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So I was out in in the city with a few friends from prep school, heading home from a night drinking at the usual places. Normal protocol is to take a car home, but tonight was different. After taking cars to the casual function at the Princeton Club earlier in the evening, we decided to send the drivers off in favor of a new experience.

We took the subway.

Like Neil Armstrong in Kiton blazers, we stepped off the stairs and onto the alien land of the subway platform. Several observations immediately came to mind. First, we noticed that the platform is covered in shit, semen, feces and trash- the first sign of the lower classes. Amidst the filth was a man selling magazines, cigarettes and food out of a wooden shack. I had seen similar shacks on the Discovery Channel, and mused that the subway is a lot like Africa.

Second, we noticed that the subway is not very prompt. We must have stood there for at least five minutes waiting for whatever was supposed to happen. Normally, I would be infuriated at having been made to wait-- but this time I savored the moment and drank in the vast ecosystem of poverty that surrounded me. We had hit the motherlode; the platform was teeming with poors.

While I was taking in the squalor, a fucking bum shambled up to us and begged for change or food. Fearing for our lives, we considered beating the shit out of him by stomping on his head with topsiders and no socks. Careful not to make any sudden movements, I retrieved a box of orange tic-tacs from my pocket (they match the orange Lacoste polo I cleverly wore to the Princeton Club before changing to go out) and offered him one. He mumbled something angrily and shuffled away to starve somewhere else.

At last we could hear the bleat of the train in the distance. One of my friends took some nickels and threw them at the tracks when we saw the headlights, hoping the mongrels would plunge over the side to their deaths in a hysterical display of PWN4AG3. Tragically, they did not.

The train was not at all like I expected. I looked nervously at my prep school friends, visibly shaken as horror gripped us-- the train was stuffed with poors, nearly spilling out of the cylindrical metal tube like a broken sausage casing. We plunged into the shit, battling our way into the train as a phalanx of poors tried to repel us. So I kind of pushed back against the “people,” but not that hard because I was wearing a $400 shirt that I had to protect from the taint of mediocrity. We rushed past one of the poors’ commanding officers (he was wearing baggy clothes and had a stain on his $5 Nets shirt) and were able to overtake some seats near the back of the train.

When we were finally able to sit down, I noticed how the TTT seats didn’t have cushions or cupholders, unlike my father’s Bentley. I like to stretch out and put my arms out on armrests, so the discomfort of riding in this cramped, Auschwitz-couture piece of shit put me on immediate high alert.

And that’s when it happened. Some dumb fucking bitch stepped on my foot and scuffed my shoe. My prep school friends and I looked at each other and considered beating the shit out of her--we would totally PWN her, because there were 4 of us, and she couldn’t have been older than 10. Plus we collectively outweigh her by like 400 pounds. Alas, cooler heads prevailed that day.

The rest of the journey was rather uneventful. The poors moved like a swirling cloud of locusts as they rushed on and off the train, hurried to get to whatever jobs they don’t have. My head dizzy from the poors’ stench, I cupped a hand over my mouth so that I wouldn’t breathe their germs or get AIDS. I took in the sights of the safari as I grew impatient for our stop. I saw every size and shape of miscreant, including people wearing sunglasses in a subway at night, a couple people in suits with rubber-soled shoes, and a guy with a Casio watch. I also saw some bitch who looked like a fish.

As the rolling tube of filth careened into our stop we dashed onto the platform and ran up the stairs to safety. Despite my fond memories of the time we shared in pre school I was not about to go back for any of my friends if they should stumble--you need to watch out for yourself when this many poors are involved.

We arrived at the surface and did a quick headcount, then walked up the street while recounting our adventure. Walking away, I couldn’t help but glance over my shoulder and watch the rabble swarm up and down the subway steps, my heart touched by the perpetual motion of FAIL dancing under the streetlights.

EDIT: I have determined that True Elites should have a special subway, maybe where the poors line up and we walk on their heads to the next car like that scene in Crocodile Dundee.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11074907)

This made me LOL:

"One of my friends took some nickels and threw them at the tracks when we saw the headlights, hoping the mongrels would plunge over the side to their deaths in a hysterical display of PWN4AG3. Tragically, they did not."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11075178)

topsiders with no socks, auschwitz-couture...great stuff.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11075165)

180^180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11075209)

Surely you have not gleaned Ignatius from this wretched trough of superficiality!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11077568)

SY wishes he was 174

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11077808)

"Amidst the filth was a man selling magazines, cigarettes and food out of a wooden shack. I had seen similar shacks on the Discovery Channel, and mused that the subway is a lot like Africa."

"Careful not to make any sudden movements, I retrieved a box of orange tic-tacs from my pocket (they match the orange Lacoste polo I cleverly wore to the Princeton Club before changing to go out) and offered him one."

"I also saw some bitch who looked like a fish."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=946802&forum_id=2#11076884)