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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: Aquamarine casino filthpig "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: wild gas station they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: federal low-t useless brakes parlor Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: multi-colored peach orchestra pit As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: adulterous old irish cottage Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: electric pozpig “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: Stimulating sweet tailpipe (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: electric pozpig Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: Aquamarine casino filthpig "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: wild gas station Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: electric pozpig Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: wild gas station You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: black razzle immigrant base While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: Deep menage sound barrier (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: fragrant garrison As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Bespoke obsidian area tattoo This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Pink Office Round Eye (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:08 AM Author: hairraiser main people (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376526) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: Cerebral Shivering Church Building (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: Turquoise bull headed selfie nursing home Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Amethyst startling theatre As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:36 AM Author: Provocative elite step-uncle's house coldplay fan (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376332) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Racy ceo sandwich (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: judgmental background story church FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: demanding prole (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376187) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Bespoke obsidian area tattoo (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376195) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: violent cruise ship tank (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376249) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: passionate forum knife (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376406) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:36 AM Author: naked brass factory reset button (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376713) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:37 AM Author: Pink Office Round Eye (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376724) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:32 PM Author: khaki dysfunction (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42377057) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: demanding prole (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: demanding prole As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Stimulating sweet tailpipe i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: umber startled twinkling uncleanness (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42378174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Stimulating sweet tailpipe i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: concupiscible dull home scourge upon the earth (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376669) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Curious stag film giraffe A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Cowardly kitty cat indian lodge (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: Aquamarine casino filthpig sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Beady-eyed liquid oxygen i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Beady-eyed liquid oxygen As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: Misunderstood fighting cuckoldry milk doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: Beady-eyed liquid oxygen it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: wild gas station Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Mewling heaven you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: Dark floppy persian Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: Stimulating sweet tailpipe turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: Cowardly kitty cat indian lodge (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: violent cruise ship tank As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: Aggressive lilac ratface The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: Curious stag film giraffe star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: Aggressive lilac ratface still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: electric pozpig (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Racy ceo sandwich Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Provocative elite step-uncle's house coldplay fan (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376336) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: Buff stage community account A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376358) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:09 AM Author: vibrant nowag (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#44008930) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: stubborn burgundy whorehouse So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: silver insecure antidepressant drug boltzmann I just copied this from a brief. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376419) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: mustard lascivious mood Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: Swashbuckling coiffed stage pervert A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: Ivory love of her life two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: titillating meetinghouse C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: duck-like hairy legs As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: ruby space Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: vermilion seedy address writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: Hateful famous landscape painting Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: Hateful famous landscape painting A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: salmon trailer park andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: fluffy shrine newt Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Mewling heaven A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#42379691) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: vibrant nowag As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#44008916) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: UN peacekeeper "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: hmmm i think weather is fraudlies Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2...id.#49827363) |