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Getting Diagnosed with HIV Taught Me How to Live (vice)
| smoky stain | 10/18/19 |
| Insanely Creepy Generalized Bond Mental Disorder | 10/18/19 |
| fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut | 10/18/19 |
| lascivious puce gaping | 10/18/19 |
| Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio | 10/18/19 |
| Mewling skinny woman | 10/19/19 |
| Scarlet rough-skinned library | 10/19/19 |
| trip territorial stage rigor | 10/19/19 |
| fishy vigorous hell | 10/18/19 |
| Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler | 10/18/19 |
| Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler | 10/18/19 |
| vengeful sapphire boltzmann | 10/19/19 |
| smoky stain | 10/19/19 |
| Aromatic fuchsia property | 10/18/19 |
| smoky stain | 10/19/19 |
| Demanding insecure crotch | 10/19/19 |
| laughsome topaz stock car market | 10/19/19 |
| fishy vigorous hell | 10/19/19 |
| vengeful sapphire boltzmann | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| Mewling skinny woman | 10/19/19 |
| Demanding insecure crotch | 10/19/19 |
| Jet-lagged Toilet Seat | 10/19/19 |
| Umber newt | 10/19/19 |
| Boyish offensive bawdyhouse | 10/19/19 |
| Exciting very tactful volcanic crater | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| Alcoholic coldplay fan | 10/19/19 |
| Umber newt | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| Navy locale antidepressant drug | 10/19/19 |
| fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut | 10/19/19 |
| fishy vigorous hell | 10/19/19 |
| Nubile fantasy-prone black woman | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| Boyish offensive bawdyhouse | 10/19/19 |
| ruddy concupiscible knife | 10/19/19 |
| Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio | 10/19/19 |
| Umber newt | 10/19/19 |
| fishy vigorous hell | 10/19/19 |
| Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| unhinged idea he suggested | 10/19/19 |
| indecent big marketing idea | 10/19/19 |
| sexy dysfunction native | 10/19/19 |
| fishy vigorous hell | 10/19/19 |
| excitant olive school cafeteria headpube | 10/19/19 |
| Salmon immigrant theater | 10/19/19 |
| Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio | 10/19/19 |
| Umber newt | 10/19/19 |
| fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut | 10/19/19 |
| Out-of-control public bath | 10/19/19 |
| Fragrant Persian Regret | 10/19/19 |
| smoky stain | 10/19/19 |
| Out-of-control public bath | 10/19/19 |
| bipolar clear half-breed cuckold | 10/20/19 |
Poast new message in this thread
Date: October 18th, 2019 8:35 PM Author: smoky stain https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/4w5n8j/getting-diagnosed-with-hiv-taught-me-how-to-live
"Hey Daddy, let me have your toxic load."
"I'm sorry? What?" I replied.
"I want that poz load, daddy. I'm negative. Will you bury that infected load deep inside me?"
This was the beginning of a conversation I recently had on Scruff, a gay dating app. It was also the end of that conversation, because instead of lecturing this guy on the transmissibility, or lack thereof, of my undetectable HIV-plus "load," I just blocked him. I tested positive in 2013, at the dawn of a new age of HIV—the age of PrEP and super antiretroviral drugs and undetectable viral loads (which simply means that your HIV meds have suppressed the virus in your body to the point where it doesn't show up on blood tests—and is highly unlikely to be transmittable to others). It was a far cry from the age I grew up in, surrounded by the ravages of AIDS. I watched my mother's friends die, and I saw the stigma that accompanied the sickness.
For the majority of my adult life, HIV was a monster under the bed—the worst thing, relatively speaking, that could happen to me.
And then it happened. Was it everything I feared? Far from it. I'm often shocked at the relatively low impact HIV has had on my life. But it did change something larger in how I see the world, and how the world sees me.
Namely, learning I have HIV brought my own mortality into focus. If this could happen to me, I realized, anything could happen to me: aneurysms, cancer, bullets in the head while walking down the street.
And then there's that lurking feeling that I'm just a little bit tainted, a little dirty. Here's how another conversation on an app began:
"Wait... do you have AIDS?"
All my dating profiles clearly state that I am HIV-plus and undetectable—it's one of the first things people see, so that I don't have to continuously come out.
"I don't have AIDS. I'm poz undetectable," I explained, perhaps being too gracious.
"Man, there's no difference. You're still sick. Can I get that if I let you suck my dick?"
I don't even know how to talk to people like that. I try to remind myself to be patient, that these are opportunities for education.
But then again, why the fuck do I have to be the educator? There's Google, for one, and the countless studies and articles and documentaries and blogs it will show you. If you are a gay man living in a major metropolitan area in 2016 and you don't know the difference between HIV-plus undetectable and AIDS, you're being willfully ignorant. And probably deserve to get blocked.
But I tried to be patient anyway, and explain things to him.
"Yeah, seems too risky, man," he said in response. "Like, maybe your spit will get in my piss hole or something. Just let me know when you're better, and we can do it then."
"I'm not getting better," I wrote, hitting send before I realized how much I wish I hadn't written that.
And sometimes I get mad at the unfairness of it all. I tested positive when I was 44, two years sober from a 24 yearlong fight with heroin. I know exactly how it happened—it was with a fuck buddy of mine. Someone I trusted (and someone I still trust). We hadn't used condoms in years. We both got tested regularly. I was topping him, and I honestly believed that because I was the top, there was no way I was at risk. I felt safe. He felt safe. He called two weeks later to tell me he tested positive. He got unlucky with another guy, and it was just one of those perfect storms.
I remember thinking: I didn't get sober just to get AIDS. And I remember the moment they told me, in the testing van outside the gay bar where I work, on a Sunday afternoon. I drove home crying. When I told my husband, Alex, he held me and told me it would be OK. That we would be OK.
And so far Alex has been right. We have been OK.
I'm lucky. I have the support of my husband and our boyfriend, Jon. I have the love of all my family and friends. And I refuse to hide my status or deny it. I mention it on Facebook all the time, and I discuss it using every social media profile that I have. I try to be as open and comfortable as I can, because I think it's important to show people who are out there and frightened that it is OK, and that we are OK. You might feel tainted, you might feel diseased and ugly, but we aren't. You are strong. We are survivors. We are still here.
I remember my mother's friend Tony. He was one of the most beautiful men I'd ever seen. He would babysit my brother and me, take us out to lunch, and tell us completely inappropriate stories about his sexual adventures on Fire Island. This guy was responsible for most of my teenage masturbation fantasies, and he made being gay seem glamorous and magical, full of sex and love and wonder. When I saw him lying in bed at the hospice, sick, thin, and dying, it felt like the world was ending. All the beauty and glamour and love I'd found was fading away with amazing men like Tony.
I try to remember him when someone says something unkind or hateful to me about my status. I try to remember going out for hot fudge sundaes after his funeral with my mother and all his gay friends. Someone turned a radio on, and we danced in the fading New York City sunset and laughed. When I asked my mother why we were laughing, she said, "Because we're tired of crying, baby boy. Because it's better to laugh."
It's them that I remember when others try to bring me down. Beautiful and strong, all dead now.
When I found out I was positive, I made a promise to myself and to all those men who died that it would have meaning. I was going to take this and make something out of it.
When I lie in bed at night and feel terrified, and think an Oxy or heroin or a joint is what I need to quiet my head, I remember that promise I made. When I become so scared of failure that I imagine packing up my life and disappearing, I remember that this will mean something. I will do something with it.
I get to live. Even if it means living with HIV, I get to live. And I am going to live as much as I fucking can. For all those dancing men. For Tony. For all of us.
Follow Jeff Leavell on Twitter and Instagram.
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Date: October 18th, 2019 8:37 PM Author: Insanely Creepy Generalized Bond Mental Disorder (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998266) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 8:38 PM Author: fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998270) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 8:40 PM Author: lascivious puce gaping "HIV-plus" is a new one. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998281) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 8:41 PM Author: Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio This guy: getting held by his husband after getting aids from a fuck buddy
You: trying to navigate around 17 Jewish holidays your biglaw bosses observe in September and October |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:00 PM Author: Mewling skinny woman (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999758) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:23 PM Author: Scarlet rough-skinned library (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000027) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 5:39 PM Author: trip territorial stage rigor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000847) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 9:32 PM Author: fishy vigorous hell (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998447) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 9:37 PM Author: Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler Perfectly normal. Perfectly healthy. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998468) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 9:40 PM Author: Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler Let’s see middle aged man who “kicked” a quarter century long heroin habit gets hiv from a hookup while his husband and their boyfriend were elsewhere or perhaps at the gay bar where the guy worked. Totally normal. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38998478) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:48 AM Author: vengeful sapphire boltzmann (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999734) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:54 AM Author: smoky stain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999747) |
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Date: October 18th, 2019 9:42 PM Author: Aromatic fuchsia property Can't make this absolutely depraved and degenerate lifestyle up:
"I tested positive when I was 44, two years sober from a 24 yearlong fight with heroin. I know exactly how it happened—it was with a fuck buddy of mine. Someone I trusted (and someone I still trust). . .
I'm lucky. I have the support of my husband and our boyfriend, Jon. I have the love of all my family and friends. And I refuse to hide my status or deny it." |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:55 AM Author: smoky stain Literally lol'd at this. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999748) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:33 PM Author: Demanding insecure crotch bla bla bla im a slut, bla bla bla im a total slut, bla bla brave. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000223) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:51 PM Author: laughsome topaz stock car market So brave (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000275) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:46 AM Author: fishy vigorous hell (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999728) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:49 AM Author: vengeful sapphire boltzmann (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999736) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:53 AM Author: unhinged idea he suggested This writer is ridiculously serophobic. Wow (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999742) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:00 PM Author: Mewling skinny woman (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999763) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:34 PM Author: Demanding insecure crotch hay hay, more like herophobic, mister man! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000226) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:56 AM Author: Jet-lagged Toilet Seat I remember my mother's friend Tony. He was one of the most beautiful men I'd ever seen. He would babysit my brother and me, take us out to lunch, and tell us completely inappropriate stories about his sexual adventures on Fire Island. This guy was responsible for most of my teenage masturbation fantasies, and he made being gay seem glamorous and magical, full of sex and love and wonder. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999752) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:02 PM Author: Umber newt (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999776) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:10 PM Author: Boyish offensive bawdyhouse (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999807) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:11 PM Author: Exciting very tactful volcanic crater :thinking: (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999810) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:41 PM Author: unhinged idea he suggested Sounds like an amazing mother (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999912) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:03 PM Author: Alcoholic coldplay fan (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999969) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:18 PM Author: Umber newt So 100% chance Tony molested the author? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000009) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:02 PM Author: unhinged idea he suggested *110%
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Date: October 19th, 2019 5:38 PM Author: Navy locale antidepressant drug (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000845) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:42 PM Author: fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001271) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:09 PM Author: fishy vigorous hell And then there's that lurking feeling that I'm just a little bit tainted, a little dirty. Here's how another conversation on an app began:
"Wait... do you have AIDS?"
All my dating profiles clearly state that I am HIV-plus and undetectable—it's one of the first things people see, so that I don't have to continuously come out.
"I don't have AIDS. I'm poz undetectable," I explained, perhaps being too gracious.
"Man, there's no difference. You're still sick. Can I get that if I let you suck my dick?"
I don't even know how to talk to people like that. I try to remind myself to be patient, that these are opportunities for education.........
But I tried to be patient anyway, and explain things to him.
"Yeah, seems too risky, man," he said in response. "Like, maybe your spit will get in my piss hole or something. Just let me know when you're better, and we can do it then."
"I'm not getting better," I wrote, hitting send before I realized how much I wish I hadn't written that |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:11 PM Author: Nubile fantasy-prone black woman ljl @ this BUGGY BOI making up fake grindr encounters to make it seem like 100% of fags don't seek THE GIFT (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999814) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 12:46 PM Author: unhinged idea he suggested The author is something else
https://jeffleavell.com/2019/10/16/the-la-list-my-favorite-places-to-fuck-dance-eat-and-play-in-la/amp/?__twitter_impression=true |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:23 PM Author: Boyish offensive bawdyhouse This blog is degenerate as fuck. These people secretly hate themselves, right? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000029) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:02 PM Author: ruddy concupiscible knife Wow (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#38999968) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 1:25 PM Author: Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9bga88/how-i-figured-out-the-rules-of-my-three-way-relationship-721
Backstory on boyfriend Jon |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:03 PM Author: Umber newt (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000144) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:03 PM Author: fishy vigorous hell When I met Alex I knew I had met my soulmate. We met on Scruff, a gay hookup app—his username was Spy in the Cab, a Bauhaus reference, that was a throwback to my youth. He was supposed to be a trick. Just a fuck. He was working on a movie and suggested we go to dinner. I was disappointed; I didn't want to go to dinner, I wanted to get straight to the fucking, but I conceded.
I remember the moment Alex walked into my house. Stunned is the only word I can think of. He was so handsome it was breathtaking.
He couldn't look me in the eye. Later he told me it was because he was sure I hadn't seen him right, that at any moment I was going to realize how ugly he was. Which is idiotic because Alex is gorgeous. He is huge and muscular and Dominican, with the most beautiful, innocent, wondrous eyes I have ever seen on a man |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:55 PM Author: Stimulating ultramarine wagecucks deer antler Jfc (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000290) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:11 PM Author: unhinged idea he suggested "I remember the moment Alex walked into my house. Stunned is the only word I can think of. He was so handsome it was breathtaking.
He couldn't look me in the eye. Later he told me it was because he was sure I hadn't seen him right, that at any moment I was going to realize how ugly he was. Which is idiotic because Alex is gorgeous. He is huge and muscular and Dominican, with the most beautiful, innocent, wondrous eyes I have ever seen on a man."
I refuse to believe this man is gay |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:31 PM Author: unhinged idea he suggested You really ought to read this article (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000217) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:49 PM Author: indecent big marketing idea this is flame, right? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000270) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:33 PM Author: sexy dysfunction native Probably not. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39002011) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:02 PM Author: fishy vigorous hell So brave (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000133) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 2:47 PM Author: excitant olive school cafeteria headpube lol incel losers don't even have to worry about THE GIFT (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39000260) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 8:00 PM Author: Salmon immigrant theater (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001310) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:28 PM Author: Big-titted 180 step-uncle's house digit ratio https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/ywxy9g/my-search-for-meaning-after-the-death-of-my-ex-boyfriend
Lmao boyfriend Jon is DET |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:40 PM Author: Umber newt RIP BF JON (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001267) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:45 PM Author: fiercely-loyal temple juggernaut Of course he is. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001275) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:43 PM Author: Out-of-control public bath Jumped the shark at calling the rabbi part lmao (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39002026) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:47 PM Author: Fragrant Persian Regret lol @ the opening. halford troll target happened to be a vice writer, what are the odds. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001277) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 7:58 PM Author: smoky stain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39001303) |
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Date: October 19th, 2019 11:48 PM Author: Out-of-control public bath (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39002037) |
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Date: October 20th, 2019 12:10 AM Author: bipolar clear half-breed cuckold vice indeed (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4366305&forum_id=2#39002094) |