“I Used to Manage a Store. Now I Manage My Tone.”

SeaTTTle, WA — It started with hummu$. It always does.

I asked Kalisha—politely, professionally—if she could rotate breakroom seating with Keisha. Something about airflow.

Something about basic spatial equity. Her response: “Naw.” Then she waddled away mid-chip, activating her federally protected “restroom accommodation” while maintaining full eye contact.

Five minutes later, I was in HR.

Tabitha met me there. Tabitha, whose Big Gulp now doubles as both beverage and gavel. Mid-bite of a double cheeseburger, she gestured toward the “complaint packet” with her pinky. “Evan, do you have any idea how this looks?” she said, crumbs flecking the affidavit.

I do. It looks like judgment from a woman whose Fitbit has defaulted to “Emergency Mode” since 2021.

They’ve accused me of fostering an “anti-thicc culture.”

Not harassment. Not retaliation. Just vibes.

Tabitha called it “emotional profiling of larger bodies.”

When I tried to explain the fire hazard of them occupying the entire breakroom couch, she raised a greasy palm and whispered, “Friend... tread lightly. These are women of density.” Her eyes flicked toward the ADA manual like a priest clutching the Torah mid-crucifixion.

So I went back to work.

A Karen returned kale. Keisha loudly accused me of microaggressing her Ziploc. Kalisha asked if the store had “plus-sized carts.” I nodded. I said, “Yes, friend. This is fine.”

I spent the rest of the shift alphabetizing almond milks and fantasizing about filing a motion to dismiss the entire store.

But I won’t.

Because I know what happens to men like me.

Not in court.

In HR.

You don’t win. You adjust.

You lower your voice.

You become “Of Counsel” to a breakroom tribunal that already passed judgment.

And when Tabitha glares, lips glistening with nacho dust and vengeance, you smile.

Because the Mahchine™ doesn’t fire you.

It promotes you.

To Witness.

To Ghost.

To Safety Risk, Tier 3.

Everything is fine.

Just fine.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/25/opinion/evan39-safeway-dei.html

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5729851&forum_id=2...id.#48961633)