Dear How to Do It,

I saw my girlfriend of six months being orally pleasured by her neutered male dog. She doesn’t know I saw her. I don’t know what to make of this. We both come from fairly conservative backgrounds and have limited sexual experience. I can’t imagine discussing this with her. But I can’t get the image out of my head. I really like this woman, and one side of me wants to say it’s no big deal, just another way to masturbate. But this is bestiality, right? Isn’t it technically illegal, or at least immoral? I keep wondering what she’s thinking while we have sex, and my appetite for oral is nil now. This is sad because we had been communicating well about sex (a first for me). I can’t talk about it with friends like I usually world. So I ask you, how weird is this? What would you do?

—Puppy Love

Dear Puppy Love,

What you describe, doggone it, is bestiality. Any sexual activity with an animal that is invited or facilitated by a human is bestiality. (Rover taking it upon himself to hump your leg doesn’t quite qualify.) It is illegal in most states, though somewhat counterintuitively, possession of pornography that features bestiality is legal in nearly every state. Look but don’t touch, says the law. The prevailing understanding is that because animals, which are sentient beings, cannot consent to sex, having it with them is unethical. As far as I can tell, studies have not been performed on the traumatic effects of bestiality on animals (so, sex researchers who may be reading, there’s a topic for you to pursue), but it’s generally a good rule of thumb to assume the worst and not have sex with animals.

What you describe, doggone it, is bestiality.

I understand your desire to write this off, and I think “Bestiality: Just Another Way to Masturbate” would be a catchy, if untrue, slogan for an animal lovers’ lobby. While I suppose it is conceivable that one could enjoy the feeling of a dog’s tongue without being attracted to the dog it is attached to, per se, it’s not like your girlfriend was on a desert island with no vibrator and a Labrador. Getting eaten out by a dog is a choice. (I’d also be at least a little insulted that she opted for a dog’s tongue instead of mine if I were you.) In fact, if she were sexually attracted to the dog, the troubling thing would be less her urge than the execution of it. It’s one thing to have fantasies, and it’s quite another thing to enact them. Zoophilia is not an uncommon fetish, though I wouldn’t say it’s widely practiced. (You can decide whether that fits your definition of “weird.”)

Her behavior is well within the reasonable boundaries of deal-breakers. Is this someone you want as a sex partner? A life partner? Wanna share your girlfriend with a dog? That seems, uh, rough. You’re only six months into things. Be happy that you discovered this now, while it’s still early.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4426505&forum_id=2#39465704)