up a card game no one gives a shit about.

You lose and no amount of whining about depression will change this.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4383044)

His 3.8 at Caltech and high GPA at the Mich masters program, those are accomplishments.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4383318)

-- Caltech undergrad w/ 3.8+ GPA

-- Michigan master's degree

-- self-made millionaire, owning a business that's won multiple entrepreneurial competitions, been featured in Fortune, CNN, and other media outlets

-- published author of a book that had multiple printings

Oh yeah, and THE FUCKING RHODES SCHOLARSHIP.

I don't see how you can say with a straight face that this guy isn't successful.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4383072)

Yeah, I've already conceded that his degrees are quite impressive.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4383170)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4382582)

But you do have a point.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4382599)

I probably have to end the schtick now that the cat's out, which is annoying because schtick is fun.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=305712&forum_id=2#4383309)