You’d think this would be about religious fasting or ethical veganism.

Nope. Today, I had the pleasure of meeting Doug, self-proclaimed “vegan by existential necessity.”

Doug stormed into the meat aisle like a warrior poet, gagged dramatically at the sight of ribeyes, and demanded I “cease perpetuating the cycle of flesh consumption.”

When I politely explained that I stock what corporate sends, he yelled, “You’re contributing to systemic oppression, friend!” and marched straight to HR.

Tabitha, my ever-reliable "ally" in chaos, barely flinched when I explained the situation. Between bites of a Popeyes drumstick, she muttered: “Evan, you can’t invalidate his lived experience. Legally, he might be entitled to emotional damages.”

While I restocked the meat section, Doug circled like a hawk, loudly telling every customer about “the fascist butcher, Evan.” He even live-streamed himself protesting “the systemic trauma inflicted by Big Meat.”

Clocked out late, whispered, “Yes, friend. This is fine.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5630906&forum_id=2̃#48315100)