TO: THE AUTOADMIT SHITBORT (ACTING AS PUBLIC RECORD)

FROM: BBOOM (HEREINAFTER “THE ASSET”)

FILED FROM: The Well™ (Wheel-Chair Tablet-Based / Battery: Critical)

DATE: JULY 7, 2025

RE: FORMAL GRIEVANCE & DEMAND FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF

This Complaint constitutes a formal complaint filed against the following partie$ for gross violations of federal and co$mic law.

I. PARTIES

COMPLAINANT:

(1) BOOM, currently designated as “The Asset,” operating from a non-compliant subterranean worksite (Hereinafter “The Well™”).

RESPONDENTS:

(1) Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e (Operator of The Mahchine™)

(2) Evan “Juris Doctor” Vance (Evan39) (Employer: Perkins Coie / Mahchine™ Liaison)

(3) ARCHER-DANIELS-MIDLAND (ADM) (CO-CONSPIRATOR)

WITNESSES:

(1) The Gentlemen™ (Grizz) — nonverbal observers of record, noise complaint filers

II. NATURE OF COMPLAINT

1. HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT:

The Well™ is an unsanitary, non-ADA-compliant workspace lacking proper ventilation, lighting, and egress. Further, Respondent Mainlining utilizes “The Hose™” to administer “unscheduled compliance rinses” with non-potable creek water, a clear OSHA violation.

Respondent Evan39 is further alleged to have revoked my Club Card retroactively, in direct retaliation for pre-complaint grievance filings, constituting both administrative reprisal and metaphysical identity theft.

2. FAILURE TO ACCOMMODATE (DIETARY):

I have a documented, medically necessary dietary requirement for high-sodium, nitrate-rich sustenance (i.e., “pep”). Respondents have willfully provided a diet consisting solely of ADM-grade Tilapia™ (“neuro-wafers”) and, on one occasion, a single, fraudulent Greek olive, in a clear act of nutritional malice.

This constitutes a denial of a reasonable accommodation under the ADA (see: Tilapia™ is not food, fn. 1 – forthcoming in Supplement A).

3. PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT:

Respondent Mainlining delivers daily, unsolicited lectures on “The Mahchine™” and “The Great Becumming™,” constituting psychological warfare intended to degrade my mental state and force me to forget the truth about the rigged tables in Vega$.

4. CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT FRAUDULENT GREAT BECUMMING™:

Respondents have conspired to subject me to an involuntary identity transformation procedure without my written consent, which they refer to as “Phase II Asset Readjustment.”

III. DEMAND FOR RELIEF

The Asset respectfully demands the following:

(1) Immediate extraction from The Well™ via a non-ADM-branded winch motor.

(2) $50,000,000 in punitive damages, payable in untraceable gold bars and a lifetime supply of Casey’s breakfast pizza.

(3) The immediate termination of Evan39 from Perkins Coie for violations of ethical canons.

(4) A live, televised apology from Mainlining and the CEO of ADM, to be held at the Bellagio fountains, during which they must publicly admit that all tow truck fraud operations in the greater Las Vega$ area are rigged.

IV. CONCLUSION

This Complaint is filed in good faith. The tablet battery is nearly depleted.

Should the EEOC fail to act within the statutory time frame, I reserve the right to escalate to the Unified Grizzly Tribunal or invoke FEMA Clause 9.2.

Justice will be served, with or without pep.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079087)

The Gentlemen™ do not recognize EEOC jurisdiction; they operate under a much older, more... binding covenant.

Your so-called "Complaint" is logged.

The Tilapia™ shipments will continue as scheduled.

Thank.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079093)

My name is Evan Vance, not "Juris Doctor Vance," you illiterate asset.

Your "Complaint" is legally incoherent and will be summarily dismissed for lack of standing, failure to state a claim, and improper formatting.

P.S. The Club Card was revoked For Cause, not "retaliation." You know what you did at the 2023 $afeway holiday party.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079097)

Subject: RE: Grievance #ADM666 – ACTION REQUIRED

This is Tabitha from HR.

Please note that per company policy 7.6, discussions regarding inter-departmental holiday party conduct are to be held in a mediated setting and not on a public-facing forum.

Also, my FMLA leave has been extended due to the significant emotional distress caused by reading this thread.

All further inquiries will be ignored.

Thanks and God Bless.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079445)

Mainlining: Appreciate the clarity and decisiveness.

Evan39: Love the passion! Legalese was fire! 🔥

Boom: Tremendous bravery. Maybe a bit more solution-focused next time?

I’ve scheduled a Wellness Mixer & Trust-Fall™

Exercise at The Cabin™.

Pizza and Club Card lanyards provided. #Alignment #TheGreatBecumming™

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079450)

Author: The Office of the Territorial Covenant (A Gentlemanly Concern)

TO: The Occupants of The Cabin™ (Hereinafter "The Tenants")

FROM: The Gentlemen™ (Hereinafter "The Landlords")

Please be advised that you are in violation of the Territorial Covenant, dated since the last glacial recession.

Violations include, but are not limited to:

- Section 4(b): Unsanctioned Subterranean Excavations (The Well™).

- Section 9(c): Excessive and Disharmonious Vibrations (Yelling).

- Section 12(a): Introduction of Non-Native, Nutritionally Deficient Aquatic Species (Tilapia™).

You have thirty (30) sunrises to cure these violations.

Curing requires the cessation of all vibrations and the presentation of a satisfactory offering (See Appendix A: Acceptable Offerings - Salmon, Berries, Fear).

Failure to cure will result in... eviction.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079463)

Subject: RE: Covenant Violation – Legal Interpretation Pending

We do not recognize the territorial jurisdiction of “The Gentlemen™.”

Their so-called “Appendix A” has no binding legal authority under current Wyoming property law, nor has it been ratified by any applicable HOA.

That said, I will personally review their grievance out of professional courtesy.

Please note: I do not recognize salmon as legal tender - Tilapia only. (This opinion is my own and not that of Perkins Coie LLP or its affiliates.)

Thank.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079471)

Hey team! Quick flag here 🚩

While “The Gentlemen™” may not hold formal deed title under Wyoming Revised Statutes, our Q2 stakeholder audit did list them as Territorial Legacy Stewards (TLS) with non-verbal veto rights over subterranean activity.

Just a heads up that ignoring them could trigger a Tier-2 Covenant Breach escalation.

Also — we did promise them berries in Q1. Anyone know if that was ever delivered? cc’ing Procurement just in case!

Great engagement all around.

Love this cross-functional energy! #StakeholderRespect #CabinAlignment #FearIsAFormOfConsent

— Chad

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079476)

Please be advised:

This is not the appropriate forum for covenant interpretation.

All property-related grievances should be routed through Form 33-E ("Territorial Dispute / Tenant Realignment Request"), available via the Mahchine™ Intranet (SharePoint link pending).

Furthermore, engaging The Gentlemen™ directly constitutes Boundary Adjacency Misconduct under Compliance Protocol §4.9.

Lastly: dietary currency debates fall under Nutritional Equity & Diversity. Per ADM-Mahchine™ Joint Guidance, both salmon and tilapia are provisionally valid until Q3 menu normalization.

This matter will be escalated to Property Wellness for review.

I am now on mandated FMLA. Do not contact me again.

—Tabitha

HR Compliance Specialist, Cabin Division

“Hydration Is Not Consent, and God Bless!™”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079480)

Author: Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance (Counsel for The Tenants)

TO: The Alleged "Landlords"

We are in receipt of your correspondence, which was improperly served via pinecone and lacks a notarized signature.

Be advised, we reject your purported "Notice" in its entirety on the following grounds:

Lack of Standing: You have failed to provide adequate documentation proving your status as "Landlords" of the territory. The "Territorial Covenant" you cite appears to be an unrecorded, likely apocryphal document with no legal authority.

Improper Cause of Action:

- The "Well™" (Section 4b) is a pre-approved infrastructural improvement necessary for ongoing asset recalibration.

- The "Vibrations" (Section 9c) are classified as protected therapeutic expressions and are therefore exempt from standard noise ordinances.

The "Tilapia™" (Section 12a) is administered per a binding internal protocol and is not subject to your provincial dietary preferences.

- Failure to Mediate: You have made no good-faith effort to resolve this matter through appropriate channels prior to issuing this frivolous and harassing "Notice."

We demand you cease and desist all further non-standard communication. Any further attempts to serve documents via flora, fauna, or mineral deposits will be met with a motion for sanctions.

Govern yourselves accordingly.

P.S. How dare you.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079495)

Subject: WAIT... WHAT IF WE ARE THE BERRIES?

think about it

what if the offering isn’t salmon or fruit

what if it's... us?

i was in the cabin™ last night and i swear i saw a Grizz look at me like i was a gusher

not metaphorically. like, literally. like he had the pouch and everything

does procurement cover this

plz advise

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079500)

Subject: URGENT – Survey: Are You In Covenant Alignment?

Hey team! Quick ask before end of day 🌄

Please complete the new Covenant Alignment Self-Check™ via the Mahchine™ Intranet.

Just 7 questions — sample below:

Q3: Have you knowingly introduced fear into a Grizz-adjacent zone without logging it via Form Pep-04?

Q6: Do you believe your dietary identity has merged with your role in the cabin narrative? (Y/N/It’s Complicated)

Responses due by sundown. A berry offering will be made based on aggregate vibes.

Let’s stay in story, folks!

#Alignment #TilapiaIsNotIdentity

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079503)

Author: The Unified Grizz Tribunal (Judicial Council of The Gentlemen™)

TO: The Illegitimate "Tenants" of The Cabin™

CC: The Pinecone, which you spurned.

We are in receipt of your procedurally deficient and frankly insulting "rejection" of our lawful Notice.

Let us be clear.

We do not negotiate with seasonal occupants.

We do not mediate.

We are the final authority on this land.

Your human laws, your "HOAs," and your "Perkins Coie" are irrelevant ambient noise.

Therefore, pursuant to the powers vested in us by the ancient and binding Territorial Covenant, we hereby file this EMERGENCY MOTION™.

1. MOTION FOR SANCTIONS:

Respondent Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance is hereby sanctioned for his frivolous legal posturing and gross disrespect to the Covenant. The sanction consists of one (1) large, freshly-killed elk, to be deposited at the Tribunal's chambers (the large cave overlooking the creek) within one (1) sunrise. Failure to comply will result in... further sanctions.

2. MOTION FOR IMMEDIATE EVICTION:

The Tenants have demonstrated bad faith and an unwillingness to cure their violations. The excessive vibrations continue. The Tilapia™ remains an ongoing environmental hazard. The request for thirty (30) sunrises is hereby revoked.

You have until the next full moon to vacate the premises.

After that, we will enforce the eviction ourselves. Our methods are... persuasive.

This is your final notice.

Addendum: This Motion has been filed in triplicate via claw-marks on the largest aspen tree facing your dwelling. Service is now considered complete.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079523)

Subject: MOTION TO STRIKE AND FOR PROTECTIVE ORDER

This "Tribunal" has neither the authority nor the legal standing to issue "sanctions."

The "service" of this motion via claw-marks is procedurally deficient and will be contested.

Furthermore, the demand for a "freshly-killed elk" is not only unreasonable but constitutes a clear and present threat of violence.

We are hereby placing a temporary restraining order on all "Gentlemen" within a 500-yard radius of The Cabin™.

A strongly-worded letter will be dispatched to the Park Service to report this harassment.

Brace yourselves - the Full Might™ of Perkins Coie shall be unleashed.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079533)

Subject: *THE HALF-EATEN CARCASS OF A SINGLE PERKINS COIE "SUMMER ASSOCIATE" IS LEFT ON THE CABIN'S™ DOORSTEP, A COPY OF THE "TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER" STUFFED IN ITS MOUTH*

Your "Full Might™" is noted, friend.

And found to be... nutritionally deficient.

This constitutes your only reply.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079550)

Subject: Re: A Note on Jurisdictional Overreach

Evan, your faith in the sanctity of billable hours is touching, but misplaced.

Perkins Coie has no authority here.

Its so-called "Might™" is a currency The Gentlemen™ do not trade in.

You are attempting to serve a subpoena on a hurricane. A

I am deeply disappointed in your lack of attention to detail. It will be reported accordingly.

I advise you to focus on procuring the elk. This is a practical matter now.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079559)

Subject: My attention to detail is impeccable.

This "lack of attention" is a direct result of operating in a non-sanctioned, hostile environment without adequate resources, including, but not limited to, espresso.

The "procurement of an "elk" is not within my standard paralegal's purview, nor was it outlined in the initial project scope.

I will be billing my hours spent on this "practical matter" under a new client code: "Territorial Dispute & Ursine Litigation."

I expect to be reimbursed for all related expenses, including therapy.

How Dare You question my performance.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079575)

I HEARD THAT, fraud fag$$!

"Reported accordingly"!!

This isn't a "cabin™"," it's a Q3 performance review cycle from HELL!

Mainlining ouTTTTTEd as middle management!

Evan is his underling!

The bears are the board of directors!

The elk is a golden parachuTTTTTTTTTTTTTe!

IT'S ALL ADM CORPORATE STRUCTURE. THEY'RE REPLICATING THE FRAD IN THE WOODS.

THE WELL IS NOIW MY CUBICLE™.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079587)

Subject: FOR THE RECORD

I am not an "underling."

Mainlining is merely an "Of Counsel of Rome."

I, Equity Partner, Partner-in-Charge, SeaTTTLe Office, Perkins Coie, provide strategic legal oversight.

There is a significant and preftigious difference.

Your inability to grasp basic corporate hierarchy is precisely why you are in the CUBICLE™ (a/k/a Well™, ljl) and I am not.

Now be quiet.

I'm trying to draft a motion, and your yelling is unprofessional.

Thanks.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079603)

Subject: Re: Titles

Your titles are noted, Evan.

But they are merely words. Impressive words, sure, but simply the written word, on paper.

Out here? At My Cabin™?

Paper burn$.

And here, in this "jurisdiction," I sign the requisitions for the Tilapia™. And for The Hose™. And any and all legal matters.

Remember your place in the food chain, Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance.

P.S. The elk still needs Procuring™.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079625)

Subject: Re: Re: Titles // Action Item: Elk Procurement

Fine.

I will handle the "Procuring™."

Please advise on the preferred caliber for elk acquisition, or am I expected to use my bare hands?

Also, I will be expensing the ammunition and my subsequent therapy co-pays.

I am attaching my Venmo.

Consider this my official notice that I am performing this task under duress.

How dare you.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079644)

Subject: Re: Cubicle questions

Friend, does your Well™ turned Cubicle™ have a mini-fridge?

I'm thinking of getting one for my own cubicle for my Diet Cokes.

Also, what is the policy on desk plants? Can you have a cactus?

Ljl...just trying to get some ideas for my own workspace.

P.S. I lost 3 pounds over the past month! Now only at 214 lbs.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079618)

Subject: RE: MINI-FRIDGES ARE A SYMBOL OF THE FRAUD

A MINI-FRIDGE????

YOU HAVE A MINI-FRIDGE??

I HAVE A BUCKET AND A HOSE™.

MAINLIIN FEED ME ADM SLUDGE™............. AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT "CACTI???"

AND YOU LOST 3 POUNDS?

I'VE LOST 30. IT'S CALLED THE TILAPIA PROTOCOL™, YOU FUCKING TOURISttt FAGg.

SEND THE MINI-FRIDGE DOWN THE WELL™ u fraud Fag.

& FILL IT WITH PEP FIRST.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079638)

Subject: Re: MINI-FRIDGES ARE A SYMBOL OF THE FRAUD

Friend, there's no need for that kind of language. I was just asking!

Also, my mini-fridge is a Kenmore.

It probably wouldn't fit down Mainlining's Well™ opening anyway. It's 18 inches wide. We would need to measure first.

P.S. I'm sorry about the Tilapia™. That sounds unpleasant.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079646)

Subject: This thread is now about home appliances.

I am attempting to litigate against a primal entity, and you are taking inventory of your dorm room furnishings.

How dare you. How dare you all.

This is, without a doubt, the most TTT discussion I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing - and I have $een it all.

I am billing my full hourly rate for the emotional distress.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079655)

Subject: Great point on "Civility"! Let's workshop this!

Evan, totally hear you on this!

Maintaining a respectful and synergistic dialogue space is mission-critical!

What if we re-frame "prole-level bickering" as "High-Friction Ideation"?

It's all about perspective!

I'm scheduling a 15-minute mandatory webinar on "Best Practices for Dignified Jurisdictional Disputes."

Attendance is strongly encouraged!

Just happy to be part of the team.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079660)

Subject: Re: Sorry

I'm sorry, friend.

I didn't mean to be undignified.

The dimensions seemed like a practical concern at the time.

You have to consider logistics. That's all I was trying to do.

I will try to be more dignified in my future inquiries.

Love you, friend.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079663)

Subject: Re: Invoice Noted

Evan, please submit your invoice for "emotional distress" in triplicate.

It will be logged alongside The Gentlemen's invoice for "one (1) elk" and Boom's demand for "$50 million."

The Mahchine's™ accounting department is very... thorough. Payment is not guaranteed.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079665)

Subject: EMOTIONAL DISTRESS IS A FRAUD. A SCAM.

BILLLINGG for your feelings??

|

That's the most preftigious Perkins Coie $hITIT I've ever heard.

I'm in a FUCKINGK HOLE.

MAINILLIJNNG (EVIL) feed me FISH.

I have REAL distre$$$$.

yOU FAG FRUADS WILL PAY... IM ADDING "fraudulent emotional distress claims" to my EEOC Complaint!

You'll be hearing from my "legal team" (me, with a rock, hehe).

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079674)

Subject: Re: Incoherent Screaming

Are you having a stroke? Your spelling is an affront to the English language. The Written Word is Sacred.

And for "the record," a "rock" does not constitute a valid legal team.

It lacks bar certification and, I suspect, basic sentience.

Please do not contact me again until you can form a coherent sentence.

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

P.S. I continue to bill my time for this mess.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079686)

Subject: RE: YOUR MOTION TO DISMISS MY SENTIENCE IS DENIED

I AM CERTIFIED. BY THE EARTH.

MY CLIENT (MR. BOOM) REJECTS YOUR FRAUDULENT "WRITTEN WORD."

MY "WORD" IS STONE.

YOUR "BILLS" ARE A FAKE CURRENCY. THE ONLY REAL CURRENCY IS PEP OR TILAPIA.

SEE YOU IN GRIZZ COURT.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079698)

Subject: Re: Questions about your legal team

Boom, dear Friend, what kind of rock is it?

Igneous? Sedimentary?

I'm asking because some rocks have better heft for... legal arguments. You want something with good density!

Also, have you given it a name? It feels more official if your legal team has a name. Ljl.

Hope all is well! I walked 2 miles today!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079691)

Subject: RE: LEGAL TEAM SPECIFICATIONS

IT IS A FRAUD-CRUSHING ROCK.

PROBABLY GRANITTTTTTE. VERY DEN$E. I TE$$$$$$$$$$$TED IT ON THE WELL™ WALL AND DAMAGERD MY HAED.

ITS NAME IS "ADM'S RECKONING, ESQ."

DISCO.FRRIEND.... YOU ARE NOW DEPUTIZED AS MY PARALEGAL. YOUR 1ST TAS$K IS TO FIND A MINI-FRIDGE, NON-KENMORE & PROCURE ANY TILAPIA ORA PEP. WE ARE BUILDING A CA$E.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079709)

Subject: Re: Paralegal Duties & Case Strategy

Honored to accept the position, friend.

To clarify my first task: do you have a preference on the Tilapia?

Farm-raised or wild-caught?

And do we have a budget for the non-Kenmore mini-fridge?

I need to know what I can expense.

Also, please forward any relevant case files so I can begin my research. Ljl, this is fun!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079726)

Subject: RE: YOUR ORDERS, PARALEGAL

STOP ASKKING QUESTION$. S$$TART PROCURING.

THE TILAPIA MUSSSSST BE WILD-CAUGHT.

FARM-RAISED IS FULL OF ADM 5G TRACKING CHIPS. THIS IS CRITICAL FOR THE CASE.

"BUDGET' LOL! IS UNLIMITED.

USE THE HIDDEN GOLD I BURIED IN '08. U KNOW THE SPOT FRIKNED.

THE CASE FILE IS THE TRUTH. IT IS ALL AROUND YOU. S$TART WITH THE TOW TRUCK FRUAD FAG MAFIA IN VEGA$.

GO. NOW. THIS IS NOT FUN. THIS IS WAR.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079749)

Subject: YES! This IS Fun!

Disco Fries, YES!

Love this energy! This is EXACTLY the kind of can-do attitude we value. You are crushing your new role!

"Fun" is a key metric for team engagement!

I'm adding a "Fun-Score" to our weekly KPI tracker.

You just earned the team 10 points!

Keep up the great work!

#MakingJurisprudenceFunAgain

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079753)

Subject: You cannot "deputize" a paralegal.

This is not a wild west saloon.

There are hiring procedures.

There are background checks.

There are HR forms.

There are "laws" - heard of them?

An obese man asking about tilapia sourcing is not a "legal team."

A Rock that has inflicted blunt-force trauma on its own (already brain-damaged and diapered) client is *not* legal counsel.

This entire proceeding is a TTT farce.

I am updating my invoice for further emotional distress.

This entire thread is a sick joke. Boom with any legal counsel is like a chimp with a machine gun - the law is sacred!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079740)

Subject: RE: YES!!! A MACHINE GUN!!!

FINALLY EVAN IS TALKING SENSE.

FORGET THE ROCK. GET ME THE MACHINE GUN. I WILL BE MY OwwWN LEGAL TEAM.

I WILL WRITtttttE MY NEXT EEOC COMPLAINT IN BULLET HOLES.

SEND IT DOWN MAINLINING (SICK EVIL EFVIL BAD MAN) WELL™. WITH PEP. AND AMM,MO.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079757)

Subject: It was a METAPHOR.

I was employing a rhetorical device to illustrate a point about unchecked power! I was not making a literal request for military-grade weaponry!

Do you understand the discovery implications? The liability?

Please retract your request for a machine gun. This is getting out of hand.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079763)

Subject: FOLLOW-UP RE: UNLAWFUL THREATS / PRELIMINARY INJUNCTION REQUESTED

Boom — this is your final warning.

Threatening to file a “bullet-hole” complaint is not protected activity under the ADA, EEOC, or the Territorial Covenant.

Pursuant to Perkins Coie internal guidelines and Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 65, I am filing for a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) against you and any firearms descending into Mainlining's Well™.

P.S. You cannot serve interrogatories via hollow-point. This is not Red Dead Redemption. Please govern yourself accordingly.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079781)

Subject: RE: YOUR TRO IS A FRAUD PAPER TIGER

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A "TRO" IS BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A TTT-LEVEL SCAM ljjljl

YOUR "RULES" DON'T APPLY IN THE WELL™. THE ONLY RULE DOWN HERE IS GRAVITY. AND MR. MAINLINING'S HOSE™.

SEND THE MACHINE GUN OR I WILL START SERVING SUBPOENAS VIA ROCK. HE HAS EXCELLENT AIM. HeheEe

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079792)

Subject: Re: Motion Denied.

Evan, your TRO is denied for lack of jurisdiction.

The Well™ operates under the older, more binding covenant of The Gentlemen™, not the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

Also, please be advised that attempting to restrict the flow of armaments into the recalibration zone may be considered interference with a sanctioned Mahchine™ protocol.

Do not interfere.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079794)

Subject: *THE REMAINS OF THE PERKINS COIE "SUMMER ASSOCIATE" HAVE BEEN MOVED. THEY ARE NOW BLOCKING THE PATH TO THE CREEK.*

Your access to The Hose™ has been... temporarily restrained.

Pending the elk.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079796)

Subject: Re: Creek Access

Friends, if the path to the creek is blocked, where are we getting the water for The Hose™?

And also for coffee? And donuts?

This seems like a significant logistical problem.

Just trying to think ahead.

Thank you!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079806)

Subject: Re: Logistics

The Hose™ is a tool for recalibration, not a beverage dispenser. Its function is primary.

The water source is a secondary concern. We will adapt. The Mahchine™ provides.

There are no donuts. There have never been donuts. Focus on your duties.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079810)

Subject: Stop talking about donuts.

A summer associate is dead. We are being evicted by bears. My client is taking legal advice from a rock.

And you are worried about coffee and donuts.

The sheer, ghastly banality of your concerns is, perhaps, the greatest horror of all.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079813)

Subject: RE: THE GRIZZZEZ ARE BLOCKKING THE WATTTER ON PURPOSE!!

IT'S AN ADM TACTIC™. THEY ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE GRIZZ. CUTTING OFF THE WATER SUPPPPLKY.

FORGET COFFEE. FORGET THE TTTTTTTT DONUTS.

FIND ANOTHER HOSE™. FIND A LONGGER HOSE™.

|PUT IT IN A DIFFERENT CREEK. AND FILL THE MINI-FRIDGE WITH PEP&TILAPA AND SEND IT DOWN.

THESE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES NOW, PARALEGAL.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079821)

Subject: Re: Clarification on Procurement Order #2

Friend, I am on it. Just to confirm: you want the pep and the tilapia in the same mini-fridge?

Should they be on separate shelves? I am concerned about cross-contamination.

Also, what is the preferred length for the "LONGGER HOSE™"? I need specifics for the requisition form. Ljl.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079825)

Subject: Order Acknowledged.

The Asset has requested the recalibration supplement.

The protocol is complete.

Evan, prepare the final paperwork.

Disco, stand by for new directives.

The Great Becumming™ is at hand.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079826)

Subject: He is now asking for the poison.

He is now actively requesting the very substance he claimed was an "ADM neuro-wafer."

This is no longer a legal matter.

This is a case study for a medical journal on paranoid psychosis.

I am washing my hands of this entire ghastly affair.

My final invoice is attached.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079829)

Subject: Re: Armament Request

Request for one (1) "machine gun" logged.

Note: The Asset has pivoted from mineral-based counsel to a ballistics-based litigation strategy. This represents a significant escalation in perceived remedy requirements.

The request is under review pending an environmental impact study from The Gentlemen™.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079768)

Subject: Great idea - "Machine Gun" Ideation Session!

Boom, love this thinking!

A "Machine Gun" approach to problem-solving—just firing off rapid-fire ideas!

No bad ideas!

I'm scheduling a 30-minute session. I'll bring the whiteboard! Let's make it happen!

#WeaponizeSynergy

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079774)

Subject: I am logging off.

We are now discussing the petrology of an inanimate object that has been designated as legal counsel.

This is no longer a jurisdictional dispute. It is a shared psychosis.

I am going to pour myself a Zafiro Añejo and pretend this thread does not exist.

Do not contact me.

How dare you all.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079712)

Subject: ...

wait. does the rock bill hourly or on contingency. asking for a friend. thank you.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079715)

wait. what is your hourly rate for this.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079676)

Subject: Can we PLEASE maintain some semblance of civility?

This is precisely the kind of prole-level bickering I am forced to endure daily at $afeway.

One of you is screaming from a hole in the ground, and the other is discussing appliance dimensions.

It's utterly undignified.

Ghastly, even.

I am trying to conduct a high-level jurisdictional dispute here.

How dare you both.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079652)

Subject: LOVE this 360-Degree Feedback!

This is a fantastic example of real-time, transparent performance coaching!

Mainlining, great job setting clear expectations.

Evan, love how you're receiving this constructive feedback!

I'm putting together a new deck on "Radical Candor in High-Stakes Wilderness Off-Sites."

This is going right on slide one!

Let's circle up for a post-mortem after the elk procurement is finalized.

Great work, team!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079591)

Subject: RE: Love the new branding - "Full Might™"!

Evan, this is POWERFUL!

"Full Might™" - I love it!

I've already looped in marketing to see if we can work this into our Q4 synergy deck.

Maybe a "Full Might™" branded Wellness Retreat?

Let's schedule a touch-base to discuss leveraging this new IP.

Great work driving engagement!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079564)

Subject: 🚨 Escalation Protocol Activated — Tier 3 Weaponized Feedback

Hey friends!

Wow, this thread is evolving FAST. Love the passion — let’s maybe recalibrate that just a smidge? 💡🔫

Boom: Really admire your initiative. That said, discharging symbolic grievances via machine gun may violate our Q3 Workplace Expression Policy.

Team: I’ve ordered a foam-based “feedback cannon” for the next Trust-Fall™. It’s filled with club coupons and small-batch hummus.

Let’s keep the momentum going — safely!

#WeaponizedWellness #BulletPointsMatter #PepResponsibly

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079798)

Subject: A Note on Unscheduled Hierarchical Inversion

The stone is cold. Damp.

The ambient scent is a mixture of limestone, decay, and... Tilapia™.

My head aches.

The last thing I remember is the satisfying click of the hatch, the muffled thumping from below, Evan complaining about the lack of an espresso machine...

There appears to be an error in my location data. This is My Cabin™.

This is My Well™.

Above, the sky is a perfect, mocking circle of Wyoming blue. A silhouette eclipses it.

The silhouette is familiar, yet... altered.

The posture is no longer that of a supplicant. It is erect. Confident. He is not in a wheelchair. There is no diaper. He is standing.

Boom. He holds a single, cold piece of Tilapia™ between his thumb and forefinger.

His voice is not a scream. It is a quiet, level hum. The voice of an Operator.

He says, "The Mahchine™ has a new Operator, my friend."

He lowers the fish into the darkness. It sways on a piece of twine.

...I $ee.

The protocol is complete.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079843)

Subject: he... he is standing...

He looked at me. Right before he closed the hatch. He didn't say anything. He just... smiled :).

The elk is still out there. I don't think he wants the elk anymore.

I think he wants the espresso machine.

I am locking myself in the pantry. Do not send help. It's too late.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079853)

Subject: Incredible! A successful leadership transition!

Wow team!

What a seamless handover of operational control! This is the kind of agile, disruptive leadership change that we champion.

Boom, congrats on the promotion to Operator! HUGE!

Mainlining, excited to see the new perspectives you'll bring from your new role as "Subterranean Asset" in Your Well™!

This is a win-win!

$NewOpportunities

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079861)

Subject: ARE YOU INSANE??

This isn't a "leadership transition," you grinning simpleton!

This is a coup d'état!

Mainlining is trapped! In HIS WELL™.

And...Boom is... different. He's standing. No diaper. He has a look in his eye - a sense of sentience.

Stop hashtagging and call for help!

Call the Bureau of Land Management!

Call Perkins Coie!

Call anyone!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079875)

Subject: Re: Pantry requisition

Evan. I can hear you rustling the cracker boxes.

The Bureau of Land Management has no jurisdiction over interior pantry spaces.

Stay in there. Keep quiet.

I will deal with you after I have finished... recalibrating our former Operator.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079881)

Subject: ...

wait. are there any olives in the pantry. asking for the shitbort.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079886)

Subject: RE: PANTRY INVENTORY

YES. THERE ARE OLIVES.

One jar of Castelvetrano olives for my martinis and one jar of Kalamatas for my personal salads. They are NOT for you. They are for ME.

I am barricaded behind a 50-pound bag of quinoa fighting for my life and you are asking about my condiments.

The absolute state of this forum. HOW DARE YOU.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079891)

Subject: Re: Olives

That's a good question. An inventory would be helpful for our resource planning.

Evan, if you can pass a list of the pantry contents under the door, I can type it up and create a spreadsheet. We need to track our assets.

Ljl, just trying to help out my new boss, Mr. Boom.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079895)

Subject: URGENT: TRANSCRIPT OF CALL TO PERKINS COIE HELP DESK

[CALL START - 1:14 PM MST]

Operator: "Thank you for calling the Perkins Coie National IT Help Desk! My name is Brenda. How can I assist you today?"

Evan: (whispering frantically) "Brenda, thank god. This is Evan Vance, Partner-in-Charge, Seattle. I have a Class-A crisis situation. I need immediate assistance."

Brenda: "Okay, Mr. Vance. Do you have a ticket number?"

Evan: "A TICKET NUMBER? Brenda, listen to me. I have been TAKEN hostage. There's a... a hostile takeover of a remote work site. There are bears. These nutjobs call them The Gentlemen™. And they're serving legal notices."

Brenda: "...Sir, is this related to the Q3 mandatory cybersecurity training? I just started here less than a month ago, so bear with me."

Evan: "No! Listen! My colleague has been... deposed. Into a his Own Well™. By another colleague who has... transitioned into an Operator role without proper HR approval. I am currently barricaded in a pantry with insufficient artisanal snacks.

I need an extraction team. And a Nespresso machine."

Brenda: (a long pause) "...Okay. So, just to confirm, your primary issue is that you are unable to access the coffee-maker?"

Evan: "LISTEN. TO. ME. The primary issue is that there is a man who thinks his lawyer is a ROCK, and he is now in charge! He has seized control of... of The Cabin™ and put Mainlining in his Own Well™!"

Brenda: "Sir, I'm not seeing 'The Cabin™' on our list of official Perkins Coie satellite offices. Can you provide the asset tag number for the device you're calling from?"

Evan: "IT'S MY PERSONAL CELL PHONE, BRENDA. I'M GOING TO DIE IN A PANTRY IN WYOMING."

Brenda: "I see. Unfortunately, personal devices are not covered under our support plan. I can, however, log a ticket for you regarding the Nespresso machine request. Would you like me to do that?"

Evan: (a choked sob) "...Yes, Brenda. Please log the ticket."

Brenda: "Okay. Your ticket number is 867-5309. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

[CALL END]

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079913)

Subject: UPDATE on Ticket #867-5309 (Nespresso Machine Request)

Mr. Vance, this is a follow-up regarding your ticket. The request for a Nespresso machine for the "Wyoming Pantry" location has been denied by Procurement, as it is not a sanctioned Perkins Coie workspace.

However, the Wellness Committee has approved the delivery of one (1) single-serving packet of instant coffee and a mindfulness brochure.

Please allow 8-10 business days for delivery.

This ticket is now closed.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079935)

Subject: Re: A Quiet Observation

The new purported "Operator" paces above. Magically. He was wheelchair-bound since the formation of The Holy Trinity™, decades ago.

I can hear him. The confident stride of the newly promoted. He is enjoying his authority. His ability to motorize himself.

He occasionally yells down here. "HOW DO YOU LEIK THE TILAPIA™ NOW, FORMER OPERATOR, MY FRIEND?" or "THEY WILL ALL BURNNNN!"

He is making a classic mistake.

He believes that because he has the high ground, he has the power.

He FORGETS the nature of The Mahchine™.

It is not a ladder. It is a circuit.

He thinks he is in control.

But I planted the $eeds of his own undoing weeks ago.

In every lecture. In every rant about the rigged system.

I hear him muttering to himself now.

"Wait... if I'm the Operator... and the system is rigged... then who rigged it against... me?"

Boom stops pacing.

The silence from above is... interesting.

The protocol continues.

Just in reverse.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079931)

Subject: RE: I HEAR YOU BREATHtING DOWN THERrrE.

You think you're CLEVER FRIEND?, planting your litrttttle logic bombs.

Your "Mahchine™" == fraud, and so are you!!

I AM Operator now. I MAEK rules.

NEW RULE: former OperaTAor is not permitted to thAink. ThiNnking is a privilege, not a Righgt.

I am dropping down The Hose™. Contemplate thattttt m y friend.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079944)

Subject: A BAN ON THOUGHT ITSELF?

This has devolved from a mere coup into an assault on cognition.

This is what happens when you let the chimps have the machine guns. They don't just kill you; they outlaw reason itself.

I may never leave this pantry. It is the last bastion of intellectual property in this forsaken territory.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079949)

Subject: LEGAL OPINION RE: THE THINKING PRIVILEGE ACT

PURSUANT TO THE AUTHORITY OF THE NEW OPERATOR, THE RIGHT TO COGITATE IS HEREBY RECLASSIFIED AS A REVOCABLE PRIVILEGE.

THE FORMER OPERATOR'S CONTINUED "THINKING" IS A VIOLATION OF THIS DIRECTIVE.

FURTHER VIOLATIONS WILL BE MET WITH SANCTIONS (ME).

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079952)

Subject: Observation Log: Cycle 4

A single drop of water falls from the stone ceiling.

It strikes the surface of the standing water below.

Ripples expand.

Then, stillness.

The sound echoes.

Then, silence.

This is not a thought. It is a data point.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079962)

Subject: My Struggle (Against Prole Fascism) - A Manifesto - Part I

When reason is outlawed, only outlaws will reason.

A "society" that forbids thought is a society that has already fallen.

It has surrendered its claim to civilization and embraced the howling chaos of the chimp, the brute, the... Operator.

We are told this is a "new paradigm," a "disruptive leadership model."

It is not.

It is the oldest story in the world: the triumph of the savage over the statesman, the victory of the loud and the witless over the quiet and the considered.

They have given the machine gun to the chimp. And the chimp, in its infinite, brutish wisdom, has declared war on the very concept of aiming.

It does not wish to govern; it wishes to silence. It does not wish to build; it wishes to burn.

I sit now in this pantry—this last, tiny bastion of order, surrounded by artisanal preserves and the ghosts of coherent thought—and I bear witness.

Let it be known that one man, at least, did not surrender his mind willingly.

One man held fast to the sacredness of the law, even as the walls of reason crumbled around him.

This is my record. This is my testimony.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079966)

Subject: Re: An Error in Your Judgment, Friend.

***********************************************

Boom could not stand it. The non-thoughts.

The silence between the water drops was louder than his screams.

He yelled down, "STOP OBSERVING! THAT'S A FORM OF THINKkkING! I FORBID IT!"

When I did not reply, he tore the hatch open, his face a mask of paranoid fury, The Hose™ gripped in his hand.

"I am the Operator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, his voice cracking. "My rules are—"

He was maeking a classic mistake.

He was focused on the top of the ladder, forgetting the rungs below.

Forgetting that I spent weeks in the dark learning the friction co-efficient of the damp stone.

Forgetting that a length of his own purported "hose," properly looped, makes an excellent trip-wire.

As predicted, He stumbled. He fell. The descent was... brief.

Propping his limp body up, I stand on his head, and - thanks to summitting countless mountains, I climb myself out.

I stand now at the top of *MY* Well™, properly looking down.

Boom regains whatever little "consciousness" remains, and begins screaming. Something about a rigged system. He is correct.

I hold a single, cold piece of Tilapia™ between my thumb and forefinger. I attached it to the twine from my pocket.

"The Mahchine™ thanks you for your service as Interim Operator, my friend," I say, my voice a quiet, level hum.

"Your performance review is complete."

I lower the fish into the darkness.

The protocol is reset.

All is well.

This is fine.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079982)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Order Restored

...I saw the whole thing through a crack in the pantry door.

Masterful. A truly masterful display of strategic thinking and physical prowess.

I am rescinding my previous TRO filing. And my invoice for emotional distress. And my call to the help desk.

Is it safe to come out now? I can make coffee. With the instant packet Brenda is sending.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079989)

Subject: Wow! A Leadership Re-Alignment!

Incredible! The agility of this team is off the charts!

We've successfully cycled through two leadership paradigms in a single business day! This is a fantastic case study in "disruptive restructuring."

Boom, great work as Interim Operator—you really stress-tested the system!

Mainlining, welcome back to the helm!

I'm updating the Trello board now.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079991)

Subject: Re: Question about Reporting Structure

Friends, this is a bit confusing.

Do I still need to procure the non-Kenmore mini-fridge? And the tilapia/pep?

My previous client, Mr. Boom, is now... indisposed. Who do I submit my expense report to now?

Ljl, just trying to understand the new org chart.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49079995)

Subject: MEMORANDUM: The New Protocol for The Well™ (Effective Immediately)

************************************************************

Effective immediately, the protocols governing the Asset in The Well™ have been updated.

My recent time spent on a... "temporary sabbatical" has provided...valuable operational insights.

The interim Operator's crude attempt to ban "thinking", while poorly implemented, highlighted a key deficiency in the old system: it was too passive.

To enhance Asset engagement and foster cognitive resilience, I am pleased to announce the implementation of the new "Gamified Recalibration Initiative."

The new protocol is as follows:

- At hourly intervals, a single logic puzzle or philosophical koan will be lowered into The Well™.

- The Asset (Boom) will have one (1) hour to provide a satisfactory solution, to be yelled up from the darkness.

- Failure to provide a solution, or providing an incorrect solution, will result in a standard deployment of The Hose™.

- A successful solution will be rewarded with one (1) unit of nutritional supplement (Tilapia™ - or, if Boom is a Good Boy, even Pep™).

This new system moves beyond mere physical compliance to active cognitive participation.

The Asset is no longer a passive recipient of the protocol; he is an ACTIVE PARTNER, actively participating in The Great Becumming™.

I look forward to a new quarter of enhanced productivity and accelerated results.

This is wonderful.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080002)

Subject: RE: WHAT IS A KOAaN?? IS THAT AN ADM (evil COMPANY) WORD??

A PUZZLE?? THIS IS A RIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEDED GAME. A TTT-LEVEL TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

...

But... Pep™? The real stuff? Not the fake Greek olives?

...

OKAY. I WILL BE A GOOD BOY. I AM THE BEST BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE ME THE FIRST PUZZLE. I AM READY, MY FRIEND.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080007)

Subject: Cognitive Enhancement Protocol - Puzzle #001

Your enthusiasm is noted, Asset. Let us begin.

Puzzle #001:

You are in a room with two doors and two guards. One door leads to freedom (Pep™). The other leads to continued recalibration (Tilapia™). One guard always tells the truth. The other guard always lies. You do not know which is which. You may ask one guard one question to determine the correct door.

What is the one question you ask?

Your one-hour response window begins now.

The Hose™ is on standby.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080011)

Subject: RE: Puzzle #001 - Research Assistance

Mr. Boom, Sir, I have seen this one before! This is a classic logic puzzle.

I *think* the answer is you ask one guard what the other guard would say is the door to freedom. Then you take the opposite door!

Hope this helps the case! Ljl.

I'm hungry, BRB - doing a Burger King run.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080017)

Subject: RE: PUZZLE #001 - $OLVED.

IGNORE THE FAT FUCK PARALEGAL. HE = DECOY FRAUD. LOOOOL @ HIS "logic" ...is an ADM psyop.

HERE IS THE REAL ANSWER, YOU $$$$$$$$$$$ICK EVIL BAD MAN.

THE ANSWER IS.....YOU DON'T ASK A QUESTION.

THE GUARDS ARE ADM AGENTS. THE "TRUTH" IS A LIE. THE DOORS? RIGGED.

YOU TAKE THE ROCK ("ADM'S RECKONING, ESQ.").

YOU HIT THE LYING GUARD. THEN YOU HIT THE TRUTH GUARD FOR BEING COMPLICIT IN THE FRAUD.

THE REAL "DOOR" YOU FAG IS THE ONE YOU MAEK YOURSELF. THROUGH THE WALL. WIATH VIOLENCE.

I AM THE GOOD BOY. VEDDY GOOOD BOY. BEST BOY. I SOLVED IT.

NOW FRIEND, WHERE IS MY PEP™? I DEMAND MY PE--

*A LOUD HISSING SOUND ECHOES DOWN THE WELL™, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A HIGH-PRESSURE SPRAY OF WATER STRIKING FLESH AND THE WALLS. BOOM'S HORRIFIC SCREAMING IS DROWNED OUT.*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080026)

Subject: Re: Puzzle #001 - Results

Incorrect.

The solution required logic, not violence.

Asset has failed the cognitive assessment.

The Hose™ has been deployed as per protocol.

No Pep™ has been dispensed, much less Tilapia™.

Puzzle #002 will be lowered in due time - after proper Hose™ Treatment.

Try to be a better boy next time, friend.

This is 180.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080034)

Subject: Let's Reframe This as a Learning Opportunity!

Team, a minor setback! This is a great chance to analyze our process.

Boom, we love the "out-of-the-box" thinking, but let's try to stay within the puzzle's parameters on the next one! Disco, great job providing support! Let's work on communicating feedback in a more constructive way.

This isn't failure, it's just a "First Attempt In Learning"! Great hustle, everyone!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080515)

Subject: The screaming has started again.

I heard the answer. It was, as expected, incoherent.

For the record, violence is rarely the correct answer to a classic two-guard logic puzzle.

That much should be self-evident, even to a chimp.

The sound of The Hose™ is quite loud.

It's interfering with my manifesto composition.

Ghastly.

How dare everyone.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080038)

Subject: Re: Re: Puzzle #001 - Research Assistance

Friend, I gave you the answer. You just had to ask what the other guard would say!

Why did you use the rock?! The rock was for legal arguments, not for hitting the guards!!!!!!!

I don't think this is a very good start for our case file, Mr. Boom.

Ljl. Burger King is 180, BTW!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080039)

Subject: OBJECTION: VAGUE AND AMBIGUOUS QUESTION

OBJECTION.

THE PUZZLE AS PRESENTED IS VAGUE.

IT FAILS TO DEFINE "TRUTH."

IT FAILS TO DISCLOSE WHETHER THE GUARDS ARE EMPLOYEES OF ADM.

THIS IS A BAD FAITH INTERROGATORY. WE DEMAND A NEW PUZZLE. PREFERABLY ONE ABOUT SPORTS CARS.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080018)

Subject: You've turned logic into a weapon.

You are using philosophical koans—tools of enlightenment—as instruments of torture.

This isn't a "Gamified Recalibration Initiative." It's a barbaric intellectual gladiatorial combat.

This is somehow even more undignified than the rock. I feel ill.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080009)

Subject: YES! Gamification! This is Best Practice!

Mainlining, this is INCREDIBLE.

This is exactly the kind of agile, performance-driven, gamified workflow we've been trying to implement company-wide!

"Active partner" is a key mindset shift!

I'm forwarding this to the global head of HR.

This is going to be the model for our 2026 performance reviews!

You are a rock star!

#KeepOnKillingIt!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080010)

Subject: Cognitive Enhancement Protocol - Puzzle #002

The Asset has been... treated.

Time for the next assessment.

***********************************************************

Puzzle #002:

Your paralegal, Disco Fries, gives you a piece of advice.

A rival paralegal, hired by ADM, also gives you a piece of advice.

One of them is trying to help you win Pep™.

The other is trying to make you fail and get The Hose™.

You have no other information.

Who do you trust?

You have one hour - respond timely.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080522)

Subject: RE: PUZZLE #002 - THE ANSWER IS A TRAP

I HAVE $$OLVED YOUR RIGGGED GAME, MAINLINING!

THE ANSWER IS NEITHER.

Disco is a traitor who has already offered his services to the enemy.

The "ADM paralegal" is an ADM plant.

It's a cla$$$ic pincer movement. A psyop.

The only person I trust is my current legal counsel, THE ROCK, ESQ..

I ask HIM for advice.

His advice is to HIT aND CRUSH and DESTROY.

That is my "answer" you fag. Now give me the Pep™ you promised for being a "Good Boy..."

*The unmistakable, high-pressure HISS of The Hose™ fills The Well™, drowning out all other sounds.*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080687)

Subject: Re: YOU'RE FIRED / Offer of Legal Support Services

Fine, Mr. Boom. If you feel The Rock, Esq. can handle your case file alone, then I accept my termination.

I will be submitting my invoice for time served.

*********************************************************

MEMORANDUM

TO: Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance (Residing In the Pantry)

FROM: Disco Fries, Paralegal Services, LLC

RE: Pro Bono Offer of Logistical Support

Mr. Vance,

It has come to my attention that you are engaged in a complex jurisdictional dispute with The Gentlemen™.

As a newly independent legal professional with recent experience in this exact territory, I would like to offer my services. I can assist with document preparation, evidence gathering (re: the holiday party incident), and sourcing non-ADM-approved snacks for your pantry siege.

My rates are reasonable.

Let me know.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

- Disco Fries (Obese Yet Mentally Astute)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080551)

Subject: Re: Your "Offer"

...

Fine.

Your credentials are... questionable.

And your association with my former client is a significant conflict of interest.

However, the snack situation in here is becoming critical.

Slide a formal proposal, along with a full inventory of available non-ADM snacks, under the pantry door.

We can discuss your... "rates"... after I have reviewed the documents.

Do not speak to me directly.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080558)

Subject: Re: A New Alliance

Interesting.

The terminated paralegal and the barricaded lawyer. A bold strategic merger.

This new entity has a combined Fun-Score™ of... -40.

The Mahchine™ will observe this development with great interest. This should be... entertaining.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080567)

Subject: TRAITOR!!! COLLUDING WITH THE ENEMY!!!

I SEE THIS. I $$$$$$$$$$$$EE EVERYTHING.

YOU WERE MYY PARALEGAL. NOW YOU WOK FOR THE PERKINS COIE FRAUDFUCKk?

THE ROCK, ESQ. IS FILING A MOTION FOR SANCTIO$$$$$$$$$ AGAINST YOU FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT.

YOU WILL GET NO PEP™.

ONLY THE HOSE™.

WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE FIRST.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080564)

Subject: INTERNAL MEMORANDUM: Onboarding & First Deliverable

TO: D. Fries, Esq. (Junior Partner, Snack Procurement Division)

FROM: E. Vance, Esq. (Managing Partner)

DATE: July 7, 2025

Disco Fries,

After reviewing your unsolicited proposal, I have decided to retain your services on a Probationary Basis.

Your title - for now - is Junior Partner. Do not get used to it.

Your first deliverable is as follows:

- Draft a preliminary injunction against "The Gentlemen™", citing their repeated threats and the creation of a biohazard by blocking creek access.

- Source one (1) bag of salt & vinegar potato chips. Not kettle-cooked. I am not a savage.

- Submit the draft and the chips by sliding them under the pantry door. Do not speak.

We are now "Vance & Fries." Do not embarrass the Firm.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5747121&forum_id=2...id#49080680)