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Finalizing contract with Satan; need advice
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Date: July 12th, 2006 6:13 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Subject: I received a demonology manual for Christmas... And I decided to start practicing spells. At first, I was limited to rather run-of-the-mill magic: levitating neckties, turning squirrels to stone, and brewing newts for witch soups. I became rather proficient in the minor demonic arts and was eager to try the more advanced business. I came across the perfect spell for my xoxohth tendencies: the Lucifer Elixir. Simply put, it was a draught "sufficient to expand the full capacity of human pride. Unlimited power and prestige are open to the drinkers of this potion." I read over the procedures and immediately a shadow passed over my brow. There was only one ingredient necessary: human souls.
"How cliched," I thought. One of the souls would have to be mine, naturally, but beyond this, I could not make out the text. I was ready to despair, when suddenly, a little footnote by Justice Scalia caught my eye. In order to understand the text of this document, I would have to take an originalist approach. I needed to summon Satan himself to figure out exactly what the rules were.
I therefore prepared, on Independence Day, when the noise of the fireworks could obscure the rumblings of Hell, the necessary writ of habeus diabolus. I drew the golden pentagram about me, threw the entrails into the fire, mixed powders and Prada together, chanted the Lord's Prayer backwards, chanted the Cooley rankings forward, and then waved my magic wand. There was a brilliant flash of lightning, a terrific clap of thundering, a thick aroma of smoke, and the oddly pleasant sound of a woman having an orgasm (this turned out to have nothing to do with my faustian rendezvous; the neighbors were getting it on because they thought no one could hear them above the fireworks either). Green mist filled the room and a flaming circle surrounded my pentagram. Then a spotlight came down and there he was, the Old Scratch.
I was a little disappointed--he was rather shabbily dressed, having lately run in from a furious appointment with a confidential North Korean client, whose plans for world conquest had proved embarrassingly impotent. I'd never met the Prince of Darkness before, so I thought it proper that we have tea and get to know each other first. I asked him how his family was doing and he wanted to know how I was getting on in school. We chatted pleasantly about the New York Times for a bit.
"So tell me," I said at last, wanting to get to business. "What is this Lucifer Elixir and how does it work?"
The Elixir, he informed me, while stroking his cloven hoof, was the most powerful charm any mortal could summon. Simply put, he had at his disposal 18 powers, divided into three categories, Classes A, B, and C. I could choose a maximum of two from each category--six powers total, in other words. In exchange, I would need to sell my own soul to him for all eternity. Furthermore, depending on which category my power came from, I would also need to seduce a specified number of innocent souls, turning their footsteps towards the infernal gate. Satan would appear periodically from time to time with advice on which person to turn to the dark side. I was satisfied and ready to begin choosing, when suddenly Satan stopped me.
"I really shouldn't be doing this, old boy," he said, in a fake British accent, "but I've taken a liking to you. I think perhaps you should see some of my former clients first, before making such an important decision."
I saw with horror what happened to those who did not choose wisely. The names struck me cold to the heart: Abraham Lincoln. George Eliot. Susan B. Anthony. Theodore Roosevelt. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Virginia Woolf. Adolf Hitler. Joseph Stalin. Joseph Kennedy. Virginia Woolf. Mahatma Ghandi. Albert Einstein. Strom Thurmond. Richard Nixon. Jiang Qing. Margaret Thatcher. Virginia Woolf. Bill Gates. John Roberts. Tiger Woods. Michelle Wie. Pope Benedict XVI. Virginia Woolf. The entire Clinton family. The entire Bush family. Angelina Jolie. Adriana Lima. 174. Virginia Woolf.
"These were successes in their time, but they all failed to consider the consequences of their prestige and so I had them in the end. There were others even more careless, who aspired to greatness, but failed more miserably."
That list horrified me even more. Judas Iscariot. Amelia Earhart. Ralph Reed. Scooter Libby. Jay Leno. Ken Jennings. Dr. Phil. Brian Leiter. Kaavya Viswanathan. Joseph Masters. Host upon host of embarrassing failures.
"They asked for power," spat the devil with disgust, lighting up a cigar on his fingers, "and were too incompetent to handle it. I received their souls and gave them almost nothing in return. Incompetence will be punished. Remember that and choose carefully. I suggest you seek advice from xoxohth. I have a few pet projects there, who could perhaps advise you on the optimal course. Take their counsel very seriously, for it will determine the whole arc of your prestige."
Then he disappeared, leaving me trembling and thoughtful, with the contract outlined. By the terms of it, I am forbidden to disclose the exact wording, unless I receive a special clearance from Beelzebub. However, the gist of it is that I must now choose two powers from each class. I need your advice, xoxohth. This is my soul we're discussing here; perhaps the most important contract I will ever sign. What shall I choose? Without further ado:
CLASS A (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting three innocent souls):
i) Mind-reading. When I choose, I can hear people's secret thoughts or have them downloaded to my Blackberry.
ii) Charisma. The power to make any person I choose irresistibly attracted to me. Can be calibrated to sexual, political, business, etc. needs.
iii) Invulnerability. Will be immune to disease, injury, poison, etc. with the power to defeat anyone in physical combat.
iv) Magic Mind. The ability to create immortal contributions to the intellectual field(s) of my choice.
v) Midas Touch. Any business I set up will prosper immensely, allowing me to retire as at least a billionaire.
vi) Weatherman: Control of weather within at least 10 mile radius.
CLASS B (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting two innocent souls):
i) Invisibility. Vanish from sight at will. Will have to become naked for this to fully work.
ii) Telekinesis: Will be able to move objects under one metric ton with my mind.
iii) X-Ray vision: Ability to see through any barrier; adjustable strength and telescopic vision included.
iv) I Started a Joke: Can make any witty bon mot instantly, making everyone laugh.
v) Open Sesame: Any lock will open with my simple command.
vi) Flying: Turn into a bald eagle at will and fly. Resume human form once claws touch the ground.
CLASS C (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting one innocent soul):
i) Pyrophalanges: Ability to shoot fire from my fingers.
ii) Helen of Troy: Helen of Troy will be resurrected in her full beauty, to become my mistress for life, unless I speak her name, in which case we both die.
iii) False Face: Can become the body double of anyone I choose.
iv) Dancing King: Dominate any dance floor impressively.
v) Speak Peace: Doves fly out of my mouth at will.
vi) Knighthood: Basically, receive an Order of the Garter from the reigning British Monarch.
Tell which power to choose, taking into account any consequences/vulnerabilities these combinations might leave open. While I will not break the confidentiality clause by posting the text of the whole contract here, I will be happy to clarify any ambiguities in the specific powers, as long as specific questions are asked.
Thank you. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 6:29 AM Author: Adventurous Roommate Gay Wizard None of the above.
Jesus saves.
HTH. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 6:36 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Sorry, already decided to sell soul for prestige. I expect counsellors who protect my interests, instead of preaching their obvious flame to me. Any competent future attorney would have this basic capacity, so I can only assume you are not a competent future attorney.
YHIV |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 10:51 PM Author: Adventurous Roommate Gay Wizard You are missing the point - I am indeed looking to protect your interests (assuming you are a rational actor) by advising you against agreeing to a disadvantageous contract.
If Satan did truly reveal himself to you, this is definitive proof that God, and presumably heaven, exist. The only reason rational people act sinfully (or at least sinfully enough to wind up in hell) is because they are not convinced that hell exists and that there will actually be eternal adverse consequences for their actions. The powers offered to you will very likely make you extremely happy for the rest of your life, and this life will probably be very long depending on the powers you select. But now that you know that heaven exists, this same result can be guaranteed (and probably to a much greater degree) by acting piously for the rest of your natural life and spending eternity in heaven. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:35 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Your analysis interests me; at first, your preachy tone was off-putting, but now I feel compelled to take your post seriously. Nevertheless, there are some points in your argument which I do not fully understand.
Satan's revelation does not necessarily mean that God or a god exists. The existence of malevolence does not necessitate an equal and opposite good. But let's assume your point for a moment. I think the other erronenous assumption you make is that I would be happy spending eternity in Heaven. After all, God hasn't appeared to me with a contract for Magic Mind and I Started a Joke. I could live piously, resisting a life of incredible power, only to find myself stuck in Heaven, monotonously strumming a harp. No, in this case, it seems the rational course is to accept the devil's bargain and then find some technicality to cheat him. Using Invulnerability to get around death seems like a possible solution. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 3:02 AM Author: Adventurous Roommate Gay Wizard "The existence of malevolence does not necessitate an equal and opposite good."
True. But you did not say that some malevolence visited you, you specifically referred to this creature as Satan and Lucifer. Lucifer was a specific angel in Heaven with God before he left (i.e., "fell") and became Satan. Thus, if Lucifer/Satan is proven to actually exist by this encounter, then there must actually be a God and a heaven.
By its own definition, heaven will provide you with eternal happiness. That's what heaven is. There is no risk of being unhappy in heaven. In contrast, this contract will give you a very good shot at being very happy for a long time. Thus, going the pious route presents less risk (no chance of unhappiness) and greater reward (happiness forever, and not just until death, regardless of how long you may be able to delay it).
It's a no-brainer, really.
If, however, this creature was not really Satan/Lucifer, then this encounter does not prove the existence of God and Heaven, and all bets are off. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 3:03 AM Author: Stimulating therapy STFU. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199668) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:18 AM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke for a high enough discount rate, it may be rational to choose short-term happiness even at the expense of eternal damnation. not entirely a no-brainer. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6200967) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 12:16 PM Author: Adventurous Roommate Gay Wizard But there's no chance the discount rate is that high here. Some (though not I, mind you) would argue that the pious life can make you as happy as the life of fame and fortune promised under this contract while on this earth, and there can be no doubt that the damnation on the back end is certainly much worse than living piously up front. Plus, given human mortality, you are only foregoing 100 years tops before your eternal happiness kicks in under my plan.
So let's call it 100 years of minimal pain now for infinity years of immeasurable bliss starting 100 years from now versus a long but finite period of likely happiness followed by infinity years of immeasurable pain.
So, yes, still a no-brainer. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:14 PM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke from what we've learned, it doesn't sound like hell is immeasurable pain, since harry kettle informs us that satan is willing to increase his rations, etc. all we know is that it is more painful than alternatives, and it lasts forever. this is not enough information to discredit the possibility that kettle's discount rate could make it worthwhile.
also with the invulnerability, human mortality is not limited to 100 years. |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 12:26 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting This was similar to my own line of thought. Also, I'm not sure that I would be happy in Heaven, since it's custom-designed for saints. Walker's argument would make sense if I could be pious for 100 years and then have an eternal life of debauchery and power. Instead, the deal I'm offered on the Heaven side is to act like a saint, praising God for 100 years, only to die and spend eternity acting like a saint, praising God for eternity. The monotony annoys me. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6207575) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 7:28 AM Author: Titillating nubile halford Subject: I like this schtick My advice to you.
Pick (i) and (iv) from A. Mind reading will give you some invulnerability and you'll be able to steal other people's immortal contributions by dling to your Blackberry. (iv) gives you some strong charisma; people will be attracted to you anyway. (vi) is kinda cool, but also looks like it could get out of hand.
Pick (ii) and (iv) from B. With telekinesis, you will be able to do well in most sports, giving you even more charisma. (iv) will increase this, although I guess you could be seen as a smartass too.
The options in C suck. Pick (i) and (iii) because they are at least somewhat cool. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 11:28 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Subject: Thank you for the advice You seem both clever and devious, two qualities I admire very much. I will digest your advice, but will need to consider other contributions. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6192673) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:35 AM Author: violent crusty boltzmann TL, DR (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199192) |
Date: July 12th, 2006 6:42 AM Author: Aqua beady-eyed area Nice one doc - very entertaining as usual. Now I'm convinced more than ever that you are in dire need of a good shagging... call me? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6192106) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 11:51 AM Author: amethyst institution be careful about how much information you give here Satan posts here regularly, you know |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 12:00 PM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Satan advised me to come to this board for advice. He also wrote a detailed on what I could/could not reveal. He only mentioned minions who post here, but never directly indicated that he did post on xoxohth.
However, you speak like one who has met him. What's your general impression of him? Did you sign on? Is a signing bonus typically and if so, how much? What is the quality of life like as a servant of the Prince of Darkness? Any additional perks I should try to squeeze out of him before pricking my finger and sealing for all eternity my fate? |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 12:02 PM Author: amethyst institution he posts actively not sure which moniker/s he uses haven't met him, wouldn't want to good luck squeezing perks out of him: he plans on having your soul one way or another |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:03 PM Author: boyish famous landscape painting How do you know he posts actively here without knowing any of his monikers? Is this just a hearsay report?
Any reason for the dislike? He seemed like a pretty neat guy--questionable fashion sense and there was some stuttering at first, but overall we hit it off pretty well.
It's true my soul is a lost cause, a fact which distresses me a lot less than it probably should, but do you think I could leverage my ability to turn innocents to the dark side? I don't want to be a proxy tempter without adequate compensation. Besides, I've heard (admittedly unverified) stories about farmers managing to snag him on a technicality, so I thought I may as well give it a shot. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:00 PM Author: amethyst institution my bishop told me he posts here and to never look at this board again not exactly dislike, I just have no intention of meeting him in person if he's taking your soul anyways, take whatever abilities you can while you can also, you better plan on being a damn good fiddle player if you plan on getting him on a technicality (good luck) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:50 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Ah, well your Bishop is probably informed on these matters. Could you ask your Bishop if he'd be interested in turning his soul to service of evil? I realize that's rather blunt, but it would make getting three innocent souls a little easier. My suspicion, though, is that as a Bishop, he's already serving His Infernal Majesty.
Unfortunately, Article XIII closes off the fiddle option. Playing said instrument during negotiations constitutes Breach of Bad Faith and is punishable, depending on the severity of the final outcome. Still, I think I will take up the fiddle. Is this a recommendation for Magic Mind? |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:07 PM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke my guess is you could cash in on the powers for a few decades and then get that shit voided on public policy grounds.
not sure what jurisdiction you'd be in, though, so i guess it depends what your risk profile looks like. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:09 PM Author: filthy bawdyhouse So, in other words, aside from posting on xoxo, he/she is like a typical BIGLAW partner. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6193430) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:18 PM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Haven't known him long enough to compare him* vis a vis biglaw partners, but I think biglaw partners have better threads. Also, I'm sure partners wear shoes to hide their cloven hooves.
*My observations indicated that Satan was indeed male. However, he did occasionally speak in an effeminate tone and kept complaining about "that bitch Eve" (said in lisp), so gender's doubtful. I will continue to use the masculine pronoun until a conclusive counterexample, handled under proper evidentiary procedures (e.g., extensive chain of custody documentation), is provided. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:52 PM Author: at-the-ready parlour antidepressant drug Better check on the billables. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6194329) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:17 PM Author: Exciting poppy house Virginia Woolf. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6193494) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:21 PM Author: big opaque property ladyboy Virginia Woolf. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6193531) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:23 PM Author: light gas station Virginia Woolf. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6193552) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 1:49 PM Author: honey-headed lascivious stag film toilet seat Pretty simple..
CLASS A ii and iii Charisma - with the ability to make anyone irresistably attracted to you, you will have no problems in your love and business life (i.e. you'll be able to find a hottie to mooch off of easily) Invulnerability - Being immune to disease, injury, etc I'm going to take at face value - you will not get sick, you will not succumb to the disease of aging, you can not be killed. Essentially you become an immortal, thus preventing satan from taking your soul after death.
CLASS B ii and vi Flying and telekenisis. You won't need any of the others because you'll already have charisma and money.
CLASS C iii and iv You can already kick anyone's ass, so pyrophalanges isn't needed. You can already get Helen of Troy's due to your charisma, plus the negative isn't worth it, so ii's out. Knighthood is stupid; you can charm the old bitch, as is speak peace; who cares about peace? That leaves false face and dancing king.
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:11 PM Author: amethyst institution wrong, wrong, wrong
CLASS A (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting three innocent souls):
i) Mind-reading. very powerful in negotiating, etc. ii) Charisma. good, but you must be careful not to also create too many enemies iii) Invulnerability. very nice, but won't save your soul, there are other ways to die/lose you power, so be careful iv) Magic Mind. useless during your lifetime v) Midas Touch. takes too long, but can be helpful depending on your goals vi) Weatherman: cool, but not helpful in the longrun
CLASS B (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting two innocent souls):
i) Invisibility. don't fall for this one, it doesn't work when you most need it ii) Telekinesis: useful in more ways than imaginable iii) X-Ray vision: only useful for certain goals iv) I Started a Joke: Can get you in too much trouble and probably doesn't further your goals v) Open Sesame: will only be helpful with certain goals vi) Flying: is only helpful if you can keep you normal form
CLASS C (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting one innocent soul):
i) Pyrophalanges: cool ii) Helen of Troy: too may others have fallen for this and suffered the consequences iii) False Face: very useful iv) Dancing King: cool, but not useful enough v) Speak Peace: wtf? vi) Knighthood: worthless and overdone
In all Class A: i and ii Class B: ii and v Class C: i and iii
stick with these and you'll have the best chances overall |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:12 PM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke i think this is right, but with one quibble:
"Invulnerability - Being immune to disease, injury, etc I'm going to take at face value - you will not get sick, you will not succumb to the disease of aging, you can not be killed. Essentially you become an immortal, thus preventing satan from taking your soul after death."
i don't know about that. eventually the universe will die, and be it a big crunch or a heat death, i'm not sure trundling along at that point would be much more pleasant than hell anyway.
also, re: telekinesis: can you lift yourself into the air? against what is the object you lift being braced? if you lift a ton into the air, will you leave cracked footprints in the concrete by leveraging all that weight through the soles of your shoes? is the leverage somehow against the majority of the earth's mass? or are the laws of physics simply suspended such that systemic momentum is not preserved? if it's either of the latter two options and you can consequently lift yourself into and through the air, i might have to advise that one. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 3:07 PM Author: flesh pungent feces kitty You can get Helen of Troy and then kill yourself by speaking her name when that happens. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6194475) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 3:23 PM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke right, but of course you'd go right down the infernal chute when you did. my point is that physical invulnerability is probably not a good way to try to get out of paying the piper. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6194662) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:26 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting As I clarified below, there is an escape clause in the invulnerability section.
According to the footnote on telekinesis, the precise mechanism seems to operate this way: a legion of demons are assigned to lift whatever I please. However, because they are invisible and permeable, it will seems as if I am lifting something purely with my mind. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:00 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Your advice on Class A looks solid. And yes, invulnerability, from my reading of the contract, looks essentially like de facto immortality. There is an escape clause which allows me to summon the devil and opt for suicide (in fact, any of the powers can be irrevocably removed if I choose). The only caveat is that if I confront someone with Invulnerability as well, it comes down to who billed more souls for Satan.
I've talked to some other clients of Hell and the rumour is that Hitler received invulnerability during the First World War, which is why he wasn't killed in earlier assasination attempts. However, he chose the kill self option after realizing that Stalin also had invulnerability (in the ensuing battle, Hitler would have lost, having made fewer soul deposits). |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:36 AM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke i have often wondered about this. by most accounts, hitler's survival in the face of the various assassination attempts was indeed nothing short of miraculous. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6201114) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 12:09 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Now you know why. I think it would be interesting to audit the Hell accounts and see how various deals changed the course of history. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6207342) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:29 PM Author: Cracking bbw Just to clarify; do you have to corrupt the innocent souls before or after you receive the concurrent powers? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6194115) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:46 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting I need to make a down payment of 3 corrupted souls, one for each member of the Infernal Trinity. Then I receive the powers (their souls are mixed into the potion) and must then turn 3 others to darkness. If I fail to do so before my own time is up, there are additional penalities and interest charges added to my torments in hellfire. For example, my legacy would be ruined and any descendants I have would be cursed. There are some other punishments as well. On the other hand, seducing extra souls allows me to earn certain perks during my stay in the Inferno (extra exercise time, conjugal privileges, bigger rations, etc.).
This is the reverse of the usual situation, from what I understand, where uncontracted tempters of human souls are punished more severely (for dragging down innocents with them). However, Hell has a separate policy for persons selling their soul to the devil. It's a safety clause for people already going to Hell, to encourage them to acts of greater wickedness, which nourishes the demonic hosts even more. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 2:48 PM Author: at-the-ready parlour antidepressant drug Someone plays waaaaaayyyy too much DnD.
Otherwise, 180.
If you use magic mind, and decide to contribute to the field of theology, can you use that power to get a loophole to get out of the whole soul thing? |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:02 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Hmmm...the contract doesn't specify what the nature of the intellectual contribution would be. Martin Luther, I believe, tried a similar defense, but he is now roasting in Hell. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199357) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:07 AM Author: at-the-ready parlour antidepressant drug Clearly, the optimal strategy then is to insist on a codicil to the contract providing that you can fully determine the nature of your intellectual contribution to any given field. That way you can twist theology to get out of hell. Or, for that matter, law.
It might obviate the need for some of those other powers. For example, if you could make any contribution to physics that you wanted, you wouldn't need telekenisis... to say nothing of contributions to the field of logic. |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 2:52 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Satan could just refuse me. He might even decide to retract benefits, in which case I'm at a net loss. Since this event is highly probabilistic, this does not appear to be the optimal strategy. Indeed, it is doubtful whether you have heard of the words "optimal" or "strategy." This reminds me of George Costanza holding out on the NBC deal for less money. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208670) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 9:25 AM Author: at-the-ready parlour antidepressant drug Ambitionless weakling. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6209456) |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 3:11 PM Author: Maroon balding national digit ratio CLASS A (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting three innocent souls):
ii) Charisma. The power to make any person I choose irresistibly attracted to me. Can be calibrated to sexual, political, business, etc. needs.
iii) Invulnerability. Will be immune to disease, injury, poison, etc. with the power to defeat anyone in physical combat.
CLASS B (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting two innocent souls):
ii) Telekinesis: Will be able to move objects under one metric ton with my mind.
iv) I Started a Joke: Can make any witty bon mot instantly, making everyone laugh.
CLASS C (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting one innocent soul):
iii) False Face: Can become the body double of anyone I choose.
vi) Knighthood: Basically, receive an Order of the Garter from the reigning British Monarch.
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:28 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Interesting choices. What's the rationale behind this set and why the knighthood? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199455) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 10:49 AM Author: Maroon balding national digit ratio If you have charisma, telekenesis and false face, you can probably be successful in most fields you choose through sheer manipulation and trickery. Invulnerability helps ensure that you live long enough to reach the top. Knighthood gives you an air of respectability that helps people forget the dirty way you acheived your success. There are a lot of dogs in that category anyway - Helen of Troy sounds like a pain in the ass. Same rationale for I Started a Joke. It might help cover up your evil deeds with humor and at least does no harm - unlike Invisibility and Flying, for instance, seem like they'd eventually embarass you. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6200756) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:12 AM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke well there is a cost to each additional power, in that he has to find one, two, or three additional souls to corrupt. that sounds like kind of a pain. i might opt out of knighthood and the joke power for that reason. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6200924) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:28 AM Author: at-the-ready parlour antidepressant drug On the other hand, the corruption of other souls might not be a serious cost at all. Consider, for example, if he corrupts the souls of hot chicks with kinky sex. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6201056) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 11:47 AM Author: Maroon balding national digit ratio Ah, I didn't think of choosing less than the maximum number of powers.
Knighthood has its uses, though - I do think a person who's ruthlessly achieved success needs to find some way to gloss things over, and knighthood is cheaper than giving a shitload of money to charity. I might pass on the Joke power, though. |
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Date: July 12th, 2006 10:39 PM Author: Indigo Razzmatazz Home Brilliant thread.
CLASS A
ii) Charisma. The most fun.
iii) Invulnerability. Crucial if you want to keep having fun with these. Mind reading would be great too, but these two are better. I'd trade all of the B and Cs to get charisma, invulnerability, and mind reading.
CLASS B
(ii) Telekinesis.
(iii) X-Ray vision.
CLASS C
(iii) False Face. This is as good as invisibility.
(iv) Dancing King. Um, why not. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:29 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Unfortunately, I can't trade between categories, but yes, it does seem like charisma, invulnerabiity and mind reading would be the Triple Crown.
Why the X-Ray vision? Unique choice, so I'm wondering what the argument would be for this one. |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 4:34 AM Author: arousing locale laser beams he wants to put radiologists out of business. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6209188) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 9:13 AM Author: Indigo Razzmatazz Home Sounds fun. The locks thing would be nice too. But, yeah, I'm not that jazzed about it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6209411) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:36 AM Author: blue old irish cottage you better make sure there's consideration, or else it may be unenforceable. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199197) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:36 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Well, souls here are the currency being traded. Essentially, I'm offering X amount of souls for a particular service to be performed, so I'm pretty sure it's enforceable. Thanks for the tip, though. Have other infernal contracts been negated on these grounds? I can see a situation where someone says, "Your soul is worthless", which probably accounts for the decline in single-sale soul contracts. However, I'm also offering to soil pure, spotless souls, which obviously would be of some value to Hell's mission. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199490) |
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Date: November 30th, 2006 10:35 AM Author: Shivering Snowy Hospital Don't contract with Satan. The contract is unenforceable, because you can't get personal jurisdiction. See U. S. ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and his Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D. Pa. 1971).
"Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 U.S.C. § 241, 28 U.S.C. § 1343, and 42 U.S.C. § 1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights *283 in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall.
"Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.
"We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis must be denied. Even if plaintiff's complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court. We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district. While the official reports disclose no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff. The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case we are unable to determine at this time.
"If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed.R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.
"We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.
"For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.
"It is ordered that the complaint be given a miscellaneous docket number and leave to proceed in forma pauperis be denied."
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Date: November 30th, 2006 10:54 AM Author: diverse violent location Only in American courts. Contracts with me are handled under Vatican law, courtesy of the Devil's Advocate. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7101503) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:46 AM Author: Plum comical range wrinkle HAHHAHAHA well done. here are my suggestions:
CLASS A
i) Mind-reading. When I choose, I can hear people's secret thoughts or have them downloaded to my Blackberry.
ii) Charisma. The power to make any person I choose irresistibly attracted to me. Can be calibrated to sexual, political, business, etc. needs.
CLASS B (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting two innocent souls):
i) Invisibility. Vanish from sight at will. Will have to become naked for this to fully work.
iv) I Started a Joke: Can make any witty bon mot instantly, making everyone laugh.
CLASS C (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting one innocent soul):
iii) False Face: Can become the body double of anyone I choose.
iv) Dancing King: Dominate any dance floor impressively.
very good thread. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:41 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Thank you. I appreciate the advice. What would be the main advantage of this combination? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199531) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 3:16 AM Author: Plum comical range wrinkle well, to be able to read anyone's mind always comes in handy, especially when you're trying to decide which friends to keep. and to be without charisma is to be without women, which is a fate worse than torture at the hands of gay arab men. charisma also has other benefits, such as being able to get people to give you money. (E.g, READ THIS: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11811919/ .) invisibility would be good to get out of tight, illegal situations which might arise due to your electric charisma. and i love wit. everyone loves wit. and i've always felt sorry for white men who couldn't dance. what a life. and the benefits of the false face are pretty self evident - but in case they aren't, think John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208842) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:59 AM Author: fragrant place of business This may be the best thread in xoxo history. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199323) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:44 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Thank you. This contributes to my egotistical conception of myself greatly. I appreciate it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199550) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 12:35 AM Author: fragrant place of business I am 174, by the way. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6207669) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 1:11 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting If this is true, may I say it's an honor to meet a fellow client of His Infernal Majesty. How is your contract going? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208004) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 2:59 AM Author: fragrant place of business Fairly well...details cannot be revealed in public but suffice it to say that my soul was a small price. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208720) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 3:06 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Obviously I wouldn't dream of violating the confidentiality clause of your devil's bargain (unless it served my explicit self-interest)--the essential point that the soul is indeed less important than commonly thought is very encouraging to me. I realize also that it is necessary for you, as an interested party, to recuse yourself from a more specific advisorial role.
To take a completely unrelated case, suppose a hypothetical person were to receive the terms as outlined above. Hypothetically speaking, what would be the most advantageous course for amassing the most debauchery and power? |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 3:08 AM Author: fragrant place of business Asian chicks. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208793) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:21 AM Author: Zippy milk Subject: World conquest build CLASS A: i) Mind-reading. When I choose, I can hear people's secret thoughts or have them downloaded to my Blackberry.
iii) Invulnerability. Will be immune to disease, injury, poison, etc. with the power to defeat anyone in physical combat.
CLASS B: ii) Telekinesis: Will be able to move objects under one metric ton with my mind.
vi) Flying: Turn into a bald eagle at will and fly. Resume human form once claws touch the ground.
CLASS C: i) Pyrophalanges: Ability to shoot fire from my fingers.
iii) False Face: Can become the body double of anyone I choose.
The gist of this build is to facilitate world conquest. Invulnerability for obvious reasons; mind-reading to ensure a loyal government and extraordinary knowledge of how humans operate, and perhaps a great way to establish yourself as a supremely just god-king. Telekinesis for feats of military and theatrical use; flying also of practical use (escape, ease of transport, entertainment). Pyrophalanges for military and theatrical use. False face to mingle among the masses and subterfuge. |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:50 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Yes, world conquest does seems like an excellent goal. I like how your combinations work in synch with each other to the overall goal. The surveillance powers of mind-reading would be awesome as well, and the idea of becoming a god-king is very appealing. I'm only concerned about the workload. With Charisma, I could have mindless slaves at will, but with mind-reading, I'd need to collect, process, and analyze lots of data to keep the world running smoothly. I suppose that could be more fun. Also, I think it would be awesome to know what Wall Street is thinking when playing the stocks. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199598) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 3:00 AM Author: Zippy milk I think charisma can be problematic because even though you may be able to charm anyone to work for you, and perhaps even ensure a great deal of loyalty, you're missing out on very important pieces of information. Are your subordinates lying to you? What do they think of each other? Themselves? Do they actually have a clue what they're talking about? You can perfectly interrogate any insurgents, too. Most importantly, mind reading gives you a completely new information--almost like acquiring a wholly new sense. The things you'll learn about people will surely inform you for the better. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199652) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 1:16 PM Author: Maroon balding national digit ratio I think mind-reading could also make you paranoid to the point of insanity, though. Almost all of us have had terrible, unkind, disloyal, and sometimes untrue thoughts about people we've continued to care about and be loyal to. I think if we knew all of them, it would be impossible to develop any sort of ongoing relationships with other people. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6201956) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 12:03 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting On the other hand, I hate people and don't care to develop ongoing relationship with other people (at least none which do not explicitly serve my own self-interest). Even without mind reading, I'm already quite cynical and paranoid. It would be nice to at least be cynical, paranoid, and correct.
But I see your point if this damages my ability to rationally assess the value of a given random thought. |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 2:36 AM Author: Zippy milk I disagree. Most people would go through a very rough transition, being the shallow types, and some may even indeed be warped to the point of permanent damage, but on the whole I think most well-adjusted people would learn to adjust. You can't take everything personally when you realize that everyone is the same way. I think, though, that there are some people who are genuinely nice, and with mindreading, you could pluck and hoard these rare diamonds. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208534) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 2:53 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting For the record, I like your analysis of how Mind Reading outweighs Charisma because it ensures accurate intelligence. I don't want to be surrounded by Baghdad Bobs who are so enamoured with me that they declare that no American troops have entered the city.
On the other hand, I think your presumption that I am "well-adjusted" is somewhat pretentious. |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 3:34 AM Author: Zippy milk Lack of clarity on my part. I'm talking about the mind-reading ability applied to the general population and was talking about its consequences very broadly. There are exceptions--cynical, paranoid people, which you and I are, etc. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6208950) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 2:56 AM Author: Disgusting erotic resort my advice: enter into a memorandum of understanding first that allows you to experiment with each of the traits. Meanwhile, enter into side-negotiations with God for a angel-sainthood benefits package. Then, threaten to back out of the deal unless Satan allows you to keep your own soul while simply corrupting others. If Satan balks, you walk with God. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199633) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 3:07 AM Author: Adventurous Roommate Gay Wizard An excellent strategy. No possible losing scenario. Well done. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6199682) |
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Date: July 13th, 2006 10:39 AM Author: avocado wonderful center yarmulke i doubt god would be this accommodating. he knows that your best alternative to negotiated agreement is pretty shitty and therefore has no reason to go out on a limb for you. and frankly he may be pretty insulted that you aren't already grateful enough for his standing offer of eternal salvation and withdraw even that, which would leave you damned and without cool powers -- by all measures, the worst possible scenario. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6200700) |
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Date: July 14th, 2006 12:22 AM Author: boyish famous landscape painting Yes, God already comes equipped with Mind Reading and would know that my motives were insincere. Furthermore, I'm not sure I would be happy with eternal salvation. I get a harp and....? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#6207534) |
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Date: March 23rd, 2007 11:21 AM Author: Disgusting erotic resort You're not correctly weighing God and Satan's incentives. For both of them, a single soul is incredibly valuable. That is the best leverage the OP has. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7802665) |
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Date: November 30th, 2006 8:08 AM Author: Well-lubricated glittery stage I cannot believe there was actually a search result for "Satan". (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7101057) |
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Date: November 30th, 2006 8:13 AM Author: Zippy milk Sweet thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7101062) |
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Date: November 30th, 2006 12:26 PM Author: aromatic genital piercing Watch for an Integration Clause. Satan has been known to make oral promises then not follow through on the promises, citing an integration clause.
Also, may want to include a waiver of personal jurisdiction in case of breach. For a great discussion on this, please read: 54 F.R.D. 282. |
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Date: March 23rd, 2007 1:28 PM Author: Orchid Vivacious Messiness Subject: PUT IN A NO-SODOMY CLAUSE check the fine print--any conceivable breach includes a mandatory eternal sodomy session (you catch, HE pitches) as liquidated damages.
you wrote: I saw with horror what happened to those who did not choose wisely. The names struck me cold to the heart: Abraham Lincoln. George Eliot. Susan B. Anthony. Theodore Roosevelt. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Virginia Woolf. Adolf Hitler. Joseph Stalin. Joseph Kennedy. Virginia Woolf. Mahatma Ghandi. Albert Einstein. Strom Thurmond. Richard Nixon. Jiang Qing. Margaret Thatcher. Virginia Woolf. Bill Gates. John Roberts. Tiger Woods. Michelle Wie. Pope Benedict XVI. Virginia Woolf. The entire Clinton family. The entire Bush family. Angelina Jolie. Adriana Lima. 174. Virginia Woolf.
//////////////
english lit major, huh?
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Date: March 23rd, 2007 2:12 PM Author: Fiercely-loyal painfully honest organic girlfriend abode one of the best threads on autoadmit (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7803426) |
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Date: March 23rd, 2007 3:28 PM Author: irradiated green parlor Subject: public policy grounds "my guess is you could cash in on the powers for a few decades and then get that shit voided on public policy grounds."
I think having exercised the beneficial powers earned under the contract that you would be equitably estopped from claiming a public policy rational for voiding the contract. |
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Date: March 23rd, 2007 3:33 PM Author: disturbing mind-boggling cruise ship ty I had forgotten about this gem (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#7803932) |
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Date: October 2nd, 2007 3:35 PM Author: obsidian yapping field faggot firefighter bump in place of bumping a xoxodungeonmastter thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#8718403) |
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Date: October 2nd, 2007 3:44 PM Author: Hyperventilating Menage CLASS A (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting three innocent souls):
Invulnerability is a must, since I want to live to actually enjoy my accomplishments. Also Charisma. Midas Touch is tempting, but with Charisma and the psychic powers in Class B I think I can do that anyway.
CLASS B (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting two innocent souls):
Telekinesis and X-Ray Vision. I could probably make a lot of money with these two traits, and the others are useless or potentially very embarrassing in any case..
CLASS C (Maximum of 2 choices; each choice requires corrupting one innocent soul):
False Face, and since it’s only one soul, Knighthood.
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Date: October 2nd, 2007 3:54 PM Author: Naked Sickened Pervert Class A:
1.Invulnerability: Seems like the best choice out of all the categories. Even if you fuck up your nefarious schemes, you have raw power to fall back on and you can't be touched by your (likely many) enemies.
2.Mind-reading: Charisma, Magic Mind, and Midas Touch all seem like good choices, but I think I will be able to mimic a lot of these through mind reading -- knowing what motivates people, stealing good literary or artistic ideas, stealing good business ideas or market knowledge.
CLASS B
1.Telekinesis: Perfect raw power complement to invulnerability.
2.Flying: Easy way to get around fast and to observe stealthily. Unlike invisibility doesn't require nudity.
Class C
1.False Face: Combination of mind-reading and false face wil l make it possible to manipulate almost anybody into doing your bidding.
2.Dancing king: the other traits in this category seem kind of pointless. This could be fun and will help boost up any deficiencies I have from failing to choose charisma; a good dancer can often impress.
I think my combination of mind reading and false face would make it possible to get the number of souls I need in a matter of a few days. Simply read somebody's mind; figure out who they love most; then appear as that person and indicate that in order to save them, they need to sell their soul. Easy money.
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Date: October 2nd, 2007 4:19 PM Author: Hyperventilating Menage That's a good plan.
I'd figured that with Charisma, Telekinesis, X-Ray Vision and False Face I could easily set myself up as the leader of a small cult (hell, I only need a dozen souls) under a fake identity. Convince them I'm Satan or Jesus or whoever, get them to sign over their souls, prompt them to commit suicide quietly, and go back to my real life. |
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Date: January 7th, 2008 12:57 PM Author: Motley coiffed state (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=452510&forum_id=2#9126028) |