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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
| obsidian meetinghouse lettuce | 04/30/21 |
| up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt | 04/30/21 |
| irate friendly grandma dragon | 04/30/21 |
| Sickened heady stage | 04/30/21 |
| carmine stag film | 05/02/21 |
| yellow dilemma wrinkle | 02/25/22 |
| frisky legal warrant associate | 04/30/21 |
| maniacal trip coffee pot | 04/30/21 |
| obsidian meetinghouse lettuce | 04/30/21 |
| frisky legal warrant associate | 04/30/21 |
| obsidian meetinghouse lettuce | 04/30/21 |
| up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt | 04/30/21 |
| irate friendly grandma dragon | 04/30/21 |
| frisky legal warrant associate | 04/30/21 |
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: irate friendly grandma dragon they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: Sickened heady stage Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: carmine stag film As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: yellow dilemma wrinkle Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: frisky legal warrant associate “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: maniacal trip coffee pot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: frisky legal warrant associate Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: irate friendly grandma dragon Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: frisky legal warrant associate Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: irate friendly grandma dragon You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: charcoal passionate kitchen sound barrier While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: Hideous chrome site (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: Sinister Maroon Hairy Legs Shrine As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Adventurous laser beams This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Diverse Legend (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:08 AM Author: Contagious Base (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376526) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: Magenta frozen resort (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: Rough-skinned center Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: black wagecucks As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:36 AM Author: provocative mint nursing home police squad (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376332) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: fragrant sweet tailpipe (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: marvelous bossy pit FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: fishy parlor goyim (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376187) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Adventurous laser beams (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376195) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: Orchid sanctuary halford (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376249) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: pink appetizing idiot juggernaut (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376406) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:36 AM Author: Jet turdskin hall (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376713) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:37 AM Author: Diverse Legend (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376724) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:32 PM Author: avocado 180 pisswyrm address (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377057) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: fishy parlor goyim (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: fishy parlor goyim As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: maniacal trip coffee pot i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: Burgundy greedy lodge cuckold (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42378174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: maniacal trip coffee pot i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: rambunctious brethren state (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376669) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: comical cobalt multi-billionaire A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Ultramarine Irradiated Hospital Boiling Water (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: aquamarine fluffy school cafeteria i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: aquamarine fluffy school cafeteria As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: obsidian meetinghouse lettuce doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: aquamarine fluffy school cafeteria it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: irate friendly grandma dragon Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Impressive Vigorous Box Office you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: laughsome piazza philosopher-king Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: maniacal trip coffee pot turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: Ultramarine Irradiated Hospital Boiling Water (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: Orchid sanctuary halford As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: vivacious ladyboy The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: comical cobalt multi-billionaire star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: vivacious ladyboy still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: frisky legal warrant associate (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: fragrant sweet tailpipe Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: provocative mint nursing home police squad (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376336) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: Sick property antidepressant drug A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376358) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:09 AM Author: Aromatic judgmental native preventive strike (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44008930) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: thirsty theatre So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Gaped church building internal respiration 400 km/h, 450 km/h, 500 km/h, 550 km/h; A could feel the force of the acceleration pressing him against the sport bucket seats of his Turbo Allegra Mk. 2, their soft, well-sourced alcantara cosseting his tightly leather chapped legs, the micromechanical motors within instantaneously adjusting to each minor perturbation in the vehicle's three-axis orientation to keep him perfectly balanced, its SWIFT systems scanning kilometers ahead of them in real-time and predictively modulating the various electromagnetic and anti-kinetic shielding systems in order to protect their passage as they rocketed upward toward the gateway to area X--area X, the Sacred Seat of Cybernetic Heaven, its secrets whispering to the hovels of his birthplace below, beckoning brave boys with the Siren Song: "Come, Unlock Our Treasurehosue of Wonder or Die Trying"; "It's a goddamn marvel--" that was B, his copilot jockey, in the seat beside him--he'd always liked the tech stuff, engineered things were his jig and jive and the natural knack he'd expressed for them had been evident since his Fourth Year when he'd spontaneously programmed a molecular excavator during off time while the rest of the class was at the playground; he and B had been practicing for this for over three years, secretive sessions when the sensor rings slipped from alignment every third week on Sunday for maintena--"we have a fucking BOGEY at 3 o'clock HIGH!" B screamed, interrupting his meditation on the past--the systems of the Allegra were fast, but B was faster and he'd spotted the incoming a split second before the computerized indication of the same: "Warning, SWIFT has detected an intrusion in the third--" he cut off the computer; he knew what he needed to know: C was moving to intercept them in his Outrigger, accompanied by D; they'd planned for this eventuality, both the conflict itself and the psychology of facing your own brother and cousin 45 kilometers up in the air, each precise maneuver tiptoeing on the razor thin edge between life and death, a minute miscalculation capable of throwing you off the wrong side into a fiery midair death--there was something poignant about it, the notion that he could die up here in an instant and to his friends and family in the warrens of Bressville below, toiling through their daily tasks with no comprehension of the enormous aerial pageantry above them, his life could blot out with no greater signifier than a vanishing spot of light in the sky; he banished the thought of this and other things as he shouted in the cockpit "let's smoke these fuckers" and pushed down hard on the throttle, the frame of the Allegra bending, straining, complying with the command as they soared to meet the enemy head on, he and B laughing aloud at the thrill of it all. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376393) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: thirsty theatre Wow (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376411) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: Gaped church building internal respiration I just copied this from a brief. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376419) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:15 AM Author: pink appetizing idiot juggernaut (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376574) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:21 PM Author: Stirring Slate Indirect Expression Location (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377415) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: Iridescent Spectacular Milk Forum Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: Nighttime crusty public bath A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: wild set two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: Mind-boggling Factory Reset Button C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: outnumbered church As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: ungodly generalized bond liquid oxygen Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:27 AM Author: Burgundy greedy lodge cuckold This was basically gromjoh's poast above except his was more concise. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376665) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: Adventurous laser beams You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: At-the-ready arousing temple Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: At-the-ready arousing temple A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: ivory soggy casino really tough guy andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: Pearly Space People Who Are Hurt Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Impressive Vigorous Box Office A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42379691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:50 PM Author: Impressive Vigorous Box Office (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42387061) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: Aromatic judgmental native preventive strike As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: up-to-no-good seedy private investor newt OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44032743) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: Aromatic judgmental native preventive strike "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: Ultramarine Irradiated Hospital Boiling Water Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827228) |
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