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It's the "Write Like Kaavya Viswanathan" thread!
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:42 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend It was the best of times. It was the worst of times, because my Range Rover had a flat tire. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698013) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: Frisky Psychic A spectre is haunting Harvard Yard -- the spectre of plagiarism. All the powers of new money Desi have entered into an unholy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Gucci and Prada, Range Rover and Lexis, Rasquach and sugarywitch. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698217) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:21 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend The Desis have nothing to lose but their movie options. They have a world to win. Plagiarists of the word, unite! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698437) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:54 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife and therein lies the struggle--more passages are written than can be plagarized. therefore, it must be the goal of each plagarist to plagarize as many passages as possible so that its genes may be passed on to a plagarizing progeny. and publishers then must select, naturally, which plagarists to make rich and which to condemn. many times a plagarist may "internalize" the DNA of another organism. i witnessed this many times on the galapagos islands. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704783) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:51 AM Author: nighttime cream persian You had me at 'hello opal'. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705496) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:12 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife Bill McHenry is a 26-year old white male with a stocky build and a beard. His head is shaved. He responded to my ad to be interviewed for this article wearing only leather pants, leather boots and a leather vest. I could see that both of his nipples were pierced with large-gauge silver rings.
Questioner: I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to prove to me that you're a nullo. Just so that our readers will know that this isn't a fake.
Bill: Sure, no problem. (stands and unbuckles pants and drops them to his ankles, revealing a smooth, shaven crotch with only a thin scar to show where his genitals once were).
Q: Thank you. That's a remarkable sight.
(laughs and pulls pants back up). Most people think so.
Q: What made you decide to become a nullo?
(pauses). Well, it really wasn't entirely my decision.
Q: Excuse me?
The idea wasn't mine. It was my lover's idea.
Q: Please explain what you mean.
Okay, it's a long story. You have to understand my relationship with Opal before you'll know what happened.
Q: We have plenty of time. Please go on.
Both of us were into the leather lifestyle when we met through a personal ad. Opal's ad was very specific: he was looking for someone to completely dominate and modify to his pleasure. In other word, a slave.
The ad intrigued me. I had been in a number of B&D scenes and also some S&M, but I found them unsatisfying because they were all temporary. After the fun was over, everybody went on with life as usual.
I was looking for a complete life change. I wanted to meet someone who would be part of my life forever. Someone who would control me and change me at his whim.
Q: In other words, you're a true masochist.
Oh yes, no doubt about that. I've always been totally passive in my sexual relationships.
Anyway, we met and there was instant chemistry. Opal is a few years older than me and very good looking. Our personalities meshed totally. He's very dominant.
I went back to his place after drinks and had the best sex of my life. That's when I knew I was going to be with Opal for a long, long time.
Q: What sort of things did you two do?
It was very heavy right away. He restrained me and whipped me for quite awhile. He put clamps on my nipples and a ball gag in my mouth. And he hung a ball bag on my sack with some very heavy weights. That bag really bounced around when Opal fucked me from behind.
Q: Ouch.
(laughs) Yeah, no kidding. At first I didn't think I could take the pain, but Opal worked me through it and after awhile I was flying. I was sorry when it was over.
Opal enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he talked about what kind of a commitment I'd have to make if I wanted to stay with him.
Q: What did he say exactly?
Well, besides agreeing to be his slave in every way, I'd have to be ready to be modified. To have my body modified.
Q: Did he explain what he meant by that?
Not specifically, but I got the general idea. I guessed that something like castration might be part of it.
Q: How did that make you feel?
(laughs) I think it would make any guy a little hesitant.
Q: But it didn't stop you from agreeing to Opal's terms?
No it didn't. I was totally hooked on this man. I knew that I was willing to pay any price to be with him.
Anyway, a few days later I moved in with Opal. He gave me the rules right away: I'd have to be naked at all times while we were indoors, except for a leather dog collar that I could never take off. I had to keep my head shaved. And I had to wear a butt plug except when I needed to take a shit or when we were having sex.
I had to sleep on the floor next to his bed. I ate all my food on the floor, too.
The next day he took me to a piercing parlor where he had my nipples done, and a Prince Albert put into the head of my cock.
Q: Heavy stuff.
Yeah, and it got heavier. He used me as a toilet, pissing in my mouth. I had to lick his asshole clean after he took a shit, too. It was all part of a process to break down any sense of individuality I had. After awhile, I wouldn't hesitate to do anything he asked.
Q: Did the sex get rougher?
Oh God, yeah. He started fisting me every time we had sex. But he really started concentrating on my cock and balls, working them over for hours at a time.
He put pins into the head of my cock and into my sack. He attached clothespins up and down my cock and around my sack. The pain was pretty bad. He had to gag me to keep me from screaming.
Q: When did the idea of nullification come up?
Well, it wasn't nullification at first. He started talking about how I needed to make a greater commitment to him, to do something to show that I was dedicated to him for life.
When I asked him what he meant, he said that he wanted to take my balls.
Q: How did you respond?
Not very well at first. I told him that I liked being a man and didn't want to become a eunuch. But he kept at me, and wore me down. He reminded me that I agreed to be modified according to his wishes, and this is what he wanted for me. Anything less would show that I wasn't really committed to the relationship. And besides, I was a total bottom and didn't really need my balls.
It took about a week before I agreed to be castrated. But I wasn't happy about it, believe me.
Q: How did he castrate you?
Opal had a friend who was into the eunuch scene. One night he came over with his bag of toys, and Opal told me that this was it. I was gonna lose my nuts then and there.
Q: Did you think of resisting?
I did for a minute, but deep down I knew there was no way. I just didn't want to lose Opal. I'd rather lose my balls.
Opal's friend restrained me on the living room floor while Opal videotaped us. He used an elastrator to put a band around my sack.
Q: That must have really hurt.
Hell yeah. It's liked getting kicked in the balls over and over again. I screamed for him to cut the band off, but he just kept on going, putting more bands on me. I had four bands around my sack when he finished.
I was rolling around on the floor screaming, while Opal just videotaped me. Eventually, my sack got numb and the pain subsided. I looked between my legs and could see my sack was a dark purple. I knew my balls were dying inside.
Opal and his friend left the room and turned out the light. I lay there for hours, crying because I was turning into a eunuch and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
Q: What happened then?
Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion. Then the light switched on and I could see Opal's friend kneeling between my legs, touching my sack. I heard him tell Opal that my balls were dead.
Q: How did Opal react?
Very pleased. He bent down and felt around my sack. He said that it felt cold.
Opal's friend told me that I needed to keep the bands on. He said that eventually my balls and sack would dry up and fall off. I just nodded. What else could I do at that point?
Q: Did it happen just like Opal's friend said?
Yeah, a week or so later my package just fell off. Opal put it in a jar of alcohol to preserve it. It's on the table next to his bed.
Q: How did things go after that?
Opal was really loving to me. He kept saying how proud he was of me, how grateful that I had made the commitment to him. He even let me sleep in his bed.
Q: What about the sex?
We waited awhile after my castration, and then took it easy until I was completely healed. At first I was able to get hard, but as the weeks went by my erections began to disappear.
That pleased Opal. He liked fucking me and feeling my limp cock. It made his dominance over me even greater.
Q: When did he start talking about making you a nullo?
A couple of months after he took my nuts. Our sex had gotten to be just as rough as before the castration. He really got off on torturing my cock. Then he started saying stuff like, "Why do you even need this anymore?"
That freaked me out. I always thought that he might someday take my balls, but I never imagined that he'd go all the way. I told him that I wanted to keep my dick.
Q: How did he react to that?
At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Opal said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.
But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.
Q: So how did he get you to agree?
He didn't. He took it against my will.
Q: How did that happen?
We were having sex in the basement, and I was tied up and bent over this wooden bench as he fucked me. Then I heard the doorbell ring. Opal answered it, and he brought this guy into the room.
At first I couldn't see anything because of the way I was tied. But then I felt these hands lift me up and put me on my back. And I could see it was Opal's friend, the guy who took my nuts.
Q: How did you react?
I started screaming and crying, but the guy just gagged me. The two of them dragged me to the other side of the room where they tied me spread eagled on the floor.
Opal's friend snaked a catheter up my dick, and gave me a shot to numb my crotch. I was grateful for that, at least. I remember how bad it hurt to lose my balls.
Q: What was Opal doing at this time?
He was kneeling next to me talking quietly. He said I'd be happy that they were doing this. That it would make our relationship better. That kind of calmed me down. I thought, "Well, maybe it won't be so bad."
Q: How long did the penectomy take?
It took awhile. Some of the penis is inside the body, so he had to dig inside to get all of it. There was a lot of stitching up and stuff. He put my cock in the same jar with my balls. You can even see the Prince Albert sticking out of the head.
Then they made me a new pisshole. It's between my asshole and where my sack used to be. So now I have to squat to piss.
Q: What has life been like since you were nullified?
After I got over the surgery and my anger, things got better. When I healed up, I began to like my smooth look. Opal brought friends over and they all admired it, saying how pretty I looked. It made me feel good that Opal was proud of me.
Q: Do you have any sexual feeling anymore?
Yes, my prostate still responds when Opal fucks me or uses the buttplug. And my nipples are quite sensitive. If Opal plays with them while fucking me, I have a kind of orgasm. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely an orgasm.
Sometimes Opal says he's gonna have my prostate and nipples removed, but he's just kidding around. He's happy with what he's done to me.
Q: So are you glad Opal had you nullified?
Well, I wouldn't say I'm glad. If I could, I'd like to have my cock and balls back. But I know that I'm a nullo forever. So I'm making the best of it.
Opal and I are very happy. I know that he'll take care of me and we'll be together always. I guess losing my manhood was worth it to make that happen for us.
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:34 PM Author: Mustard Candlestick Maker Lexis??? LOL (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5707561) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:42 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook i don't know whether it's sad or sweet but i was going to do a best, worst thing too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700959) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:14 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend And I was going to do a Milo Minderbinder thing. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701122) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:04 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook What's good for Kaavya is good for America! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702593) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:01 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife four score and seven years ago opal had a plan to get into harvard. many years from now the world will little note what is written in this book. kaavya cannot make these words sacred, for they have already been hallowed by other authors, in other books. so we come not to consecrate, but to recall the great works of those great authors. for without the plagarizing of these works, for the people, by kaavya, literature itself would perish. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704798) |
Date: May 1st, 2006 11:48 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction "Your mouth is open," Lex said.
Tim said, "I know him."
"Oh sure. You just met him."
"No," Tim said. "I have his book."
The bearded man said, "What book is that, Tim?"
"Lost World of the Dinosaurs," Tim said.
Alexis snickered. "Daddy says Tim has dinosaurs on the brain," she said.
Tim hardly heard her. He was dreaming of the recommendation letter Dr. Grant would write that would get him into Harvard. |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:57 AM Author: aggressive fragrant native DO NOT BE AFRAID. "That's fine for her to say, plagiarizing everything we say." He looked at the Range Rover. "Are you plagiarizing us now, Kaavya?" YES DAVID. "What a mess," the admissions consultant said. Zhou said, "I think it's an exciting development." The admissions consultant said, "Kaavya, can you plagiarize our minds?" YES. "Oh brother," the admissions consultant said. "She can plagiarize our minds." Maybe not, Zhou thought. He frowned, concentrating, and thought, Kaavya, can you hear me? The tinted Range Rover window remained up. Kaavya, tell me your name.
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:23 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Ha, not bad. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712477) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:52 PM Author: spectacular ebony useless brakes half-breed Call me Ishmopal. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698048) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:52 PM Author: Arousing Know-it-all Potus Wagecucks Call me Opal Mehta. Some years ago- never mind how long precisely- having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me in Jersey, I thought I would drive about a little in my Range Rover and see the Harvard part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to Harvard as soon as I can. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698051) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:54 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend And her father said unto Opal, Therefore whosoever shoppeth at Banana Republic, vengeance shall be taken on her sevenfold. And the father set a mark upon Opal, lest any finding her should try to steal her Gucci bag.
And Opal Mehta went out from the presence of her dad's house, and dwelt in the land of Harvard, on the east of United States.
And Opal knew her husband; and she conceived, and bare Sripu Babaganoush: and she builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of her son, City of Sripu Babaganoush. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:02 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction 171 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698088) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:12 AM Author: metal fiercely-loyal shitlib 174 for the inclusion of "Babaganoush." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698137) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:15 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend You don't watch 3 hours of MXC without learning a thing or two about Funny. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698157) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:55 PM Author: metal fiercely-loyal shitlib Quoth the raven: "LOL, plagiarism" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698061) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:56 PM Author: Arousing Know-it-all Potus Wagecucks 175 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698065) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:12 PM Author: Dark balding turdskin pozpig nevermore? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701395) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:58 PM Author: Rose dopamine it was the best of times, *and* the worst of times (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698072) |
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:58 PM Author: Arousing Know-it-all Potus Wagecucks A screaming comes across the Jersey sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698073) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:01 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend One Fish Two Fish Scarlet Fish Indigo Fish |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:53 AM Author: Purple Violent Idiot Mediation Underappreciated. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698297) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:05 AM Author: motley obsidian point Ridin Spinners please (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698106) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:05 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Friends, New Jerseyans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to copy Megan, not to praise her. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:11 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend I was trying to think of some good Shakespeare to use. I may be back with some JC in a minute. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698131) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:16 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction I'll admit, mine was pretty shitty. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698162) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:01 AM Author: glittery mauve idea he suggested plaza I don't know, I thought it had some wit to it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698334) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:06 AM Author: motley obsidian point (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698111) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:10 AM Author: bateful school associate How did it happen that making the tired claim that this ghetto shithole is UNDERrated became the signature conversation piece for people who desperately want to be thought smart; really, really smart. smart people love "rigor" and PCL is full of it; it must be, what with its hair-splitting number grades, punishingly low enforced mean, and oppressive course load. PCL boosterism usually comes in the form of a comparison with the appallingly UNrigorous Nova Southwestern or Notre Dame -- gradeless, abundantly pass-fail, unserious; students who do nothing and know nothing. PCL: graded, competitive, serious... That it's really just a ruptured ego rehab clinic for Cooley rejects is a fact not emphasized. I have seen a homely PCL girl, deep into her second year, still spontaneously weeping upon Proustian recollections of the stiff NO Cooley sent her, in brisk three-week turnaround time from the point her doomed application was deemed complete. Happy December, chickiepoo. Then the Notre Dame axe fell, as it does. Welcome to the New Year, dipshit. January passed; February crawled by with those joyless acceptances that only accentuated the horror of Plan B: Suffolk, which is a "Law Center," a failed euphemism if ever there was one. Next: woeful Texas Southern. Oh, what a very bad school. And -- what do we have here?!? -- an NESL full-ride. Ummmm, no. On second thought in stead of NESL I'd prefer the f free roasted dogshit mignon with a pus reduction sauce and a heaping blob of earwax garnish. Thank you no. I am woe. Add to that the fact that the imbecile whoalways posts about how Sean Hannity is a "serious thinker" just got into Cooley. Time for you to start some damage-control posting here, on the PR board, pretending to seriously consider this NESL affront. You wave the flag of thrift and test out a quaintly anachronistic abhorrence of debt. Substantively, you add in some tommyrot about how NESL's "really strong in ...'international law,' whatever the fuck that is. NESL? Yeah, right. But you need something that gives the illusion that Suffolk, if it comes to that, isn't the three years incarcerated in a smegma chamber that it is. So good, so fine you'll drop the cash dollars despite that lovely gift from BU. You're forming a cover story; something to puff the very real and very nauseating prospect of joining 600 other defeated mediocrities at ... fuck, no ... Suffolk. And you thought going to college at Penn was bad. . Still, there are two more to hear from. Two more law schools ...There's that late April Nova Southwestern rejection (inconsiderate bastards) which at least affords you ample time to manufacture the next layer in the cover story: e.g., a strict policy against California, a suburban aversion, a preference for bigness, all of which eliminate Nova Southwestern from the sweepstakes. Be sure, too, to ridicule their tepid 25-75 LSAT %ile, too. Kill it dead, if you must. Maybe you thrust out of your frozen horror by sending off one of those strategic "withdrawal" letters, the way all those clowns do when Cooley puts them on hold ... ".you cant't fire me ... i quit! " Adios, Nova Southwestern. Suck my cunt, you no-SCOTUS-clerking/dike-dean-TTT. ... die, die, you gravy-sucking pig. .... and now, then, there is just one. PCL. The College of Law. PCL does do that pathetic yield-maximizing stall, so February passes, March crawls. They haven't the nuts to try the ricockulous move Nova Southwestern does. So they write. Ever rigorous, The Law School requests the pleasure of your company. Not so fast . No decision has been made. They want to inspect you in person. The "evaluative interview. Looking for people skills. And evident thirst for knowledge. The life of the law is the law itself. It seems you've fucked up; quite possible3 when the went "behind the numbers." Maybe those two essay paragraphs about why the 171, exactly where you topped out in Kaplan, is a truer measure than the 164. maybe it was two paragraphs too many. You weren't an auto-admit. So off to the "evaluative interview," and you give them not much to evaluate. You stay on message, though: owing to its RIGOR, PCL is now, and ever was, your FIRST CHOICE. Tell your audience what it wants to hear. Then they decide, engaging the only evaluation that matters in this gig. Looks like they can break even with your sorry ass. Median-wise, your 171 nullifies the 159 URM from Howard they took yesterday. They'll swallow your 3.46; sometimes that's the price of a yield-lock, and you're that. (No one's swallowing the Howard guy, if you catch my racy double entendre.) These admissions guys talk, as you suspected, and you wisely decide against telling them it had come down to PCL or Cooley for you; first versus second choice; no choice at all. Never get caught lying. Bad idea, even worse than telling that stupid girl from Emory you were "a Kennedy." These things get found out. Like they say, no sense lying about your cock size. Turns out you didn't need to fake a bidding war. The usual stampede of all PCL's best admitees are going to Y and H and S without so much as the courtesy of telling C to go pound sand. Why tell them what they already know? They need to fill place #143 of their famously teeny-weenie class. The assumed occupant got unheld at Cooley this morning; never so relieved, he had the audacity to ask PCL for his deposit back. They don't need these headaches. You're in. They write, very pleased to offer admission; then a recital of just how "keen" the competition was for the few precious "seats" in the class of 2006; and, finally, a paragraph celebrating the legal profession with a toploftiness and richly felt purpose so precisely at variance with reality that you are unsettled by the suspicion that you might be the target of a satire so subtly corrosive that you will never connect it with the despair that will progress, exponentially; beginning as a persistent annoyance progressing into a pervasive physical and mental crapulence and ending in the crippling burden as lumber and writhe and tumble toward the epiphany. What epiphany is that? That this "career" of yours --BIGLAW! -- has somewhat less to recommend it than residence in the "shoe" at Pelican Bay. For now, though, the seed of tragic hopelessness finds expression in the "Law Discussion Area." You post -- IN AT PCL -- and, without overtly lying, you manufacture the entirely erroneous impression that you "chose" PCL, being also the originator of the PCL v. COOLEY and NOTRE DAME v. PCL threads, under various of your insipid monikers, all selected from either Pulp Fiction or Friends. Be careful not to ass fuck your credibility, though. The purported Notre Dame turn-down is a tough one to pull off. The "New Haven's-an-armpit" trope just doesn't pass the ha-ha test. It's too puny a reason to toss away a lifetime of being supposed a genius ... fuck it: always good to give your fabrications a little populist tint, not to mention a dollop of truth. Join the commiseration thread of Notre Dame rejects; pretend to be sad for that Nuisance turd; be one of the masses for once. Getting rejected isn't the same thing as not getting in, You merely did not get in. You claim to have been wait-listed; and, with admirable maturity, you hold out no hope. Remember, too, this lie must be built on several fronts. Lard up the Cooley thread with grave concern about big classes, low morale, faculty acrimony, and speculation about a precipitous US News ranking drop. Throughout April, you go political, fulminating about Tribe and Dershowitz and how Duncan Kennedy drives a far-too-expensive car. to be a genuine socialist. PCL's "conservative climate" is just a better fit for you; marginal cost curves figure in your every analytical moment; you read Posner opinions on the crapper; Coase is as important as Socrates. There is that little stinging glitch, though. Somehow Nova Southwestern neglected to process that request to quash your application, which is not favorably acted upon and this is memoriaized in a letter that suggests the Nova Southwestern Admissions Office ignores their LaserWriter Pro's TONER LOW warning. On May 7th they regret to inform and wish you well at any of the scores of other law schools that, they assure you "offer excellent programs of legal instruction." (Which, you have no doubt, they do. What they don't offer, is really the only important thing Nova Southwestern does offer: the opportunity to sit for three years with your thumb up your ass, comatose, and still get the job you'll have to bust nuts to get coming from whichever craphole you end up at.) It's sealed. An ugly, styleless maroon PCL LAW, Champion sweatshirt has arrived, per your online order. You wear it, eliciting congratulations from the babe you want to rail. She's so happy for you, and you're so wrapped up in the fantasy of creaming on her tits you nearly miss perky aside that her boyfriend remains in the throes of elation from his admission to Notre Dame, back in January. Throughout the summer, you bookmark links that embody the wisdom US News lacks. Your are heading off, soon, to your own first choice, which also places first in a ranking produced by the rigorous methodology conceived by a statistician from the University of Maryland Baltimore County. That Cooley tied for #14 undermines your confidence in the ranking diminishes the likelihood it will supplant US News' preeminence. So you go. Your Hyde Park apartment is actually rather nice. Your housemate went to Cooley College. One night, instead of jacking off before sleep, you register as an active component of your self-conception the notion that, transitively, your housemate's undergraduate credential nullifies the Cooley rejection that left you lusterless and unlaid at your senior prom, -- and has persisted as a gnawing ache, going on five years. You are now on equal footing with a Cooley graduate. Should your law school prowess exceed his -- say a 75 in Torts to his 74 -- you will once and for all flick away the scab of that Cooley wound. First cut is the deepest. As it turns out, your housemate is an engaging, witty fellow. He's porking the big bosomed lady with the Dutch accent. Wow! He offers to you, his new chum, the story of his own execution -- by lethal injection -- as expected, he painlessly relates, by the COOLEY admission staff. You pretend to explore what might have caused things to go awry, flatulating the usual fatuousness about Cooley being excessively "numbers driven," the "arbitrariness" of it all, dangling the threat of going on at some length, when he offers up the only information you genuinely care to know about him: : 178/3.34 ..Of course some one will inevitably have the 6th percentile college GPA in every COOLEY class; probably not a white guy from Greenwich, though. Friendship is built through reciprocity. So you tell your own story. You attempt to weave compassion into the telling of your story, being careful not to appear boastful about not just possessing, but discarding something he does not possess. COOLEY. Dreamy, So, your story: the grueling back-and-forth ... one day it's PCL, the next Cooley; the hardest decision you've ever made; that feeling of immense responsibility to yourself; discovering and summoning the emotional maturity to pierce the specious veil that is prestige. With the bearing of a battle weary soldier you tell what it is to do something rarely done -- circumnavigate the Earth, dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop, turn down Cooley Law School . You picked PCL. You chose, you adorable little existentialist. You are not exposed, chiefly because this a shared lie, Community glue. (Postscript: Throughout the 1Lyear you and your housemate discover much commonality, He, too, prefers the Stones to the Beatles. You both smoke pot. neither is circumcised. You've each fucked 5 girls; gotten head from several others. Each of you applies to transfer. He gets into COOLEY. He turns down Cooley Law School. Of course no two people are exactly alike. Your desire to transfer wanes around the time Nova Southwestern and Notre Dame's decisions on your transfer applications reach you by mail. You begin the PCL 1L TAKING QUESTIONS thread. One of your alter ego monikers asks simply: how do you like PCL. You love it. You wouldn't go anywhere else and, you note, there were other places you could have gone. Same for your housemate. He transfers to Notre Dame.) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698130) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:13 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend A slightly different take, but I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698144) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:15 AM Author: bateful school associate ty (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698155) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:13 AM Author: Bronze orchestra pit telephone lol (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698147) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:21 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water I saw the mediocre minds of my generation destroyed by weakness, striving hysterical Harvard-obsessed, dragging themselves through the Indian streets at dawn looking for "extracurrics", Opal-headed nonprofits burning for the ancient "leadership" connection to the starstruck teenager in the machinery of Byerly, who New-Money and tatters and... et cetera et cetera |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:25 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Shit! What is that? My lit prof would be smacking me right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698188) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:27 AM Author: Trip crackhouse gunner Allen Ginsberg (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698191) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction I thought so. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698216) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:21 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Squire Srinivasan, Dr. Patel, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Harvard Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted, I take up my pen in the year 20__, and go back to the time when my father kept the "Admiral Jersey" inn, and the brown old publisher, with the sabre cut, first took up her lodging under our roof. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698180) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:45 AM Author: aggressive fragrant native hahaha... I actually just read Treasure Island out of boredom. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698257) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:31 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water What my folks will find after work is a big naked novel, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of kitsch and twisted metaphors. The opposite of a kid studying himself to death while he jacks off. This is the Opal they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a writing scholarship and get an IB job. Who'd plagiarize them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky opals of wasted effort. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698206) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: Burgundy old irish cottage halford This is a good one. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698219) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:39 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water Gutsy, at least. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698241) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:42 AM Author: Burgundy old irish cottage halford haha (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698247) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:50 AM Author: cyan brunch milk guts by chuck pahalaniuk? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698278) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:57 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water Yep (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698317) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:01 AM Author: cyan brunch milk good fucking call dude. one of the most disgusting, yet brilliant things ive ever read. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698331) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:58 AM Author: aggressive fragrant native That story sucks. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698322) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:37 AM Author: Vigorous charcoal alpha False. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705080) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 12:06 PM Author: aggressive fragrant native False. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5706021) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:12 AM Author: Vigorous charcoal alpha False. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712467) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:32 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Desi girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me near one of 170 specialty boutiques and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all Jean Paul Gaultier perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698210) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:03 AM Author: glittery mauve idea he suggested plaza awesome. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698347) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 7:53 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704979) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:34 AM Author: Nubile hospital I heard this letter came into the Indian version of Miss Abby...
Dear Miss Krisnuvishnabillooprat--
I am nineteen years old now and I don't know what to do and would appreciate it if you could tell me what to do. When I was a little girl it was not so bad because I got used to the kids on the block making fun of me and my miniature Range Rover, but now I would like to have boyfriends like the other girls and go out on Saturday nites, but no boy will take me because I was born without a nose or soul--although I am a good writer and have a nice shape and my father buys me pretty clothes. I sit and look at myself all day and cry. I have a big hole in the middle of my face and heart that scares people even myself so I cant blame the boys for not wanting to take me out. My mother loves me, but she crys terrible when she looks at me. What did I do to deserve such a terrible bad fate? Even if I did do some bad things I didnt do any before I was a year old and I was born this way. I asked Papa and he says he doesnt know, but that maybe I did something in the other world before I was born or that maybe I was being punished for his sins. I dont believe that because he is a very nice man. Ought I commit suicide? Sincerely yours, Desperate |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:36 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction What happens to an application deferred? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698225) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:47 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend nice (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698267) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:38 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water The noble David Zhou Hath told you Kaavya was ambitious. If it were so, it was a grievous fault, And grievously hath Kaavya answered it.... Come I to speak in Kaavya's Internetspwnage. She was my bitch, submissive and just to me. But David Zhou says she was ambitious, And David Zhou is an honorable man. She hath brought much chick-lit home to Harvard, Whose ransoms did her Range Rover fill. Did this in Kaavya seem ambitious? When that the TTTs have cried, Kaavya has Ivywise'd. Ambition* should be played by sterner cards. Yet David Zhou says she was ambitious, And David Zhou is an honorable man.
* http://ambition-game.blogspot.com/ |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:47 AM Author: Nubile hospital too easy (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698263) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:57 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water See my next. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698315) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:56 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water This was out in the Atlantic northeast. I normally don't go there, on account of its prestigious weather and Old Moneyness, but parental opinion affects The Places We Go. Ask Dr. Seuss. Even plagiarize him.
Last Tuesday I was wandering around when I ventured across a store selling Magic cards. Magic! For those of you who don't know, it's a game where snot-nosed New Money kids spend their allowances on Harvard diplomas, and then play write some stupid wizard game novel to get them. I can't express how TTT this game is, for those who haven't seen it. It's just the anti-prestige, that's all.
As it were, this store sold ONLY Magic cards, nothing of actual value. I also learned that every evening, a bunch of the local tramp-kids would come in and plagiarize chick-lit for a few hours. You know by now how intolerant I am of this type of loser-fuckery. I simply had to take action.
Next day, I made sure to eat all the greasy, MSG-laden, Indian takeout I could handle. I topped that with about $6 of Pakistani food, knowing it would breach the border of my sphincter upon nightfall. Then I was ready. I went to the Magic store, about an hour before the tournament, and used the bathroom in the back.
So, you ask: Ms. Viswanathan, what's the big deal here? What's so special about crapping? The nuance is that I didn't use the BOWL as my target. Nah, the bowl-- much like writing your own novels-- is for middle-class fuck-ups. Instead, I left my load where the truly prestigious do, in the TANK. Hahahahahaha. For those who don't know, this is what's known as an upper-decker.
Crash course in how a toilet works: the tank is the reservoir of clean water, and after flushing, water from the tank will refill the bowl. Well, if there's shit in the tank, it doesn't come out easily, so flushes will come out brown and stinky every time, until the plumber comes. (Do they still have those, or has that job been automated?) A well-conducted (not too watery, not too solid) upper-decker has the capacity to shit-stink a whole Byerly Hall, and easily a small store.
After planting my bomb in the toilet, I left, only to arrive at the tournament at starting time, an hour later. The place didn't smell clean, exactly-- it smelled like Magic players-- but the absence of shit-stink worried me. Had my upper-decker failed? Could they have called in the Harvard Crimson already? Or had it simply been that no one flushed? Find out in the next installment of... no, I'm just kidding.
I wanted to see the results of my activity, and therefore had to register in the tourney to watch. It would, after all, be very suspicious for there to be a girl in a Range Rover (yes, a Range Rover; I drive Range Rovers when I upper-deck) keeping to herself and snickering. So I absolutely had to fit in somehow, and playing Magic was the way.
I only know the basic rules of Magic (I played that TTT once in '95 when it was not so TTT) but not the strategy. But, I had one trump card more important than any other: MONEY. Drawing out my $500,000 book advance, I purchased a massive wad of cards, including one Black Loti-- which I plagiarized to make two copies (only to have the fucker inform me that I could only use one)-- Mox Gems, and several other cards because of their price tags; I didn't even look at what the cards did. I paid another player $100 to build me a deck from this collection of about 200 cards, and went into the game with the deck he made. Guess what? I fucking won. I beat those welfare-check-receiving professors' kids at their own game. After I got first place, I made a public statement: "You fuckers have been beaten at your own game. And why? Because Magic is not a game of strategy or skill. It's a game of who has the most money! And I'm rich. Haha, eat shit!" Then I drew out about fifteen more C-notes and threw them about the place. Of course, just like animals, those classless beasts scrambled to get them like hyenas to a lion-kill. Or like New Money snots to an Ivy admissions counselor.
Around this time, someone had ventured into the men's room. At the conclusion of my speech, I heard a flush and a scream. Then some bespectacled, befreckled, obese 10-year-old came out screaming. "The water's brown! It stinks! The toilet refilled itself with more poop!" I had to hide my face to cover my smirk.
If not corrected, upper-deckers ripen. The shit-sludge in the toilet tank becomes more rank and rotten, and each flush makes the whole place stink worse, even worse than my unoriginal writing. Well, I ventured by that same shop on Friday, a couple days later. It smelled like, well, shit. The owner of the place was in tears: he had been skimming the black/red line for months, no one wanted to shop in a stinky store, and he was afraid this problem was going to put him out of business.
"Here," I said, throwing two C-notes onto a table. "Call a plumber. You can even use my cell to call him. Ask him about that novel he's been writing, and if it's good, 'package' and sell it."
I've always hated Magic, and I still do, but I draw the line at putting a man out of business. It's not something I'll do. While I avoided admitting responsibility, I gave him my number so he could call me to redress any further damages related to lost sales or reputation.
Since I had effectively undone, in an act of compassion, my first upper-decker, I needed to make a new one. Being near Seattle, I chose a better and more deserving target: the Wizards of the Coast store in downtown Seattle. I pwned that fucker's toilets with, get this, FOUR upper-deckers in 8 hours. My intestines were literally throbbing in pain after this (especially given the burning spiciness of the fuel I had used) but it was well worth it. I can only imagine what that place ended up smelling like. 5/5 flying first strike that, bitch.
On Saturday, I introduced multiple Starbucks to a new type of mocha. On Monday, I managed to get Access to Microsoft's headquarters (ah, contacts) and had an intimate Word with their plumbing. I guess you can say I left a few literary devices in unwanted places.
Ah, yes. This was the ultimate expression of my (transplanted) northeastern prestige. Fuck the West Coast.
Next month, on my birthday, I will use my family's most powerful contacts in order to gain entrance of, and then to upper-deck, the Castle of Shit, the home of Senator Rick Santorum. Until then...
Stay slick,
-Kaavya Viswanathan |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:57 AM Author: aggressive fragrant native "They look like white elephants," the admissions consultant said. "I've never plagiarized that," Kaavya drank her latte. "No, you wouldn't have." "I might have," Kaavya said. "Just because you say I wouldn't have doesn't prove anything." The admissions consultant looked at the Vuitton bag. "You've plagiarized something on it," she said. "What does it say?" |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:02 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water Subject: 180 I think Hemingway was the first to use "170 specialty shops", by the way. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698342) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:52 PM Author: idiotic comical gaping stage Hills like White Lies?
An amazing post. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:41 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe awesome (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704020) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:04 AM Author: emerald corner nice choice (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704127) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:59 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Opal, a young woman with purple eyes, and a shriveled left foot limped slowly along the dark corridor. The old man held a torch that struggled to stay alight within the almost airless dungeon beneath Sir Vixthror's castle.
"Observe the roof, Opal. Do you see how the growth of the mold traces out a long, crooked line ? A pipe lies there . They're even hidden within the walls." The old man turned to tap the wall on his right side. When the echo was faint, he smiled in contentment, "aahh... there's another one right here"
"Whence comes the water that runs in these pipes, master ?"
"I never said that these pipes carried water, Opal"
"Then what do they carry, master ?"
To be continued... |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:14 PM Author: Dark balding turdskin pozpig you are such an underappreciated poster.
maybe it's the moniker. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:00 AM Author: hairraiser church building headpube In the room the women come and go, / Talking of Da Vinci. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698329) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:02 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Genius. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698343) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:17 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency LOL (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698415) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:51 AM Author: Razzle incel this one actually made me LOL in real life, in a library, during finals week. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712519) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:01 AM Author: Silver odious sound barrier school cafeteria Sholden Mehta: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'?..."
Moneypenny: "It's 'If a body sees a bag that catches the eye'!... It's a poem." |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:03 AM Author: High-end Stead Gay Wizard Though I walk through the vally in the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for HARVARD is with me. My trust fund and my Range Rover comfort me. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698346) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:15 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency Many years later, as she faced the Dean of Student Affairs, Kaavya Viswanathan was to remember that distant afternoon when her father took her to discover Range Rovers. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698409) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:31 AM Author: idiotic comical gaping stage awesome (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698495) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:06 PM Author: Big Filthy Sneaky Criminal 178. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700666) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:28 PM Author: snowy curious hall skinny woman this gave me tingling down my spine 177 |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:43 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705836) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:53 AM Author: Razzle incel my second actual LOL in a library in finals weeek
179
this whole thread is great |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:19 AM Author: slimy aromatic boiling water So, I just got back to the United States today, around 4:00 am New Delhi Time, and already I'm in the swing of things. This just shows how literary I am. I'm also $500,000 richer. That may not seem like a lot of money, but hey, it's almost half a gastank on my Range Rover. I'm Ridin' Spinners.
My friends and I have a thing we like to do called "plagiarizing". It's when a bunch of rich kids go out and try to score with fattest chick-lit writer they can find. We usually make it a contest: each of us throws in $100, and whoever gets the fattest chick-writer gets into Harvard. Of course, the tricky part is plagiarizing the novel. They usually haven't "packaged" for months. (And what use would packaging be to such writers? They'd need someone else to read the novel, and they always live in investment banks.)
Anyway, so on my first night State-side in over a month, my prep school buddies and I decide to hit the clubs, plagiarizing. Plagiarizing is my favorite sport of all time because it doesn't take a modicum of literary skill, but requires a high tolerance for 170 specialty shops. After all, what could be more ironic than seeking out the very genres (chick-lit) that are most undesirable?
When my friends and I go plagiarizers, we generally restrict it to one of the five trashiest publishers in New York. Plagiarizing will negatively affect one's reputation in a place, so it's wise only to do it in trashholes that never have good pickings. We hit the smoky places where no one has a college education, the women are all used-up by 17, and half of them wear belly shirts showing off their wrinkly, mangled navels that could turn off a perpetual motion machine. We hit the places that most kids of our means only read about in plagiarized books. Then, we go to work hitting the chick-lit writers.
It was a delicious time. Imagine 3 stuck-up, rich, teenage girls competing over a piggish woman in moo-moo. This girl was wearing shoes two sizes too small, and they looked like they were going to burst under the stress caused by the excess flesh of her cankles. She was wearing a tanktop and had twin fractal patterns of cellulite on her upper arms. She claimed she was a "book packager". No way. No one would hire her as a co-plagiarizer. I later found out from the bartender that she worked at Little, Brown, that she went to the place every night and usually stayed there crying past 1:00 am.
Anyway, there were 3 of us competing over this pig. Guess who got her? Moi. So I took her back to a fleabag hotel (you NEVER use your own place when plagiarizing) and brought her in. She sat on the bed, bending it into a U shape, and looked at me.
"Well," I said, "you know the deal." She stared at me.
"You're not getting any foreplay, pig."
"The lights are on. I can only take off my clothes with the lights off."
I couldn't believe her lack of self-confidence. Her book was a grade-A cow. At least 300 pages, the fattest I've been with. What did she have to hide. In any case, I turned off the lights and we went at it.
Five minutes in, I started to smell something coming from her armpit. Something salty. So, I sneak my hand in between her arm and her ribcage and start fingering around in the five department stores of her rolls. Truly a disgusting texture. Does anyone remember in 7th grade when Sloppy Firsts was the funniest thing ever, because of McCafferty, and everyone plagiarized a page of the stuff just to see what it was like? Her rolls had a similar writing style to Sloppy Firsts, coated in a similar salty slop motif. So I'm feeling my way around her rolls (disgusted, but morbidly curious) and finally I get to the offending object. I draw out-- I kid you not-- a half-eaten curry. It must have been trapped in there for days. I honestly didn't peek into it to see what kind it was. I was too grossed out. I stuck it on the dresser while "unconsciously internalizing" her, half-flaccid because I was so grossed-out.
I didn't come, and I don't think she did either, but because she probably never had an orgasm and didn't know what it was, after about 3 minutes she starts plagiarizing, denying wrongdoing violently, as she has seen in the porn movies she, surely, watches every day. (Before that, she had been a still, dead fish.) Which relieves me of my duty, so I get out of there. My last gesture is to rip the covers off the bed, turn on the lights, and flash a picture of her with a digicam. Pwned, bitch.
This isn't enough, though. This woman was truly a disgusting pig, so even this wasn't enough revenge at her for being so filthy and ugly. So after I pull on my clothes, I take the nasty, sweaty sandwich, yell "Disgusting Pig!", and chuck the sandwich right at her abundant book, lodging it into one of the passages I "borrowed". I snap two more pictures and leave her in the hotel room, probably crying and eating that sandwich or something. I run out and catch a cab.
Around midnight, all of us in the group are back in a pizza shop where we like to hang out, comparing digicam shots. As it turned out, none of us had gotten our hogs onto the scales, so it was hard to judge who won. However, my shot was perfect: a fat, naked bitch with a look of betrayed shock on her face, a rotten pumpernickel-bread sandwich wedged between her fat rolls on her left side. I also had a copy of her novel, which I planned to rip off word-for-word. Since I clearly had shown the best plagiaristic prowess, my buddies agreed that I was the winner. Sweet. This puts me up $500,000. It's not a lot of money, but it'll pay the the post-plagiarism lawyer fees for a couple of days.
One of my prep school buddies has a few servers on the dot-com domain (.com) of tubgirl fame. (By the way, Tubgirl, NOT me, was the inspiration for Opal Mehta. I'm just an Indian-American who got good grades and wants to get into an Ivy League college.) These are the best for shock images, because they don't require registering and therefore there's no chance of being outed. Sometime this summer or fall, I'm putting a plagiarized novel about my sandwich bitch up on the Internet with full name and location, along with some of the other hogs my buddies bagged. You watch: my sandwich girl will be the next Opal Mehta. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:23 AM Author: Soul-stirring international law enforcement agency A few years ago, while browsing around my library downtown, I had to take a piss. As I entered the john a big beautiful all-american football hero type, about twenty-five, came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was "straight" and married -- and in any case I was sure I wouldn't have a chance with him. As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured. The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist. I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself. Of course I'd had jerk-off fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but I had never done it. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud. Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract? I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. I've found since then that shit nearly almost does. I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss. I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit. Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer. But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my hankerchief, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom. I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. I must have had six orgasms in the process. I often think of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.
Um.. Harvard, Harvard, Injun, Injun. Curry. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:38 PM Author: Purple Violent Idiot Mediation Underappreciated. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702432) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:29 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, child." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698480) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:36 AM Author: talented brilliant stain It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single girl in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a Range Rover. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698526) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:47 AM Author: cyan brunch milk totally expected from a girl. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698572) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:52 AM Author: talented brilliant stain It's the original chick lit. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698590) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:52 AM Author: cyan brunch milk truf (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698597) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 2:06 AM Author: Copper Insecure Multi-billionaire Place Of Business Not sure if this counts, but it was the off-the-mic transcript of Katie Couric's questions of Kaayva:
“I didn’t say I didn't plagiarize, Katie.”
“When?” asked Katie.
“When what, Katie?”
“Now you’re asking me questions again.”
“I’m sorry, Katie. I’m afraid I don’t understand your question.”
“When didn’t you say you didn't plagiarize? . . . Now suppose you answer my question.”
“But how can I answer it?”
“That’s another question you’re asking me.”
“ . . . I never said I didn't plagiarize.”
“Now you’re telling us when you did plagiarize. I’m asking you to tell us when you didn’t say it.”
Kaavya took a deep breath. “I always didn’t say I didn't plagiarize.” |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 2:30 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend bump (no italics) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700516) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 2:39 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction KAAVYA (hugging Megan McCafferty's "Sloppy Firsts" to her chest): I wish I knew how to quit you. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700546) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:01 PM Author: exciting principal's office prole and no I said no I will no (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700638) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:08 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend c'mon now. http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698210 |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:08 PM Author: exciting principal's office prole Sorry, didn't read the thread first. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700675) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:13 PM Author: irate stirring tanning salon fortuitous meteor It was the best of times. It was the worst of times, because my Range Rover had a flat tire. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:47 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook underappreciated. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700977) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:16 PM Author: startled indian lodge bbw Like so many Indian Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in 170 specialty shops. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700698) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:20 PM Author: Big Filthy Sneaky Criminal Harvard, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Har-vard: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of two steps down the palate to tap, at two, on the teeth. Har. Vard.
I was Opal, plain Opal, in the morning, standing five feet three in one Manolo strappy sandal. I was Opal in Prada slacks. I was Opal at the West Bergen Magnet School. I was Opal on the dotted line of my SAT II Bio exam. But in my arms it was always Harvard.
Did Harvard have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Harvard at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial boy-child at CTY camp. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before my desire to attend Harvard was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a plagiarizer for a fancy prose style.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the xoxo posters, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged posters who didn’t get into HYP, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.
I was born in 1987, in Paramus. My father was an ungentle, uptight neurologist, a monolith of racial purity: an Indian expat, of total upper-caste descent, with a dash of the maharajahs in his veins. I am going to pass around in a minute some lovely, glossy-blue pictures of his 560 SEL. He owned a luxurious Toll Brothers McMansion in a cul-de sac. His father and two grandfathers had sold abortions, tea, and concubines, respectively. At fifteen he married another Indian girl (age six), daughter of Rajiv Matarabata, the gastroenterologist, and granddaughter of two Rajasthani aristocrats, experts in obscure subjects--sanitation and egalitarianism, respectively. My very photogenic mother died in a freak accident (Pakistani, pork sausage) when I was three. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:55 PM Author: exhilarant theater stage I was waiting to see that in this thread. Nice. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701018) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:09 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction "My very photogenic mother died in a freak accident (Pakistani, pork sausage) when I was three."
175
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:48 AM Author: glittery mauve idea he suggested plaza very well done, plus I appreciated the CTY reference. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704049) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:55 AM Author: Razzle incel a third LOL?? jeez im getting of this thread befor they kick me out of the library. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712537) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:29 PM Author: exciting principal's office prole Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Gucci and Versace of a personal Vishu quaquaquaqua with white tusks quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Harvard of Gucci and Versace it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of desi that as a result of the labors unfinished of Gucci and Versace it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Rushdie and McCafferty it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Gucci and Versace left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Gucci and Versace that desi at Harvard that desi in short that desi in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicillin and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell fades away I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Larry Summers being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Jersey in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull fading fading fading and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labors abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Gucci, range rover . . . Harvard . . . so calm . . . Versace . . . unfinished . . . (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700737) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:35 PM Author: Laughsome parlour wtf? This sounds exactly like it was written by a schizoid. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700754) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:41 AM Author: azure chapel It was. It's a speech in Waiting for Godot. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704019) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:47 AM Author: dashing vermilion chad factory reset button You mean a schizophrenic. A schizoid is different. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704047) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:21 AM Author: Laughsome parlour What's the difference? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705044) |
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Date: May 17th, 2006 3:01 AM Author: Lavender cracking mad cow disease box office shizoid personality is more common and less severe (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5799971) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:50 AM Author: glittery mauve idea he suggested plaza these keep getting better. I enjoyed this but tremble at the thought of you having to type the whole thing out. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704057) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:33 PM Author: Laughsome parlour I <3 this thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700746) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:47 PM Author: Pearl Multi-colored Dog Poop Property From the towns of New Jersey to Cambridge of Massachusetts Bay a curtain of iron has descended across New England. Behind that line lie all the capital of the ancient fathers of students their daughters. Prada, Vuitton, Burberry, Armani, Dior, Coach, Landrover and Chanel; all these famous brands and their buyers around them lie in what I must call the fashion sphere, and all are subject, in one form or another, not only to fashion influence but to a very high and in some cases increasing measure of control from their daughters. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700790) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:56 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Uttered by Kaavya Viswinstonathan. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700814) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 3:56 PM Author: Supple smoky station `Where's the Mr. Arable, the PE teacher, going with that axe?' said Opal to her friend Jayashri as they were sitting in AP biology class.
`Out to the juniors’ study hall,' replied Jayashri. `The SATs were posted last night.'
`I don't see why he needs an axe,' continued Opal, who was only eighteen.
`Well, said Jayashri, `one of the students is a runt. Her SATs are very small and weak, and she will never even apply to an Ivy. So the college counselors decided to do away with her.'
`Do away with her?' shrieked Opal. `You mean kill her? Just because she’s dumber than the others?'
Jayashri put a pitcher of hydrochloric acid on the table. `Don't yell, Opal!' she said. `The counselors are right. The runt shops at Target and her SATs drag down the school medians.'
Opal pushed a chair out of the way, and ran outdoors. The grass was wet and the earth smelled of springtime. Opal's sneakers were sopping by the time she caught up with Mr. Arable.
`Please don't kill her!' she sobbed. `It's unfair.' Mr. Arable stopped walking.
`Opal,' he said gently, `you will have to learn to control yourself.'
`Control myself?' yelled Opal. `This is a matter of life and death, and you talk about controlling myself.' Tears ran down her cheeks and she took hold of the axe and tried to pull it out of his hand.
`Opal,' said Mr Arable, 'We know more about raising a litter of students than you do. A weakling makes trouble. They apply to state schools! They drive Chevy's! Now run along!'
`But it's unfair,' cried Opal. `The runt couldn't help being born stupid, could she? If I had seemed stupid at birth, would you have killed me?'
Mr Arable smiled. `Certainly not,' he said, looking down at the student with fondness. `But this is different. A little girl is one thing, a mediocre SAT scorer is another.'
`I see no difference,' replied Opal, still hanging on to the axe. `This is the most terrible case of injustice I ever heard of.'
A queer look came over Mr. Arable's face. He seemed almost ready to cry himself.
`All right,' he said. `You go back to AP bio and I will bring the runt when I come in. I'll let you tutor her, like a grade schooler. Then you'll see what trouble a runt can be.'
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:03 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Wow, excellent. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700830) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:28 PM Author: Supple smoky station Grazie. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700908) |
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Date: May 6th, 2006 1:00 PM Author: appetizing wrinkle address very nice
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:10 PM Author: Pearl Multi-colored Dog Poop Property Once again she lunged forward, feinting, and then slashing in a deadly downward arc with her purse. It struck home, cutting the old man cleanly in half. There was a brief flash as the teacher's sportscoat fluttered to the floor in two neat sections. But the teacher was not in it. Wary of some trick, Opal poked at the empty sportscoat sections with her purse. There was no sign of the old man. He had vanished as though he had never existed.
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:15 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Is this Star Wars? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701126) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:58 PM Author: Pearl Multi-colored Dog Poop Property SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE ON PAGE 606. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701346) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:01 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend If that's the case, I think I have J.K. Rowling bang to rights on a plagiarism case of her own. Darth Vader cuts down Obi-Wan and then examines the clothes, right? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701357) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:05 AM Author: chartreuse nursing home tattoo Breaking news: xoxo'er wtfpwns JKRowling. Maybe she internalized star wars... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705585) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:13 PM Author: Laughsome parlour 625. Ode on a Range Rover
Opal Mehta, THOU still unravish'd bride of popularity, Thou foster-child of Gucci and Prada, Brainy historian, who canst thus express A flowery tale more sweetly than our plagiarized rhyme: What lipstick-fringed legend haunts about thy shape Of cheerleaders or nerds, or of both, In Harvard or the dales of New Jersey? What namebrand and designers are these? What maidens loth? What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape? What grommets and timbrels? What wild ecstasy? 10
Original melodies are sweet, but those copied Are sweeter; therefore, McCafferty, play on; Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd, Pipe to the spirit ditties of Manolo and Prada: Fair youths, beneath the first tier, thou canst not leave Thy college, nor ever they ever reach Harvard; Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss Opal Mehta, -Though your eyes are almost black, do not grieve; She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss, For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!
O Attic book! When old age shall this generation waste, Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st, 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:20 PM Author: turquoise trailer park The sky above Jersey was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700877) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:30 PM Author: abusive shivering theatre A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown, Opal had to take a piss. As she entered the john a big beautiful all-american football hero type, about twenty-five, came out of one of the booths. She stood at the sink looking at him out of the corner of her eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at her. He was married -- and in any case she wasn't sure what he was doing in the women's restroom . As soon as he left she darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. Opal found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured. The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist. Opal knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if she should obey the impulse building up inside her. She'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself. Of course Opal had mastrubatory fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but she had never done it. Now, here she was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd she'd ever feasted her eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one Opal knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud. Why not? Opal plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. She lifted it to her nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract? She gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. Opal has found since then that shit nearly almost does. She hesitated no longer. Opal shoved the fucking thing as far into her mouth as she could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, rubbing her clit like a madman. She wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding her mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. Much to Opal's delight she found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As she chewed she discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something she soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. Opal ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down her throat. Her only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss. Opal soon reached a terrific climax. Opal caught her vaginal juices in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down...there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of pussy juice mixed with the rich bitterness of shit. Afterwards Opal was sorry that she hadn't made it last longer. But then she realized that she still had a lot of fun in store. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. Opal tenderly fished them out, rolled them in toilet paper, and stashed them in her purse. In the week to come she found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom. Opal stored the turds in the refrigerator when she was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one she held in her mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. Opal had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. She must have had six orgasms in the process. To this day, Opal often thinks of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.
EDIT: Didn't see this above... |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:50 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook I love the smell of Dior in the morning. It smells like....victory. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700993) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:44 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705841) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:59 PM Author: Canary heady abode So we drove on, Range Rovers against the traffic, borne back ceaselessly into the past. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701039) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:41 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook Cameras to the right of them, cameras to the left of them, cameras in front of them. Into Pioneer Valley drove the Range Rover. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701258) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:04 AM Author: glittery mauve idea he suggested plaza "I've got a man in Bergen County who buys me Prada slacks. He sends over a selection of things at the beginning of each season, spring and fall."
The Dean of Harvard Admissions took out a pile of slacks and began throwing them one by one before us, slacks of sheer linen and thick silk and fine flannel which lost their folds as they fell and covered the table in many-colored disarray. While we admired he brought more and the soft rich heap mounted higher - slacks with stripes and scrolls and plaids in coral and apple green and lavendar and faint orange with monograms of Indian blue. Suddenly with a strained sound Opal bent her head into the slacks and began to cry stormily.
"They're such beautiful slacks," she sobbed, her voice muffled in the thick folds. "It makes me sad because I've never seen such - such beautiful slacks before." |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:08 PM Author: exciting principal's office prole The world was all before Opal, where to choose Her place to drive, a Range Rover her guide: She foot to gas with wand'ring stops and slow To Harvard took her solitary way. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:40 PM Author: adventurous rehab therapy this thread is excellent. and should be published in tomorrow's new york times. the most marketable comedy the board has produced... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701248) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:52 PM Author: exciting principal's office prole It deserves "classic" status, by far the best we've produced from this whole controversy. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701321) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:43 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend It is emphatically the province and duty of five department stores to say what the new hot spring fashion is. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701270) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:17 PM Author: idiotic comical gaping stage under-rated (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701671) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:50 PM Author: Cordovan hot home You read me long ago Internalized, you surmise You say, "I wrote this book!" But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me You really plagiarized Why don't you just come out once And scream it? |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:06 PM Author: Copper Insecure Multi-billionaire Place Of Business Nice Dylan use. I think this is also somewhat fitting: Once upon a time, you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime, in your prime; then you... People called, said beware doll you're bound to fall You thought they were all, kiddin' you! |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:54 PM Author: Orchid casino circlehead Huffy Kaavya hid the day, unappeasable Kaavya sulked. I see her point,—a trying to put things over. It was the thought that they thought they could do it made Kaavya wicked & away. But she should't have internalized.
All the world like a woolen lover once did seem on Kaavya's side. Then came a departure. Thereafter nothing fell out as it might or ought. I don't see how Kaavya, pried open for all the world to see her shameless plagiarism, survived.
What she has now to say is a long wonder the world can bear & be. Once in a sycamore Kaavya was glad all at the top, and she sang. Hard on the Land Rover wears the strong sea and empty grows every bed in Kirkland. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:17 PM Author: geriatric set death wish Huffy Kaavya hid the day,
unappeasable Kaavya sulked.
I see her point,—a trying to put things over.
It was the thought that they thought
they could do it made Kaavya wicked & away.
But she should't have internalized.
All the world like a woolen lover
once did seem on Kaavya's side.
Then came a departure.
Thereafter nothing fell out as it might or ought.
I don't see how Kaavya, pried
open for all the world to see her shameless plagiarism, survived.
What she has now to say is a long
wonder the world can bear & be.
Once in a sycamore Kaavya was glad
all at the top, and she sang.
Hard on the Land Rover wears the strong sea
and empty grows every bed in Kirkland. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:10 PM Author: Contagious slate piazza quadroon It's the "Write Like Kaavya Viswanathan" thread!
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:16 PM Author: Dark balding turdskin pozpig edit:hm/ (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701419) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:25 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend THere was a parody thread of subtle genius to this effect yesterday: "It is the "Write Like Kaavya Viswanathan" thread!" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701437) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:41 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film There was also "Knock it off with the Kaavya bashing already." Just a thought. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701517) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:43 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Oh, get the stick out of your ass. It's just a fun exercise in putting non sequiturs into famous writing. Go to the school-related threads only, if you're going to be a party pooper. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701527) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:06 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film No, that thread was an earlier parody using a similar technique:
She has apologized. Accept her apology and move on. She has so much more to offer, if only we, as a community, stop holding her to ever arbitrary standards of excellence. Nobody's perfect. As it goes, Kaavya is about as close as they get. Far better that we encourage her talent than torment her more than the Promethean impulse which already beckons to her artistic spirit. There is no creature more sensitive than the artist--sensitive to the joys of life, as some have spitefully argued, yes--but sensitive also to its sorrows. Must we drive her to madness, to shame, to degradation, to despair, to ruin, to damnation, to suicide, and to ridicule before we are satisfied? Is it not enough that she is human for us to love her? If you prick her, does she not bleed? If you tickle her, does she not laugh? If you poison her, does she not die? And if you wrong her, shall she not revenge?
In summary, I should like to give utterance to these prophetic and entirely original words:
I see the Crimson, and the Times, the Post, the Independent, the Tribune, and xoxohth, long ranks of renewed oppressors who have risen on the destruction of this tender flower, perishing by this same retributive instrument, before it shall cease out of its current use. I see a beautiful woman and brilliant novelist rising from this woeful wasteland, and in her struggle to be truly successful, in her triumphs and defeats, though long long to come, I see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the inevitable birth, eventually making expiation for itself and wearing out.
I see the literary genius for whom McCafferty lays down her copyright, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy, in that New Jersey which she shall see no more. I see Kaavya with a second book upon her bosom, which bears her name. I see her father, worn and tired, but otherwise restored, and faithful to all humanity in his healing office, and at repose. I see the good old counselor, so long their friend, in ten months' time enriching them with all she has, and passing tranquilly to an office
I see that 170 specialty shops hold sanctuary in her heart, and in the hearts of her customers, weekends hence. I see her, an old woman, weeping for joy on the anniversary of this day. I see her and her agent, their course done, lying side by side in their last earthly bed, and I know that each was not more honored and held sacred in the other's soul, than that half million dollar advance was in the souls of both.
I see that book which lay upon her bosom and which bore her name, published, winning its way up in that path of life which once was McCafferty's. I see it winning so well, that its name is made illustrious there by light of sales. I see the blots McCafferty threw upon it, faded away. I see it, foremost of chick-lit and bestsellers, bearing itself with a paperback that I know and golden letters, to this place--then lovely to look upon, with a trace of this day's disfigurement--and I hear her reading McCafferty's story, with a tender and a faltering voice.
It is a far, far better thing she does, than anything we might have done; it is far, far better rest this oopsie goes to than any Kaavya has ever known.
http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=405349&forum_id=2#5647319 |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:31 PM Author: Supple smoky station "I am an invisible woman. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Bollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a woman of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because adcoms refuse to see me." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701468) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:34 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Aujourd'hui, mon livre est mort. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas. J'ai reçu un télégramme de la maison d'édition: "Livre retiré. Conférence de presse demain. Sentiments distingués." Cela ne veut rien dire. C'était peut-être hier. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701489) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:38 PM Author: Supple smoky station Tres magnifique!
Cent soixante-dix quatre. |
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Date: October 9th, 2007 6:50 AM Author: Glassy Vibrant Messiness Pit Since this thread has been bumped anyway:
Cent soixante-quatorze. |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:38 PM Author: abusive shivering theatre Franklin Lakes hermit heiress still lives through winter in her Prada boots; her Range Rover still drives along the sea. Her mother's a doctor. Her father is first selectman in his village; she's in her dotage.
Thirsting for the literary prestige of Queen Victoria's century, she buys up all the chick lit novels, and lets them internalize.
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:46 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend that last line is great. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701539) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:39 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film It was a dark and stormy night; the Harvard rejections fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a fortuitous book deal which swept an admissions packet up the streets (for it is in New Jersey that our scene lies), whence the proud Indian parents rattled along the rooftops, and fiercely agitated scanty Alloy Entertainment ghostwriters to struggle against the pwnage. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701505) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:51 PM Author: idiotic comical gaping stage If comedy is an unbroken series of successful posts, then there is something gorgeous about this thread, some heightened sensitivity to the patheticness of life...it was an extraordinary gift for literary talent, a flexibility such as I have never found in any other internet forum and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. No — XOXO turned out all right at the end; it is what preyed on XOXO, what racist trolls floated in the wake of its dreams that temporarily closed out my interest in the abortive sorrows and short-winded elations of HLS students. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701552) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:01 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701586) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:12 PM Author: Swollen dragon institution this is nicely done. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701638) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:21 AM Author: boyish impressive police squad kitty cat 180 x 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704198) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:08 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe Solid gold. 180. This is so fucking good. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705604) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 8:55 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency what is this from? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712452) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 10:02 AM Author: Razzle incel i believe it is also from gatsby ( the give away line : No XOXO turend out allright in the end) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712556) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 10:12 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe i gotta give this another 180. i keep rereading it and it doesn't get old (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712596) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:59 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film To plagiarize or not to plagiarize, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler on the resume to suffer The slings and pointy sticks of outrageous pwnage, Or to sneak past a sea of sniffing Zhous, And by opposing end them? To pay: to package; For writing; and by a quickie to say we conclude The Katie Couric interviews and the thousand natural shocks That chick-lit deserves, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To read, to re-read; To steal: perchance to internalize: ay, there's the excuse; For in that sleep of internalizations what phrases may come When we have shuffled off this paperback garbage, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so screwed a life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of the Crimson, The oppressor's wrong, the proud 174's contumely, The pangs of lost contracts, the Range Rover's delay, The insolence of Cinnabon and the spurns That patient Harvard of the unworthy takes, When I might obtain another half-million advance With a bare literary theft? who would i-bankers bear To grunt and sweat under a weary writing, But that the hope of another book packaging company, The undiscover'd company from whose womb No manuscript returns aright, puzzles creativity And makes us rather bear those cheats we have Than fly to arts that we know not of? Thus contracts do make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of original thought Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of McCafferty, And enterprises of great application prestige With this regard their plagiarisms turn awry, And destroy my name forever.--Hush you now! The dark Opal! Nymph, in thy 170 specialty shops Be all my random shoulder taps remember'd.
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:59 PM Author: Swollen dragon institution The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of Harvard, bearing us down the Times bestseller list with twice the speed of our upward progress; and Kaavya's professional life was running swiftly, too, ebbing, ebbing out of her heart into the sea of inexorable plagiarism…
Kaavya discoursed. A voice! a voice! It screeched to the very last. It survived her strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of her heart. Oh, she struggled! She struggled! The wastes of her weary brain were haunted by shadowy images now--images of wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round her vastly exaggerated gift of noble and lofty expression. My Range Rover, my Harvard acceptance, my Prada, my highlighted copies of The Princess Diaries and Sloppy Firsts-- these were the subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated sentiments. The shade of the original Kaavya frequented the bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried presently in the mould of primeval earth…
Sometimes she was contemptibly childish. She desired to have publishers offer her extravagant advances on her ghastly novel, with which she intended to accomplish great things. “You show them you have in you something that is really profitable, and then there will be no limits to the recognition of your plagiarism,” she would say. “Of course you must take care of the motives-- right motives--always…”
One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear her say a little tremulously, “I wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty's words." The light was within a foot of her eyes. I forced myself to murmur, “Oh, nonsense!” and stood over her as if transfixed.
Anything approaching the change that came over her features I have never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that mocha face the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror--of an intense and hopeless despair. Did she live her life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? She cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision--she cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath:
"The handbags! The handbags!”
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:08 PM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Mista Summers, he dead. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701621) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:14 PM Author: Histrionic kitchen indirect expression You claim to be a player, but I fucked your spouse. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701650) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:14 PM Author: coral anal nowag toilet seat It was four a.m and I was shaking cold blue come-down shivers from all the adderal I got from that madman down by the charles--he was calling into the green brown shit water of 600,000--gone gone gone--and here I was stepping off the green line and seeing a wild crowd around a crosslegged bodhi man shinging out notes on a sitar--shing zin din and so on into the night and the crowd was saying GO GO GO (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701651) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:15 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film I'm Rich Bitch! Who are you? Are you a--Rich Bitch--Too? Then there's a pair of us! Do tell! Must advertise--you know!
How dreary--to be--Talented! How public--like a State School-- To apply on merits--the bourgeois tune-- And be rejected all the same!
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:21 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film As Kaavya Viswanathan awoke one morning from rose-petaled dreams she found herself transformed by the Crimson into a lying, pathetic plagiarist. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:21 PM Author: abusive shivering theatre Neither a borrower nor a lender be: for loan oft loses both itself and friend; and borrowing dulls the outcome of your book deal. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701693) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:26 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film All chick-lit books are alike; each Cinnabon is a Mrs. Fields in its own way. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701719) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:26 PM Author: abusive shivering theatre I consider that a woman's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and she has to stock it with such furniture as she chooses. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that she comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to her gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that she has a difficulty in laying her hands upon it. Now the skilful author is very careful indeed as to what she takes into her brain-attic. She will have nothing but the requisite chick-lit which may help her in doing her work, but of these she has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it - there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless information, like common standards governing plagerism, elbowing out the useful ones. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701723) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:28 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film 176 because I'm a Holmes fan. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701737) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:26 PM Author: hairraiser church building headpube "Letter from a Camden Jail"
We have waited for more than a few years for our constitutional and God-given rights. The nations of India and America are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we stiff creep at horse-and-buggy pace toward gaining a cup of Mocha Laté at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging dark of a Harvard rejection letter to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious admissions panels reject your mothers and fathers at will and drown the hopes of your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled ad-coms curse, kick and even kill your friends' deepest hopes and dreams; when you see the vast majority of your Indian brothers smothering in an airtight cage of affluence in the midst of an impoverished society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she can't grow up to be a Harvard student, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that the Crimson is closed to Indian children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward Ivy Leaguers; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do Harvard people treat Indian people so mean?"; when you take a cross-county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your Range Rover because, well, you can; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "DING!" and "PWNED!"; when your first name becomes "Apu," your middle name becomes "Signathanawanasthan" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "Abe-Abede-Abedenivanthainesen," and your husband is never given the respected title "Mr. Husband-of-Harvard-grad"; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are an Indian, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you no forever fighting a degenerating sense of "Harvard rejectedness" then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance, with Green Chi Tea, runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand my legitimate and unavoidable impatience in response to my admissions application |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:27 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film E = MC^HARVARD (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701726) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:38 PM Author: Embarrassed To The Bone Church To which Opal replied, "Give me liberty or give me a land rover." She continued, "I do not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death my right to plagiarize." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701788) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 7:39 PM Author: hairraiser church building headpube I laughed. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701796) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 8:24 PM Author: marvelous fighting field puppy Maa died today. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702014) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:01 PM Author: Garnet roast beef national it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702235) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:07 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend you stupid monkey. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702612) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:16 AM Author: lemon thriller gas station this was the first (and only) thing that came to my mind (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712471) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:03 PM Author: Garnet roast beef national "oh opal," trevor said, "we could have made it in an LTR."
"isn't it pretty to believe so," opal replied., |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 9:42 PM Author: Embarrassed To The Bone Church Kaavya: "Ask not what I can do for literature, but what plagiarism can do for me." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702449) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:06 PM Author: electric startling queen of the night It was a pleasure to plagirize. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702610) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:14 PM Author: Submissive Location Mexican This case is about a book which a large part of the country does not find entertaining. If it were a question whether I consciously plagiarized the book, readers should study it further and long before making up their minds. But I do not conceive that to be their duty, because I strongly believe that my unconscious copying has nothing to do with my right to use McCafferty's words. It is settled that I have used her words in a way that others might think of as injudicious, or if you like as ridiculous . . . However, I think that the word "plagiarism" is perverted when it is held to prevent my natural act of admiration for McCafferty. It does not need research to show that I deserve no sweeping condemnation. A reasonable publishing house might think it proper to give me $500,000 for what I did. Men whom I certainly could not pronounce unreasonable would uphold Opal Mehta as a first instalment of a general series of plagiarized works. Whether this is wrong I think it unnecessary to discuss. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702641) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:57 PM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook Only rarely are Plagiarism and Consumer Goods approached from a unified perspective. Recent writings by insipid consumerists concerned with Range Rovers and by Range Rovers concerned with insipid consumerism suggest, however, that an attempt at integrating the various relationships treated by these subjects would be useful both for the beginning Harvard student and the sophisticated plagiarist. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702902) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 11:28 PM Author: Laughsome parlour My life has for several weeks been a theatre of calamity. I have been a mark for the vigilance of the media, particularly Havard's cruel and relentless periodical The Crimson, and I could not escape. My fairest prospects have been blasted. Those who believe that I deliberately "borrowed" have shown themselves inaccessible to entreaties, and untired in persecution. My fame, as well as my happiness, has become the victim of the Crimson and the cruel ridicule of XOXO. Every one, as far as my story has been known, has refused to assist me in my distress, and has execrated my name as well as the name of my beloved character Opal Mehta. I have not deserved this treatment, particularly from Katie Couric. My own conscience witnesses in behalf of that innocence, my pretensions to which are regarded in the world as incredible. There is now, however, little hope that I shall escape from the criticism that universally besets me. I am incited to the penning of these memoirs only by a desire to divert my mind from the deplorableness of my situation now that I can no longer afford either a Range Rover or even a Chanel bag, and a faint idea that through a careful and objective reading of the original thoughts therein, posterity may be induced to render me a justice which my contemporaries refuse. My story will, at least, appear to have that consistency which is seldom attendant but upon truth.
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 12:00 AM Author: Lime Sticky Parlor Becky So when I, in 2003, decided to apply to Harvard, I decided to clean the decks and to put everything in chick lit. I paid IvyWise $30,000--that is all I owned. I sold my Range Rover for $20,000--I am using rough figures here. And I had $500,000 coming to me from Little, Brown and Co.
And so, that is where the money came from. Let me just say this, and I want to say this to the xoxohth audience: I made my mistakes, but in all of my years of plagiarizing, I have never profited, never profited from plagiarism--I have earned every cent. And in all of my years of plagiarizing, I have never plagiarized Salman Rushdie. And I think, too, that I could say that in my years of plagiarizing, that I welcome this kind of examination, because people have got to know whether or not their latest chick lit sensation is a crook. Well, I am not a crook. I have earned everything I have got. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 12:17 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend One other thing I probably should tell you, because if I don't they'll probably be saying this about me, too. I did get something, a gift, after the acceptance to Harvard. A publisher in New York heard an IvyWise counselor mention the fact that our youngster would like to have a book deal. And believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore, saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was? It was a $500,000 advance, in a crate that they had sent all the way from New York, little and brown , spotted, and our little girl Kaavya, the 17 year old, named it Cashiers Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the $500,000, and I just want to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5703459) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:10 AM Author: Yapping Bawdyhouse Here is the anlage of the thing you fear. This is the zygote. For here “I plagiarized” is changed; a cell is split and from its splitting grows the thing you hate- “We plagiarized.” The danger is here, for two men are not as lonely and perplexed as one. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5703790) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:36 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend I don't think Nixon said this one. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5703974) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:29 AM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook You won't have Viswanathan to kick around anymore, because gentlemen, this is my last press conference. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704248) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:46 AM Author: deranged base reading party 180. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704041) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:07 AM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook omg....i shat. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704142) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:17 AM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend I'm very pleased with my Little, Brown joke. Go me. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704184) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:20 AM Author: vivacious mischievous travel guidebook the cashiers checkers made me cry. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704193) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:41 AM Author: bright flirting garrison selfie holy shit (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705094) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:46 AM Author: abusive shivering theatre This is so hot right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705108) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:14 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe A++ (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705632) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 8:57 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency 180,000,000,000 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712458) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:39 AM Author: deranged base reading party In our family, there was no clear line between religion and prestige-whoredom. We lived at the junction of two great freeways in northern New Jersey and our father was a Hindu and a prestige-whore who created his own designer handbags and taught others. He told us about Vishnu's disciples being prestige-whores, and we were left to assume, as Opal and I did, that all first-class students on the Jersey Shore were prestige-whores too, and that Kaavya, the favorite, drove a Range Rover. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5703994) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:44 AM Author: deranged base reading party I celebrate myself, and write myself And what I assume you shall assume For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to Harvard
I loafe and invite my soul I lean and loafe at my ease observing a passing Range Rover
My application, every atom of my blood, form'd from this Prada, this Gucci Born here of parents from India, and their parents the same, I, now 18 years old in perfect health being, Hoping to get into Harvard |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:58 AM Author: Provocative University A Desi can stand up. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704097) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:01 AM Author: cruel-hearted mental disorder Sing to me of the woman, Muse, the woman of twists and turns, driven time and again off course, once she had plundered the harrowing depths of chick-lit trash. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704113) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:06 AM Author: Ungodly people who are hurt jap My mother is a Range Rover. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704138) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 2:54 AM Author: Crusty friendly grandma lettuce If there is hope for me to sell copies of my book without the plagiarism being discovered, it must lie in the proles, because only there in those swarming disregarded masses, 85 percent of the population of America, could people read my book and not notice the blatant plagiarism. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 3:12 AM Author: Sadistic temple "All chicklit is of one author, and is one volume; when novel drops off the bestseller list, one chapter can just be torn out of the book, and translated into a newer novel; and every chapter must be so translated... No piece of literature is an island, entire of itself...any originality diminishes me, because I am involved in CHICKLIT AUTHORSHIP; and therefore never ask to whom the $500,000 advance was sent; it was sent to me." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704468) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:43 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife history hitherto is a story of class struggles; serf against lord, slave versus master, proletariat against bourgeoisie, and of course, original authors versus Kaavya. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704758) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:48 AM Author: Mewling foreskin senate "All Desi are equal but some Desi are more equal than others."
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:54 AM Author: Mewling foreskin senate "I like them to talk nonsense. That's my one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to the truth! I am a woman because I err! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred and fourteen." (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704781) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:55 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife i plagarize, therefore i am (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704784) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:57 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife and opal raised her hands and the red sea parted. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704790) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:57 AM Author: galvanic dilemma water buffalo As Opal Mehta woke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a giant bug. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704791) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:11 AM Author: Mewling foreskin senate I like the "monstrous vermin" translation better. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704817) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:02 AM Author: swashbuckling coiffed area knife and then he cried up to the tower, "opal, opal, let down your hair" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704800) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 7:41 AM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film We, the Publishers of Little, Brown, in Order to form a more perfect Contract, establish Resumes, insure admissions Selectivity, provide for the common desi, promote Kaavya's Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Harvard to Viswanathan and her Posterity, do ordain and establish this Plagiarism for the Chick-Lit Genre. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704967) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 7:55 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704981) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:15 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe i laughed (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705640) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 7:49 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704976) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 8:22 AM Author: mind-boggling unhinged business firm Harvard shall make no law respecting an establishment of plagiarism, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of cheating, or of Kaavya; or the right of the students to rip Kaavya, and to petition the Administration to not expell for fraud. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705000) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:31 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Nice last line. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705069) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:38 AM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film I laughed. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705088) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:29 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction I did not plagiarize that woman, Miss McCafferty. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705062) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:47 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705865) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:33 AM Author: Vigorous charcoal alpha This whole thread gets an A+ and a helmet sticker. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705073) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:34 AM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film I see your purse flash, Viswanathan so sweet Down where Range Rovers cross a New Jersey Street She's a prepped girl, she's paying ridiculous fee Turning tricks for Cohen who don’t do nothing for free
Desi girl What you wanting with the Harvard world Desi girl Crimson shamed you to the chick-lit world Your plagiarism scam pissed the Random boss Little, Brown want to save you but the cause is lost Desi girl, Desi girl, Desi girl Tell me what you wanting with the Harvard world
She's dumb as bricks but she a rich girl for hire And her stolen prose reads like a well worn tire You see Katie Couric scratch her down just like a rake She one more gone, she one more FOB who make the mistake
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:55 AM Author: Brass twinkling uncleanness karate FROM: OPAL MEHTA
LITTLE BROWN LAW FIRM ATTORNEYS/LEGAL PRACTITIONERS. NIGERIA.
ATTENTION:
DEAER FRIEND,
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. GRACE AND PEACE AND LOVE FROM THIS PART OF THE ATLANTIC TO YOU. I HOPE MY LETTER DOES NOT CAUSE YOU TOO MUCH EBARRASSMENT.AS I WRITE TO YOU IN GOOD FAITH Y. PLEASE EXCUSE MY INTRUSION INTO YOUR PRIVATE LIFE.
I AM OPAL MEHTA,I REPRESENT KAAVYA VISWANATHAN, FORMERLY OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY. SHE HAS ASKED ME TO SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER WHO CAN WORK WITH US AS TO MOVE OUT THE TOTAL SUM OF US$500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS), PRESENTLY IN THEIR POSSESSION. THIS MONEY WAS OF COURSE, ACQUIRED BY MS. VISWANATHAN AND IS NOW KEPT SECRETLY IN A RANGE ROVER.... |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:36 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction Holy shit, 1-fucking-80. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705395) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:16 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe 180 180 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705647) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:49 AM Author: primrose cumskin antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705874) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 12:46 PM Author: idiotic comical gaping stage excellent (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5706267) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:06 AM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film There are so many talented parody artists competing for recognition in this thread that I feel overwhelmed. Could someone please write a funny post and then pay me a half million dollars while I internalize it? I'm just an Indian-American girl from New Jersey who got good grades.
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:11 AM Author: Laughsome parlour Ours is essentially a materialistic age, so we refuse to take it without a hearty stock of Prada, Chanel, and Gucci. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new wardrobes, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles in our Range Rovers. We've got to get into Harvard, no matter how many skies have fallen.
This was more or less Opal Mehta's position. The interview with Harvard had brought the roof down over her head. And she had realized that one must live and learn and kiss boys. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:13 AM Author: Swollen dragon institution tasteful. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705624) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:18 AM Author: Laughsome parlour why, thank you. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705657) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:24 AM Author: disrespectful meetinghouse With that warning she sped her Range Rover back to Paramus and reached her house in no time Opal shouted out commands to all her desi friends: "Stow our handbags, girls, deep in the trunk and hop in at once--we must be on our way!"
Her desi friends snapped to orders, hopped in and sat by order of SAT score in ranks. But just as Opal prepared to drive, praying, sacrificing to Harvard by the trunk, a man came from a far-off state came toward her now, a fugitive out of Philadelphia: he was from Penn... He was an admissions officer, sprung of the Ivy League line...
This admissions officer it was--Willis Stetson his name-- who approached Opal now and found her pouring wine to Harvard and saying prayers beside her Range Rover. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:33 AM Author: Domesticated dysfunction There was an Indian girl went forth every day; And the first words she look’d upon, those words became hers... |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:05 AM Author: sickened 180 den toaster just to take it to the next level, i was incredibly tempted to copy and paste this entire thread into my post box, but let's not and pretend i did so I don't double the size of this hugeass thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705587) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 3:56 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film Subject: PWN3D! I'm going to plagiarize your idea, or at least as much of your idea as will fit in this reply box:
\
The most prestigious law school admissions discussion board in the world.
It's the "Write Like Kaavya Viswanathan" thread!
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times, because... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/01/06 A spectre is haunting Harvard Yard -- the spectre of plagiar... lonestar 05/02/06 The Desis have nothing to lose but their movie options. They... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 and therein lies the struggle--more passages are written tha... Percy 05/03/06 You had me at 'hello opal'. Stttupendous 05/03/06 Bill McHenry is a 26-year old white male with a stocky build... Percy 05/03/06 i don't know whether it's sad or sweet but i was going to do... Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 And I was going to do a Milo Minderbinder thing. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 What's good for Kaavya is good for America! Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 four score and seven years ago opal had a plan to get into h... Percy 05/03/06 "Your mouth is open," Lex said. Tim said, "I know him." ... andrew@dukepont 05/01/06 Call me Ishmopal. Gogol Ganguly 05/01/06 Call me Opal Mehta. Some years ago- never mind how long pre... Bon darzini 05/01/06 And her father said unto Opal, Therefore whosoever shoppeth ... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/01/06 171 andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 174 for the inclusion of "Babaganoush." I_Love_Kittens 05/02/06 You don't watch 3 hours of MXC without learning a thing or t... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 Quoth the raven: "LOL, plagiarism" I_Love_Kittens 05/01/06 175 Bon darzini 05/01/06 nevermore? procrastinAsian 05/02/06 it was the best of times, *and* the worst of times Strom Thurmond 05/01/06 A screaming comes across the Jersey sky. It has happened bef... Bon darzini 05/01/06 One Fish Two Fish Scarlet Fish Indigo Fish Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 Underappreciated. Scout Finch 05/02/06 Ridin Spinners please nods 05/02/06 Friends, New Jerseyans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I co... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 I was trying to think of some good Shakespeare to use. I may... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 I'll admit, mine was pretty shitty. andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 I don't know, I thought it had some wit to it. Nicholas D. Wolfwood 05/02/06 ... nods 05/02/06 How did it happen that making the tired claim that this ghet... 3\/1|_ \/1R 05/02/06 A slightly different take, but I like it. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 ty 3\/1|_ \/1R 05/02/06 lol whokebe 05/02/06 I saw the mediocre minds of my generation destroyed by weakn... prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 Shit! What is that? My lit prof would be smacking me right n... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 Allen Ginsberg jellybean 05/02/06 I thought so. andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 Squire Srinivasan, Dr. Patel, and the rest of these gentleme... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 hahaha... I actually just read Treasure Island out of boredo... JasonWK 05/02/06 What my folks will find after work is a big naked novel, cur... prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 This is a good one. Jul. Shock. 05/02/06 Gutsy, at least. prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 haha Jul. Shock. 05/02/06 guts by chuck pahalaniuk? The Ghost of Adolf Hitler 05/02/06 Yep prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 good fucking call dude. one of the most disgusting, yet bri... The Ghost of Adolf Hitler 05/02/06 That story sucks. JasonWK 05/02/06 False. HomerJSimpson 05/03/06 False. JasonWK 05/03/06 I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 awesome. Nicholas D. Wolfwood 05/02/06 Yes! Yes! (Rodney Dangerfield standing up yelling this in Ba... Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 I heard this letter came into the Indian version of Miss Abb... Sun Chic Needed 05/02/06 What happens to an application deferred? andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 nice Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 The noble David Zhou Hath told you Kaavya was ambitious. ... prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 too easy Sun Chic Needed 05/02/06 See my next. prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 This was out in the Atlantic northeast. I normally don't go ... prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 "They look like white elephants," the admissions consultant ... JasonWK 05/02/06 180 prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 Hills like White Lies? An amazing post. THE EEYORE CONSPIRACY 05/02/06 awesome LawJerk 05/03/06 nice choice wunderBONER 05/03/06 Opal, a young woman with purple eyes, and a shriveled left f... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 you are such an underappreciated poster. maybe it's the m... procrastinAsian 05/02/06 In the room the women come and go, / Talking of Da Vinci. EMoryTRoll (emorytroll@gmail.com) 05/02/06 Genius. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 LOL Evan-2001 05/02/06 Sholden Mehta: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body... The Boondocks 05/02/06 Though I walk through the vally in the shadow of death, I fe... The artist Formerly known as THE GAME 05/02/06 Many years later, as she faced the Dean of Student Affairs, ... Evan-2001 05/02/06 awesome THE EEYORE CONSPIRACY 05/02/06 178. franklyn 05/02/06 this gave me tingling down my spine 177 Shrimp Cocktail 05/02/06 179 Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 So, I just got back to the United States today, around 4:00 ... prestigium-317 (pensive) 05/02/06 A few years ago, while browsing around my library downtown, ... Doc Lewis 05/02/06 Underappreciated. Scout Finch 05/02/06 "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see... Evan-2001 05/02/06 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single girl i... Handmaid of Desire 05/02/06 totally expected from a girl. The Ghost of Adolf Hitler 05/02/06 It's the original chick lit. Handmaid of Desire 05/02/06 truf The Ghost of Adolf Hitler 05/02/06 Not sure if this counts, but it was the off-the-mic transcri... bboygunner 05/02/06 bump (no italics) Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 KAAVYA (hugging Megan McCafferty's "Sloppy Firsts" to her ch... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 and no I said no I will no Port Drudgery 05/02/06 c'mon now. http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 Sorry, didn't read the thread first. Port Drudgery 05/02/06 It was the best of times. It was the worst of times, because... sal_galapagos 05/02/06 underappreciated. Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 Like so many Indian Americans, she was trying to construct a... prestigious bitch 05/02/06 Harvard, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul... franklyn 05/02/06 I was waiting to see that in this thread. Nice. jimmycarter76 05/02/06 "My very photogenic mother died in a freak accident (Pakista... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 very well done, plus I appreciated the CTY reference. Nicholas D. Wolfwood 05/03/06 Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of ... Port Drudgery 05/02/06 wtf? This sounds exactly like it was written by a schizoid. Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/02/06 It was. It's a speech in Waiting for Godot. nueveonce 05/03/06 You mean a schizophrenic. A schizoid is different. leaf 05/03/06 What's the difference? Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/03/06 these keep getting better. I enjoyed this but tremble at th... Nicholas D. Wolfwood 05/03/06 I <3 this thread. Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/02/06 From the towns of New Jersey to Cambridge of Massachusetts B... The Spectre of President-Elect George Allen 05/02/06 Uttered by Kaavya Viswinstonathan. andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 `Where's the Mr. Arable, the PE teacher, going with that axe... Fletcher Reede 05/02/06 Wow, excellent. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 Grazie. Fletcher Reede 05/02/06 Once again she lunged forward, feinting, and then slashing i... The Spectre of President-Elect George Allen 05/02/06 Is this Star Wars? Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE ON PAGE 606. The Spectre of President-Elect George Allen 05/02/06 If that's the case, I think I have J.K. Rowling bang to righ... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 Breaking news: xoxo'er wtfpwns JKRowling. Maybe she internal... Herro_Radies 05/03/06 625. Ode on a Range Rover Opal Mehta, THOU still unrav... Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/02/06 The sky above Jersey was the color of television, tuned to a... Spezi 05/02/06 A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown,... Grant Lee Phillips 05/02/06 I love the smell of Dior in the morning. It smells like....v... Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 not bad. 170 Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 So we drove on, Range Rovers against the traffic, borne back... Schwaby 05/02/06 Cameras to the right of them, cameras to the left of them, c... Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 "I've got a man in Bergen County who buys me Prada slacks. ... Nicholas D. Wolfwood 05/03/06 The world was all before Opal, where to choose Her place to... Port Drudgery 05/02/06 this thread is excellent. and should be published in tomorro... needadvice06 05/02/06 It deserves "classic" status, by far the best we've produced... Port Drudgery 05/02/06 It is emphatically the province and duty of five department ... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 under-rated THE EEYORE CONSPIRACY 05/02/06 You read me long ago Internalized, you surmise You say, "I... blue umbrella 05/02/06 Nice Dylan use. I think this is also somewhat fitting: Onc... bboygunner 05/02/06 Huffy Kaavya hid the day, unappeasable Kaavya sulked. I se... C.R.ApturdsC.R.Apturds reborn 05/02/06 Huffy Kaavya hid the day, unappeasable Kaavya sulked. ... sealclubber 05/02/06 It's the "Write Like Kaavya Viswanathan" thread! LeiTTTer the GuvernaTTTor 05/02/06 edit:hm/ procrastinAsian 05/02/06 THere was a parody thread of subtle genius to this effect ye... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 There was also "Knock it off with the Kaavya bashing already... majorporcupine 05/02/06 Oh, get the stick out of your ass. It's just a fun exercise ... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 No, that thread was an earlier parody using a similar techni... majorporcupine 05/02/06 "I am an invisible woman. No, I am not a spook like those wh... Fletcher Reede 05/02/06 Aujourd'hui, mon livre est mort. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sa... andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 Tres magnifique! Cent soixante-dix quatre. Fletcher Reede 05/02/06 Franklin Lakes hermit heiress still lives through winter in... Grant Lee Phillips 05/02/06 that last line is great. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 It was a dark and stormy night; the Harvard rejections fell ... majorporcupine 05/02/06 If comedy is an unbroken series of successful posts, then th... THE EEYORE CONSPIRACY 05/02/06 180 majorporcupine 05/02/06 this is nicely done. Sweep the Leg, Johnny 05/02/06 180 x 180 TTT14 05/03/06 Solid gold. 180. This is so fucking good. LawJerk 05/03/06 To plagiarize or not to plagiarize, that is the question: W... majorporcupine 05/02/06 The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of Harvard, b... Sweep the Leg, Johnny 05/02/06 Mista Summers, he dead. andrew@dukepont 05/02/06 You claim to be a player, but I fucked your spouse. Grate Teacher Onizuka 05/02/06 It was four a.m and I was shaking cold blue come-down shiver... KelVarnsenn 05/02/06 I'm Rich Bitch! Who are you? Are you a--Rich Bitch--Too? ... majorporcupine 05/02/06 As Kaavya Viswanathan awoke one morning from rose-petaled dr... majorporcupine 05/02/06 Neither a borrower nor a lender be: for loan oft loses both ... Grant Lee Phillips 05/02/06 All chick-lit books are alike; each Cinnabon is a Mrs. Field... majorporcupine 05/02/06 I consider that a woman's brain originally is like a little ... Grant Lee Phillips 05/02/06 176 because I'm a Holmes fan. majorporcupine 05/02/06 "Letter from a Camden Jail" We have waited for more than ... EMoryTRoll (emorytroll@gmail.com) 05/02/06 E = MC^HARVARD majorporcupine 05/02/06 To which Opal replied, "Give me liberty or give me a land ro... ghghf 05/02/06 I laughed. EMoryTRoll (emorytroll@gmail.com) 05/02/06 Maa died today. Official 05/02/06 it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times Carla Martin 05/02/06 you stupid monkey. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/02/06 "oh opal," trevor said, "we could have made it in an LTR." ... Carla Martin 05/02/06 Kaavya: "Ask not what I can do for literature, but what plag... ghghf 05/02/06 It was a pleasure to plagirize. Blue Smoke 05/02/06 This case is about a book which a large part of the country ... fifteen 05/02/06 Only rarely are Plagiarism and Consumer Goods approached fro... Major Major Major Major 05/02/06 My life has for several weeks been a theatre of calamity. I ... Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/02/06 So when I, in 2003, decided to apply to Harvard, I decided t... Not A Schtick 05/03/06 One other thing I probably should tell you, because if I don... Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/03/06 Here is the anlage of the thing you fear. This is the zygote... wblur 05/03/06 I don't think Nixon said this one. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/03/06 You won't have Viswanathan to kick around anymore, because g... Major Major Major Major 05/03/06 180. normie 05/03/06 omg....i shat. Major Major Major Major 05/03/06 I'm very pleased with my Little, Brown joke. Go me. Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut 05/03/06 the cashiers checkers made me cry. Major Major Major Major 05/03/06 holy shit Gene Parmesan 05/03/06 This is so hot right now. Grant Lee Phillips 05/03/06 A++ LawJerk 05/03/06 In our family, there was no clear line between religion and ... normie 05/03/06 I celebrate myself, and write myself And what I assume you ... normie 05/03/06 A Desi can stand up. Figure2-2 05/03/06 Sing to me of the woman, Muse, the woman of twists and turns... DDSabaoth 05/03/06 My mother is a Range Rover. derrtyderrty 05/03/06 If there is hope for me to sell copies of my book withou... T. Baggins 05/03/06 "All chicklit is of one author, and is one volume; when nove... jenniferlynn127 05/03/06 history hitherto is a story of class struggles; serf against... Percy 05/03/06 "All Desi are equal but some Desi are more equal than others... Window Licker 05/03/06 "I like them to talk nonsense. That's my one privilege over ... Window Licker 05/03/06 i plagarize, therefore i am Percy 05/03/06 and opal raised her hands and the red sea parted. Percy 05/03/06 As Opal Mehta woke one morning from uneasy dreams she found ... Z, 4, Q, Q, Q, Batman Symbol 05/03/06 I like the "monstrous vermin" translation better. Window Licker 05/03/06 and then he cried up to the tower, "opal, opal, let down you... Percy 05/03/06 We, the Publishers of Little, Brown, in Order to form a more... majorporcupine 05/03/06 178. very nice. Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 i laughed LawJerk 05/03/06 And Opal said unto them: "Any slut who is without sin may ca... Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 Harvard shall make no law respecting an establishment of pla... ProtectiveOrder 05/03/06 Nice last line. andrew@dukepont 05/03/06 I laughed. majorporcupine 05/03/06 I did not plagiarize that woman, Miss McCafferty. andrew@dukepont 05/03/06 180 damn good. Short and sweet. Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 This whole thread gets an A+ and a helmet sticker. HomerJSimpson 05/03/06 I see your purse flash, Viswanathan so sweet Down where Ran... majorporcupine 05/03/06 FROM: OPAL MEHTA LITTLE BROWN LAW FIRM ATTORNEYS/LEGAL P... newsradio 05/03/06 Holy shit, 1-fucking-80. andrew@dukepont 05/03/06 180 180 180 LawJerk 05/03/06 179 -- great with the fucked words. Long_duck_dong 05/03/06 excellent THE EEYORE CONSPIRACY 05/03/06 There are so many talented parody artists competing for reco... majorporcupine 05/03/06 Ours is essentially a materialistic age, so we refuse to tak... Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/03/06 tasteful. Sweep the Leg, Johnny 05/03/06 why, thank you. Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher 05/03/06 With that warning she sped her Range Rover back to Paramus ... Snakes in Jerome Greene 05/03/06 There was an Indian girl went forth every day; And the f... andrew@dukepont 05/03/06 just to take it to the next level, i was incredibly tempted ... potkettleblack 05/03/06 PWN3D! majorporcupine 05/03/06 I do not care for green eggs and curry. I do not care for th... Sweep the Leg, Johnny 05/03/06 Classic xoxo LawJerk 05/03/06 Having no apparatus except gut fear and female cunning to ex... potkettleblack 05/03/06 To plagarize, or not to plagarize--that is the question: W... Grant Lee Phillips 05/03/06 Maybe you should get the half million dollar advance, since ... majorporcupine 05/03/06 DRU DARON, ESQ. Ghostwriters & Counselors at Plagiarism ... zhichun 05/03/06
Post new message in this thread
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:42 PM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times, because my Range Rover had a flat tire.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698013)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: lonestar (xoxolonestar@gmail.com)
A spectre is haunting Harvard Yard -- the spectre of plagiarism. All the powers of new money Desi have entered into an unholy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Gucci and Prada, Range Rover and Lexis, Rasquach and sugarywitch.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698217)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:21 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
The Desis have nothing to lose but their movie options. They have a world to win. Plagiarists of the word, unite!
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698437)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:54 AM Author: Percy
and therein lies the struggle--more passages are written than can be plagarized. therefore, it must be the goal of each plagarist to plagarize as many passages as possible so that its genes may be passed on to a plagarizing progeny. and publishers then must select, naturally, which plagarists to make rich and which to condemn. many times a plagarist may "internalize" the DNA of another organism. i witnessed this many times on the galapagos islands.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704783)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:51 AM Author: Stttupendous
You had me at 'hello opal'.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705496)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:12 AM Author: Percy
Bill McHenry is a 26-year old white male with a stocky build and a beard. His head is shaved. He responded to my ad to be interviewed for this article wearing only leather pants, leather boots and a leather vest. I could see that both of his nipples were pierced with large-gauge silver rings.
Questioner: I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to prove to me that you're a nullo. Just so that our readers will know that this isn't a fake.
Bill: Sure, no problem. (stands and unbuckles pants and drops them to his ankles, revealing a smooth, shaven crotch with only a thin scar to show where his genitals once were).
Q: Thank you. That's a remarkable sight.
(laughs and pulls pants back up). Most people think so.
Q: What made you decide to become a nullo?
(pauses). Well, it really wasn't entirely my decision.
Q: Excuse me?
The idea wasn't mine. It was my lover's idea.
Q: Please explain what you mean.
Okay, it's a long story. You have to understand my relationship with Opal before you'll know what happened.
Q: We have plenty of time. Please go on.
Both of us were into the leather lifestyle when we met through a personal ad. Opal's ad was very specific: he was looking for someone to completely dominate and modify to his pleasure. In other word, a slave.
The ad intrigued me. I had been in a number of B&D scenes and also some S&M, but I found them unsatisfying because they were all temporary. After the fun was over, everybody went on with life as usual.
I was looking for a complete life change. I wanted to meet someone who would be part of my life forever. Someone who would control me and change me at his whim.
Q: In other words, you're a true masochist.
Oh yes, no doubt about that. I've always been totally passive in my sexual relationships.
Anyway, we met and there was instant chemistry. Opal is a few years older than me and very good looking. Our personalities meshed totally. He's very dominant.
I went back to his place after drinks and had the best sex of my life. That's when I knew I was going to be with Opal for a long, long time.
Q: What sort of things did you two do?
It was very heavy right away. He restrained me and whipped me for quite awhile. He put clamps on my nipples and a ball gag in my mouth. And he hung a ball bag on my sack with some very heavy weights. That bag really bounced around when Opal fucked me from behind.
Q: Ouch.
(laughs) Yeah, no kidding. At first I didn't think I could take the pain, but Opal worked me through it and after awhile I was flying. I was sorry when it was over.
Opal enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he talked about what kind of a commitment I'd have to make if I wanted to stay with him.
Q: What did he say exactly?
Well, besides agreeing to be his slave in every way, I'd have to be ready to be modified. To have my body modified.
Q: Did he explain what he meant by that?
Not specifically, but I got the general idea. I guessed that something like castration might be part of it.
Q: How did that make you feel?
(laughs) I think it would make any guy a little hesitant.
Q: But it didn't stop you from agreeing to Opal's terms?
No it didn't. I was totally hooked on this man. I knew that I was willing to pay any price to be with him.
Anyway, a few days later I moved in with Opal. He gave me the rules right away: I'd have to be naked at all times while we were indoors, except for a leather dog collar that I could never take off. I had to keep my head shaved. And I had to wear a butt plug except when I needed to take a shit or when we were having sex.
I had to sleep on the floor next to his bed. I ate all my food on the floor, too.
The next day he took me to a piercing parlor where he had my nipples done, and a Prince Albert put into the head of my cock.
Q: Heavy stuff.
Yeah, and it got heavier. He used me as a toilet, pissing in my mouth. I had to lick his asshole clean after he took a shit, too. It was all part of a process to break down any sense of individuality I had. After awhile, I wouldn't hesitate to do anything he asked.
Q: Did the sex get rougher?
Oh God, yeah. He started fisting me every time we had sex. But he really started concentrating on my cock and balls, working them over for hours at a time.
He put pins into the head of my cock and into my sack. He attached clothespins up and down my cock and around my sack. The pain was pretty bad. He had to gag me to keep me from screaming.
Q: When did the idea of nullification come up?
Well, it wasn't nullification at first. He started talking about how I needed to make a greater commitment to him, to do something to show that I was dedicated to him for life.
When I asked him what he meant, he said that he wanted to take my balls.
Q: How did you respond?
Not very well at first. I told him that I liked being a man and didn't want to become a eunuch. But he kept at me, and wore me down. He reminded me that I agreed to be modified according to his wishes, and this is what he wanted for me. Anything less would show that I wasn't really committed to the relationship. And besides, I was a total bottom and didn't really need my balls.
It took about a week before I agreed to be castrated. But I wasn't happy about it, believe me.
Q: How did he castrate you?
Opal had a friend who was into the eunuch scene. One night he came over with his bag of toys, and Opal told me that this was it. I was gonna lose my nuts then and there.
Q: Did you think of resisting?
I did for a minute, but deep down I knew there was no way. I just didn't want to lose Opal. I'd rather lose my balls.
Opal's friend restrained me on the living room floor while Opal videotaped us. He used an elastrator to put a band around my sack.
Q: That must have really hurt.
Hell yeah. It's liked getting kicked in the balls over and over again. I screamed for him to cut the band off, but he just kept on going, putting more bands on me. I had four bands around my sack when he finished.
I was rolling around on the floor screaming, while Opal just videotaped me. Eventually, my sack got numb and the pain subsided. I looked between my legs and could see my sack was a dark purple. I knew my balls were dying inside.
Opal and his friend left the room and turned out the light. I lay there for hours, crying because I was turning into a eunuch and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
Q: What happened then?
Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion. Then the light switched on and I could see Opal's friend kneeling between my legs, touching my sack. I heard him tell Opal that my balls were dead.
Q: How did Opal react?
Very pleased. He bent down and felt around my sack. He said that it felt cold.
Opal's friend told me that I needed to keep the bands on. He said that eventually my balls and sack would dry up and fall off. I just nodded. What else could I do at that point?
Q: Did it happen just like Opal's friend said?
Yeah, a week or so later my package just fell off. Opal put it in a jar of alcohol to preserve it. It's on the table next to his bed.
Q: How did things go after that?
Opal was really loving to me. He kept saying how proud he was of me, how grateful that I had made the commitment to him. He even let me sleep in his bed.
Q: What about the sex?
We waited awhile after my castration, and then took it easy until I was completely healed. At first I was able to get hard, but as the weeks went by my erections began to disappear.
That pleased Opal. He liked fucking me and feeling my limp cock. It made his dominance over me even greater.
Q: When did he start talking about making you a nullo?
A couple of months after he took my nuts. Our sex had gotten to be just as rough as before the castration. He really got off on torturing my cock. Then he started saying stuff like, "Why do you even need this anymore?"
That freaked me out. I always thought that he might someday take my balls, but I never imagined that he'd go all the way. I told him that I wanted to keep my dick.
Q: How did he react to that?
At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Opal said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.
But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.
Q: So how did he get you to agree?
He didn't. He took it against my will.
Q: How did that happen?
We were having sex in the basement, and I was tied up and bent over this wooden bench as he fucked me. Then I heard the doorbell ring. Opal answered it, and he brought this guy into the room.
At first I couldn't see anything because of the way I was tied. But then I felt these hands lift me up and put me on my back. And I could see it was Opal's friend, the guy who took my nuts.
Q: How did you react?
I started screaming and crying, but the guy just gagged me. The two of them dragged me to the other side of the room where they tied me spread eagled on the floor.
Opal's friend snaked a catheter up my dick, and gave me a shot to numb my crotch. I was grateful for that, at least. I remember how bad it hurt to lose my balls.
Q: What was Opal doing at this time?
He was kneeling next to me talking quietly. He said I'd be happy that they were doing this. That it would make our relationship better. That kind of calmed me down. I thought, "Well, maybe it won't be so bad."
Q: How long did the penectomy take?
It took awhile. Some of the penis is inside the body, so he had to dig inside to get all of it. There was a lot of stitching up and stuff. He put my cock in the same jar with my balls. You can even see the Prince Albert sticking out of the head.
Then they made me a new pisshole. It's between my asshole and where my sack used to be. So now I have to squat to piss.
Q: What has life been like since you were nullified?
After I got over the surgery and my anger, things got better. When I healed up, I began to like my smooth look. Opal brought friends over and they all admired it, saying how pretty I looked. It made me feel good that Opal was proud of me.
Q: Do you have any sexual feeling anymore?
Yes, my prostate still responds when Opal fucks me or uses the buttplug. And my nipples are quite sensitive. If Opal plays with them while fucking me, I have a kind of orgasm. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely an orgasm.
Sometimes Opal says he's gonna have my prostate and nipples removed, but he's just kidding around. He's happy with what he's done to me.
Q: So are you glad Opal had you nullified?
Well, I wouldn't say I'm glad. If I could, I'd like to have my cock and balls back. But I know that I'm a nullo forever. So I'm making the best of it.
Opal and I are very happy. I know that he'll take care of me and we'll be together always. I guess losing my manhood was worth it to make that happen for us.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704826)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 4:42 PM Author: Major Major Major Major
i don't know whether it's sad or sweet but i was going to do a best, worst thing too.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5700959)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 5:14 PM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
And I was going to do a Milo Minderbinder thing.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701122)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 10:04 PM Author: Major Major Major Major
What's good for Kaavya is good for America!
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5702593)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:01 AM Author: Percy
four score and seven years ago opal had a plan to get into harvard. many years from now the world will little note what is written in this book. kaavya cannot make these words sacred, for they have already been hallowed by other authors, in other books. so we come not to consecrate, but to recall the great works of those great authors. for without the plagarizing of these works, for the people, by kaavya, literature itself would perish.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704798)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:48 PM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
"Your mouth is open," Lex said.
Tim said, "I know him."
"Oh sure. You just met him."
"No," Tim said. "I have his book."
The bearded man said, "What book is that, Tim?"
"Lost World of the Dinosaurs," Tim said.
Alexis snickered. "Daddy says Tim has dinosaurs on the brain," she said.
Tim hardly heard her. He was dreaming of the recommendation letter Dr. Grant would write that would get him into Harvard.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698039)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:52 PM Author: Gogol Ganguly (got a basement full of booze and some blues to lose)
Call me Ishmopal.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698048)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:52 PM Author: Bon darzini
Call me Opal Mehta. Some years ago- never mind how long precisely- having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me in Jersey, I thought I would drive about a little in my Range Rover and see the Harvard part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to Harvard as soon as I can.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698051)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:54 PM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
And her father said unto Opal, Therefore whosoever shoppeth at Banana Republic, vengeance shall be taken on her sevenfold. And the father set a mark upon Opal, lest any finding her should try to steal her Gucci bag.
And Opal Mehta went out from the presence of her dad's house, and dwelt in the land of Harvard, on the east of United States.
And Opal knew her husband; and she conceived, and bare Sripu Babaganoush: and she builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of her son, City of Sripu Babaganoush.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698055)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:02 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
171
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698088)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:12 AM Author: I_Love_Kittens (That's how I troll...)
174 for the inclusion of "Babaganoush."
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698137)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:15 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
You don't watch 3 hours of MXC without learning a thing or two about Funny.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698157)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:55 PM Author: I_Love_Kittens (That's how I troll...)
Quoth the raven: "LOL, plagiarism"
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698061)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:56 PM Author: Bon darzini
175
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698065)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 6:12 PM Author: procrastinAsian (masochism is an acquired taste.)
nevermore?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701395)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:58 PM Author: Strom Thurmond
it was the best of times, *and* the worst of times
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698072)
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Date: May 1st, 2006 11:58 PM Author: Bon darzini
A screaming comes across the Jersey sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698073)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:01 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
One Fish
Two Fish
Scarlet Fish
Indigo Fish
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698085)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:53 AM Author: Scout Finch
Underappreciated.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698297)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:05 AM Author: nods
Ridin Spinners please
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698106)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:05 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
Friends, New Jerseyans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to copy Megan, not to praise her.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698107)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:11 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
I was trying to think of some good Shakespeare to use. I may be back with some JC in a minute.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698131)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:16 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
I'll admit, mine was pretty shitty.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698162)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:01 AM Author: Nicholas D. Wolfwood
I don't know, I thought it had some wit to it.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698334)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:06 AM Author: nods
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698111)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:10 AM Author: 3\/1|_ \/1R
How did it happen that making the tired claim that this ghetto shithole is UNDERrated became the signature conversation piece for people who desperately want to be thought smart; really, really smart. smart people love "rigor" and PCL is full of it; it must be, what with its hair-splitting number grades, punishingly low enforced mean, and oppressive course load. PCL boosterism usually comes in the form of a comparison with the appallingly UNrigorous Nova Southwestern or Notre Dame -- gradeless, abundantly pass-fail, unserious; students who do nothing and know nothing. PCL: graded, competitive, serious... That it's really just a ruptured ego rehab clinic for Cooley rejects is a fact not emphasized. I have seen a homely PCL girl, deep into her second year, still spontaneously weeping upon Proustian recollections of the stiff NO Cooley sent her, in brisk three-week turnaround time from the point her doomed application was deemed complete. Happy December, chickiepoo. Then the Notre Dame axe fell, as it does. Welcome to the New Year, dipshit. January passed; February crawled by with those joyless acceptances that only accentuated the horror of Plan B: Suffolk, which is a "Law Center," a failed euphemism if ever there was one. Next: woeful Texas Southern. Oh, what a very bad school. And -- what do we have here?!? -- an NESL full-ride. Ummmm, no. On second thought in stead of NESL I'd prefer the f free roasted dogshit mignon with a pus reduction sauce and a heaping blob of earwax garnish. Thank you no. I am woe. Add to that the fact that the imbecile whoalways posts about how Sean Hannity is a "serious thinker" just got into Cooley. Time for you to start some damage-control posting here, on the PR board, pretending to seriously consider this NESL affront. You wave the flag of thrift and test out a quaintly anachronistic abhorrence of debt. Substantively, you add in some tommyrot about how NESL's "really strong in ...'international law,' whatever the fuck that is. NESL? Yeah, right. But you need something that gives the illusion that Suffolk, if it comes to that, isn't the three years incarcerated in a smegma chamber that it is. So good, so fine you'll drop the cash dollars despite that lovely gift from BU. You're forming a cover story; something to puff the very real and very nauseating prospect of joining 600 other defeated mediocrities at ... fuck, no ... Suffolk. And you thought going to college at Penn was bad. . Still, there are two more to hear from. Two more law schools ...There's that late April Nova Southwestern rejection (inconsiderate bastards) which at least affords you ample time to manufacture the next layer in the cover story: e.g., a strict policy against California, a suburban aversion, a preference for bigness, all of which eliminate Nova Southwestern from the sweepstakes. Be sure, too, to ridicule their tepid 25-75 LSAT %ile, too. Kill it dead, if you must. Maybe you thrust out of your frozen horror by sending off one of those strategic "withdrawal" letters, the way all those clowns do when Cooley puts them on hold ... ".you cant't fire me ... i quit! " Adios, Nova Southwestern. Suck my cunt, you no-SCOTUS-clerking/dike-dean-TTT. ... die, die, you gravy-sucking pig. .... and now, then, there is just one. PCL. The College of Law. PCL does do that pathetic yield-maximizing stall, so February passes, March crawls. They haven't the nuts to try the ricockulous move Nova Southwestern does. So they write. Ever rigorous, The Law School requests the pleasure of your company. Not so fast . No decision has been made. They want to inspect you in person. The "evaluative interview. Looking for people skills. And evident thirst for knowledge. The life of the law is the law itself. It seems you've fucked up; quite possible3 when the went "behind the numbers." Maybe those two essay paragraphs about why the 171, exactly where you topped out in Kaplan, is a truer measure than the 164. maybe it was two paragraphs too many. You weren't an auto-admit. So off to the "evaluative interview," and you give them not much to evaluate. You stay on message, though: owing to its RIGOR, PCL is now, and ever was, your FIRST CHOICE. Tell your audience what it wants to hear. Then they decide, engaging the only evaluation that matters in this gig. Looks like they can break even with your sorry ass. Median-wise, your 171 nullifies the 159 URM from Howard they took yesterday. They'll swallow your 3.46; sometimes that's the price of a yield-lock, and you're that. (No one's swallowing the Howard guy, if you catch my racy double entendre.) These admissions guys talk, as you suspected, and you wisely decide against telling them it had come down to PCL or Cooley for you; first versus second choice; no choice at all. Never get caught lying. Bad idea, even worse than telling that stupid girl from Emory you were "a Kennedy." These things get found out. Like they say, no sense lying about your cock size. Turns out you didn't need to fake a bidding war. The usual stampede of all PCL's best admitees are going to Y and H and S without so much as the courtesy of telling C to go pound sand. Why tell them what they already know? They need to fill place #143 of their famously teeny-weenie class. The assumed occupant got unheld at Cooley this morning; never so relieved, he had the audacity to ask PCL for his deposit back. They don't need these headaches. You're in. They write, very pleased to offer admission; then a recital of just how "keen" the competition was for the few precious "seats" in the class of 2006; and, finally, a paragraph celebrating the legal profession with a toploftiness and richly felt purpose so precisely at variance with reality that you are unsettled by the suspicion that you might be the target of a satire so subtly corrosive that you will never connect it with the despair that will progress, exponentially; beginning as a persistent annoyance progressing into a pervasive physical and mental crapulence and ending in the crippling burden as lumber and writhe and tumble toward the epiphany. What epiphany is that? That this "career" of yours --BIGLAW! -- has somewhat less to recommend it than residence in the "shoe" at Pelican Bay. For now, though, the seed of tragic hopelessness finds expression in the "Law Discussion Area." You post -- IN AT PCL -- and, without overtly lying, you manufacture the entirely erroneous impression that you "chose" PCL, being also the originator of the PCL v. COOLEY and NOTRE DAME v. PCL threads, under various of your insipid monikers, all selected from either Pulp Fiction or Friends. Be careful not to ass fuck your credibility, though. The purported Notre Dame turn-down is a tough one to pull off. The "New Haven's-an-armpit" trope just doesn't pass the ha-ha test. It's too puny a reason to toss away a lifetime of being supposed a genius ... fuck it: always good to give your fabrications a little populist tint, not to mention a dollop of truth. Join the commiseration thread of Notre Dame rejects; pretend to be sad for that Nuisance turd; be one of the masses for once. Getting rejected isn't the same thing as not getting in, You merely did not get in. You claim to have been wait-listed; and, with admirable maturity, you hold out no hope. Remember, too, this lie must be built on several fronts. Lard up the Cooley thread with grave concern about big classes, low morale, faculty acrimony, and speculation about a precipitous US News ranking drop. Throughout April, you go political, fulminating about Tribe and Dershowitz and how Duncan Kennedy drives a far-too-expensive car. to be a genuine socialist. PCL's "conservative climate" is just a better fit for you; marginal cost curves figure in your every analytical moment; you read Posner opinions on the crapper; Coase is as important as Socrates. There is that little stinging glitch, though. Somehow Nova Southwestern neglected to process that request to quash your application, which is not favorably acted upon and this is memoriaized in a letter that suggests the Nova Southwestern Admissions Office ignores their LaserWriter Pro's TONER LOW warning. On May 7th they regret to inform and wish you well at any of the scores of other law schools that, they assure you "offer excellent programs of legal instruction." (Which, you have no doubt, they do. What they don't offer, is really the only important thing Nova Southwestern does offer: the opportunity to sit for three years with your thumb up your ass, comatose, and still get the job you'll have to bust nuts to get coming from whichever craphole you end up at.) It's sealed. An ugly, styleless maroon PCL LAW, Champion sweatshirt has arrived, per your online order. You wear it, eliciting congratulations from the babe you want to rail. She's so happy for you, and you're so wrapped up in the fantasy of creaming on her tits you nearly miss perky aside that her boyfriend remains in the throes of elation from his admission to Notre Dame, back in January. Throughout the summer, you bookmark links that embody the wisdom US News lacks. Your are heading off, soon, to your own first choice, which also places first in a ranking produced by the rigorous methodology conceived by a statistician from the University of Maryland Baltimore County. That Cooley tied for #14 undermines your confidence in the ranking diminishes the likelihood it will supplant US News' preeminence. So you go. Your Hyde Park apartment is actually rather nice. Your housemate went to Cooley College. One night, instead of jacking off before sleep, you register as an active component of your self-conception the notion that, transitively, your housemate's undergraduate credential nullifies the Cooley rejection that left you lusterless and unlaid at your senior prom, -- and has persisted as a gnawing ache, going on five years. You are now on equal footing with a Cooley graduate. Should your law school prowess exceed his -- say a 75 in Torts to his 74 -- you will once and for all flick away the scab of that Cooley wound. First cut is the deepest. As it turns out, your housemate is an engaging, witty fellow. He's porking the big bosomed lady with the Dutch accent. Wow! He offers to you, his new chum, the story of his own execution -- by lethal injection -- as expected, he painlessly relates, by the COOLEY admission staff. You pretend to explore what might have caused things to go awry, flatulating the usual fatuousness about Cooley being excessively "numbers driven," the "arbitrariness" of it all, dangling the threat of going on at some length, when he offers up the only information you genuinely care to know about him: : 178/3.34 ..Of course some one will inevitably have the 6th percentile college GPA in every COOLEY class; probably not a white guy from Greenwich, though. Friendship is built through reciprocity. So you tell your own story. You attempt to weave compassion into the telling of your story, being careful not to appear boastful about not just possessing, but discarding something he does not possess. COOLEY. Dreamy, So, your story: the grueling back-and-forth ... one day it's PCL, the next Cooley; the hardest decision you've ever made; that feeling of immense responsibility to yourself; discovering and summoning the emotional maturity to pierce the specious veil that is prestige. With the bearing of a battle weary soldier you tell what it is to do something rarely done -- circumnavigate the Earth, dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop, turn down Cooley Law School . You picked PCL. You chose, you adorable little existentialist. You are not exposed, chiefly because this a shared lie, Community glue. (Postscript: Throughout the 1Lyear you and your housemate discover much commonality, He, too, prefers the Stones to the Beatles. You both smoke pot. neither is circumcised. You've each fucked 5 girls; gotten head from several others. Each of you applies to transfer. He gets into COOLEY. He turns down Cooley Law School. Of course no two people are exactly alike. Your desire to transfer wanes around the time Nova Southwestern and Notre Dame's decisions on your transfer applications reach you by mail. You begin the PCL 1L TAKING QUESTIONS thread. One of your alter ego monikers asks simply: how do you like PCL. You love it. You wouldn't go anywhere else and, you note, there were other places you could have gone. Same for your housemate. He transfers to Notre Dame.)
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698130)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:13 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
A slightly different take, but I like it.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698144)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:15 AM Author: 3\/1|_ \/1R
ty
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698155)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:13 AM Author: whokebe
lol
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698147)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:21 AM Author: prestigium-317 (pensive)
I saw the mediocre minds of my generation destroyed by weakness, striving hysterical Harvard-obsessed,
dragging themselves through the Indian streets at dawn looking for "extracurrics",
Opal-headed nonprofits burning for the ancient "leadership" connection to the starstruck teenager in the machinery of Byerly,
who New-Money and tatters and... et cetera et cetera
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698178)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:25 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
Shit! What is that? My lit prof would be smacking me right now.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698188)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:27 AM Author: jellybean
Allen Ginsberg
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698191)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
I thought so.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698216)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:21 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
Squire Srinivasan, Dr. Patel, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Harvard Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted, I take up my pen in the year 20__, and go back to the time when my father kept the "Admiral Jersey" inn, and the brown old publisher, with the sabre cut, first took up her lodging under our roof.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698180)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:45 AM Author: JasonWK (welcome to monsterpiece theatre, this alistair cookie.)
hahaha... I actually just read Treasure Island out of boredom.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698257)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:31 AM Author: prestigium-317 (pensive)
What my folks will find after work is a big naked novel, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of kitsch and twisted metaphors. The opposite of a kid studying himself to death while he jacks off. This is the Opal they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a writing scholarship and get an IB job. Who'd plagiarize them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky opals of wasted effort.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698206)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:33 AM Author: Jul. Shock.
This is a good one.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698219)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:39 AM Author: prestigium-317 (pensive)
Gutsy, at least.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698241)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:42 AM Author: Jul. Shock.
haha
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698247)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:50 AM Author: The Ghost of Adolf Hitler
guts by chuck pahalaniuk?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698278)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:57 AM Author: prestigium-317 (pensive)
Yep
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698317)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:01 AM Author: The Ghost of Adolf Hitler
good fucking call dude. one of the most disgusting, yet brilliant things ive ever read.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698331)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:58 AM Author: JasonWK (welcome to monsterpiece theatre, this alistair cookie.)
That story sucks.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698322)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:37 AM Author: HomerJSimpson
False.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705080)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 12:06 PM Author: JasonWK (welcome to monsterpiece theatre, this alistair cookie.)
False.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5706021)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:32 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Desi girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me near one of 170 specialty boutiques and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all Jean Paul Gaultier perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698210)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 1:03 AM Author: Nicholas D. Wolfwood
awesome.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698347)
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 7:53 AM Author: Long_duck_dong (.)
Yes! Yes! (Rodney Dangerfield standing up yelling this in Back to School. Classic.)
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5704979)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:34 AM Author: Sun Chic Needed (watch me tea bag that pterodactyl over there)
I heard this letter came into the Indian version of Miss Abby...
Dear Miss Krisnuvishnabillooprat--
I am nineteen years old now and I don't know what to do and would appreciate it if you could tell me what to do. When I was a little girl it was not so bad because I got used to the kids on the block making fun of me and my miniature Range Rover, but now I would like to have boyfriends like the other girls and go out on Saturday nites, but no boy will take me because I was born without a nose or soul--although I am a good writer and have a nice shape and my father buys me pretty clothes.
I sit and look at myself all day and cry. I have a big hole in the middle of my face and heart that scares people even myself so I cant blame the boys for not wanting to take me out. My mother loves me, but she crys terrible when she looks at me.
What did I do to deserve such a terrible bad fate? Even if I did do some bad things I didnt do any before I was a year old and I was born this way. I asked Papa and he says he doesnt know, but that maybe I did something in the other world before I was born or that maybe I was being punished for his sins. I dont believe that because he is a very nice man. Ought I commit suicide?
Sincerely yours,
Desperate
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698221)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:36 AM Author: andrew@dukepont (Toppling HLS Grad Governors in 2006)
What happens to an application deferred?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698225)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:47 AM Author: Extreme Fajitas: The Final Cut
nice
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5698267)
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Date: May 2nd, 2006 12:38 AM Author: prestigium-317 (pensive)
The noble David Zhou
Hath told you Kaavya was ambitious.
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Kaavya answered it....
Come I to speak in Kaavya's Internetspwnage.
She was my bitch, submissive and just to me.
But David Zhou says she was ambitious,
And David Zhou is an honorable man.
She hath brought much chick-lit home to Harvard,
Whose ransoms did her Range Rover fill.
Did this in Kaavya seem ambitious?
When that th |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:12 PM Author: sickened 180 den toaster Subject: and with that... my genius is credited. look upon my works ye plagarists and despair. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5709651) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:11 AM Author: lemon thriller gas station thanks for ruining a great thread, dumbass (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712463) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 4:45 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film Why, thank you. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5714071) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:07 AM Author: Swollen dragon institution I do not care for eggs and green curry. I do not care for them in a Range Rover, I do not care for them in New Jersey. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705600) |
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Date: May 6th, 2006 1:06 PM Author: High-end Stead Gay Wizard witty (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5727128) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:18 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe Classic xoxo (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705656) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:23 AM Author: sickened 180 den toaster Having no apparatus except gut fear and female cunning to examine this formless magic, to understand how it works, how to measure its field strength, count its lines of force, Kaaya may fall back on plagarism, or take up a useful hobby like embroidery, or go mad, or marry a disc jockey, or buy a range rover, or face a law suit for plagarism. If the honor code is everywhere and the harvard administration no proof against its charges of plagarism, what else? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5705686) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 11:28 AM Author: abusive shivering theatre To plagarize, or not to plagarize--that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of original thought Or to take quotations from Sloppy First And in so doing, prosper. To lie, to cheat-- No more--and by a sleep to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That come with our Harvard expulsion. 'Tis a commencemnt that we will never see. To lie, to cheat-- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of Franklin Lakes what dreams may come When we have roved all the ranges god given, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes on Hindu mother smile. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, Th' oppressor's wrong, the rapture of their publisher The scorn of Dreamworks SKG, the law's delay, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th' unworthy takes, When she herself could hang from the ceiling By a sole Hermes Scarf? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country, from whose bourn No traveller returns, Range Rover or no, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others we've only read of in chick-lit? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of designer blush Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of "PWN3D," And enterprise of great pitch and moment With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now, The fair Opal! -- Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remembered. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 3:41 PM Author: aphrodisiac laser beams stag film Maybe you should get the half million dollar advance, since this was done already:
http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5701581 |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 10:53 PM Author: abusive shivering theatre Reading is hard. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5710408) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 1:50 PM Author: excitant crawly market sweet tailpipe DRU DARON, ESQ. Ghostwriters & Counselors at Plagiarism
131 W 29th St., 10th Fl., New York NY 10001, United States
May 3, 2006
Benedict H. Gross c/o Harvard College 6 Prescott Street Cambridge, MA 02138
“Personal and Confidential”
Re: Kaavya Viswanathan
Dear Dean Gross:
Please be advised this production company represents the above named “Indian author in decline” to your college in connection with same and most respectfully request immediate overlook of said plagiarism and reconsideration after your “receipt, review, and analysis” of the within correspondence.
Upon information and belief, on or about early Spring of 2006, Kaavya Viswanathan was outed as plagiarizing numerous passages from pseudo-literary teen click novels and ultimately was withdrawn from publication. While I submit her novel indicated her intellect and plagiarism skills may have been below and/or at average, her ethnicity should have been a “red flag” for amnesty, as to the kind of human being this student is and what a typical Harvard elitist snob she could continue to be.
Regardless of your school’s views of our Nation’s war against non-whites and whether we should be closing our borders to the scores of illegals who want to come and pick lettuce under the blazing sun while being assfucked by farm owners, I’m sure your school supports and respects our young immigrant men and women answering the call of duty, namely risking their reputations everyday so that your institution can continue to carry the irrational cloak of ascendancy as an intellectual powerhouse so that your middle-income white children and mine never experience another shot at success. I question whether your schools disciplinary policy is blind (negligently or intentionally) to what nineteen (19) year old Kaavya Viswanathan was doing just four (4) years prior to submitting her novel for publication.
Kaavya Viswanathan prior to submitting her novel, spent four (4) years immersing herself in awful and banal chick literature and in fact was one of the first persons of Harvard dreams to cross the border and enter the psychological Sweet Valley High combat zone. This double Megan F. McCafferty-plagiarizing veteran of Enduring Drive for Prestige Whoreness received a Major Book Deal for single-handedly ripping off two (2) B-list texts and saving 100,000 U.S. book-readers from having to read those books as well. She was recently nominated for the prestigious award of the XOXOHTH PWNAGE OF THE YEAR AWARD (Please see her Harvard Crimson statement annexed to original application).
I respectfully submit to you for decades, due to sympathy, legislative pressure and case law, quotas, and considerations were utilized for minority and handicapped student acceptance and entrance, to your institution and others throughout the United States, to place those “less fortunate,” under equal footing, thus keeping them from ever having to resort to $30,000 consultant hirings and acts for which the ends justify the means. I respectfully submit to you, now is the time regardless of your views of plagiarism, to help place all the incredible “Kaavya Viswanathans” in our country at equal footing. Reward four (4) years of risking her Range Rover and Prada suits, protecting you and I with a small insignificant dream in the scope of it all, entrance and graduation from college.
I respectfully submit to you I have been in the serialized novel business for eighteen (18) years and have never come across a worse writer than Kaavna Visawanathan (meaning GREAT business and overtime for my ghostwriters). While I’ll agree and understand you may feel bottled up in the four (4) walls of your institution fixated on TAs teaching all undergraduate classes, let me respectfully remind you that although an education is imperative on becoming a successful Indian, the core should be desire to help those without this capability find an alternate route by engaging in intellectual dishonesty and still receiving the Harvard stamp of approval at the end of the day, whereby Kaavya Viswanathan has the majority of students beat.
I have enclosed for your perusal photos of the student at one of the entrances of Harvard, wearing a pompous blue polo shirt that affirms she is of wealthy Harvard material; and an article recently printed in Hindu Times about how sales of her book have shot up after the news of her impressive “internalization” broke. Upon your “receipt, review, and analysis” kindly telephone the undersigned to arrange an interview with Kaavya Viswanathan for potential early nomination of commencement address speaker and/or take the ultimate and just move and accept her to be an assistant professor, working with Doris Kearns Goodwin, a natural role model, rewarding her for her service.
Thanking you in advance for your anticipated delusion and cooperation herein.
Very truly yours,
_____________________ DRU DARON, ESQ.
cc: Honorable President George Bush The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, D.C. 20500
Honorable Decretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld 1000 Defense Pentagon Washington D.C. 20301-1000
TRANSMISSION VIA CERTIFIED MAIL – RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:44 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712090) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:47 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe that's another 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712108) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:54 AM Author: Khaki Confused Striped Hyena it was very, very good (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712128) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 4:23 PM Author: Godawful Sepia Really Tough Guy So, I have come to cash this check – a check that will give me upon demand the riches of buying stock and the security of a Range Rover. I have also come to this bank to remind you of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of shopping at outlet stores or to take the tranquilizing drug of driving a non-european car. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of Macy's to the sunlit path or Neiman Marcus. Now is the time to open the VIP doors at clubs to all of my friends with Range Rovers. Now is the time to lift our glasses and toast to the good life of our sisterhood. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5707500) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 5:02 PM Author: passionate frozen heaven liquid oxygen have you ever went over a friends house to read and the books just ain't no good. i mean the novels is sappy, the prose is mushed and the chicklit reads like wood. so you try to play it off like you think you can by sayin that you're done. and then your friend says momma she's just being polite she ain't finished with that poem. so your heart starts pumpin and you think of a lie and you say that you already "internalized" and your friend says girl there's plenty to read so you plop some essays on your plate. while the stinky diction's steamin your mind starts to dreamin of the moment that it's time to leave. and then you look at the plot and your story's slowly rottin into something that looks so cheesy. oh so you say that's it i got to leave this place i dont care what these people think im just sittin here makin myself nauseous with this ugly text that just stinks. so you bust out the door while it's still closed still sick from the prose that just ain't great and then you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of kaopectate. and then you call your friend two weeks later to see how she has been and she says i understand about the food baby bubbah but we're still friends. |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 8:30 PM Author: Lime Sticky Parlor Becky Subject: Thank you
Dear Little, Brown and Co., At this time, I am writing to inform you that I will not be accepting your offer. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living in light of the work I would be doing for you. I have decided instead to plagiarize for myself, and reap 100% of the benefits that I sew. Thank you for the interviews. KW, Esq.
Subject: RE: Thank you
KW - Given that you had two interviews, were offered and accepted the book deal (indeed, you had a $500,000 advance), I am surprised that you chose an e-mail and a 9:30 PM voicemail message to convey this information to me. It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional. Indeed, I did rely upon your acceptance by ordering stationary and business cards with your name, buying a Range Rover and contacting the Harvard admissions office on your behalf. While I do not quarrel with your reasoning, I am extremely disappointed in the way this played out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. - Little, Brown and Co.
Subject: Re: RE: Thank you
A real publisher would have compared the writing to other recent novels and not exercised any such reliance until he did so. Again, thank you.
Subject: RE:Re:RE: Thank you
Thank you for the refresher course on plagiarism. This is not an SAT question. You need to realize that this is a very small publishing community, especially the chick lit genre. Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced authors at this early stage of your career?
Subject: Re:RE:Re:RE: Thank you
bla bla bla |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:46 AM Author: Crusty friendly grandma lettuce awesome (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712104) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:52 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe very nice (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712126) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 8:55 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency inspired (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712455) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2006 9:04 PM Author: Submissive Location Mexican tommrow night, after tonights show, ive decided to have megan mcafferty over to kirkland house. all are welcome.. however there will be no originality. i plan on internalizing the bitch's words as soon as she walks in and proceeding to plagiarize her novel while creaming in my la perla issue panties.. all in besides random house and salman rushdie please respond (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5709599) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 2:33 AM Author: Khaki Confused Striped Hyena Of Kaavya's first disobedience, and the syntax Of that forbidden book whose accidental internalization Brought infamy unto the Viswanathans, and all their woe, With loss of Harvard, till one greater Author Threaten suit, and ruin the blissful cash advance, Sing, Heavenly Muse, that, on the secret top Of the Harvard Crimson, or of CBS, didst inspire That reporter who first taught the chosen readers In the beginning how Opal Mehtal Got kissed, got wild, and got a life. |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 3:49 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe thank you for that compliment of great plagiarism! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712115) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 8:56 AM Author: beady-eyed carmine degenerate national security agency goddamn i love this thread (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712456) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 9:19 AM Author: lemon thriller gas station What gets plagiarized in New Jersey, stays plagiarized when published"
(lame 'what happens in vegas stays in vegas' take off) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 10:01 AM Author: Pearl Multi-colored Dog Poop Property March 4th or 5th or 3d or 4th -- I don't know -- 1879.
Dear sister and all: I now in my usual style drop you a few lines to let you know that I expect to leave New Jersey on or about March the 5th, with a certain Mr. Hillmon, a sheeptrader, for Cambridge or parts unknown to me. I expect to see the country now. News are of no interest to you, as you are not acquainted here. I will close with compliments to all inquiring friends. Love to all.
I am truly your sister,
OPAL |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 10:17 AM Author: Mildly autistic whorehouse mad-dog skullcap I'm going to print this out and read it on the can. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712616) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 10:39 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe I am plenty ambitious, but I lack talent.
I sincerely hope the character and fitness review includes no character component, because I possess roughly the moral turpitude of a child molester. Worse, even, as child molesters seem instinctually able to have sex with children, whereas I become hopelessly lost the minute i attempt to write something original. On beach days, after swimming in the ocean, I comb the shore for hours in a feeble attempt to relocate my Range Rover. When someone asks how my novel is coming along, I blink and gasp as though deprived of oxygen. “Those people are just jealous. After a few days, you’ll get your royalties,” people say, but royalties elude me. Everyone has her weakness, but mine too often forced me out of the school for which my parents paid $20,000 to get me accepted.
Then I found Meggie.
Others find Christ, Prozac, Pilates; I found Meggie. Meggie is short for "Two awful books by Megan McCafferty." Her work sits at home on my bookshelf and sweetly directs, "Change 'pretty or smart' to 'smart or pretty',” or “Make it 5 department stores instead of 4!” Would that I could have become my own Maggie; my book is littered with enough examples of awful writing to pave the Mass. Pike. But try as I might, I cannot guide myself organically, so I embrace my literary friend instead.
Ambitious indeed, but I lift a passage well. |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 11:15 AM Author: abusive shivering theatre Will someone please e-mail this to Kaavya.
Thanks. |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 11:18 AM Author: Godawful Sepia Really Tough Guy What's her email address? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712948) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 11:21 AM Author: abusive shivering theatre Its been posted somewhere...I imagine you can look her up at Harvard's website... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712956) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 11:24 AM Author: Godawful Sepia Really Tough Guy If you find it, I'll email it to her. I remember seeing it here, but I don't recall in which thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5712966) |
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Date: May 4th, 2006 11:30 AM Author: abusive shivering theatre kviswan@fas.harvard.edu (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5713006) |
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Date: May 17th, 2006 1:59 AM Author: apoplectic wonderful giraffe ty (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#5799537) |
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Date: October 8th, 2007 11:00 PM Author: greedy gold locale organic girlfriend Nevar forget. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=409315&forum_id=2#8745286) |