Author: slackfist cumduster

I will post these as I encounter them over the summer.

Today, I noticed he always opens push doors with a closed fist. I asked him why in passing, he was immediately ready with the following enumerated list which he counted on his fingers:

"1 - it hardens my knuckle bones to make my punches more devastating; 2 - it prevents me from leaving my fingerprints on the door; and 3 - it collects germs on my knuckles which will cause infections in the people I punch who aren't immediately incapacitated, like a kimodo dragon."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15334029)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156149)

Author: slackfist cumduster

he keeps a change of clothes in his office. his blue dress shirt has the word "blue" written on the inside tag. I was too scared to ask why.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15341488)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156150)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I got up the nerve to ask today. Went something like this.

"Hey, why did you write 'blue' on this shirt?"

[matter of factly] "Because it's blue."

"But isn't that obvious?"

"Not if I go colorblind."

"Isn't that something you have to be born with?" [he shrugs] "Wouldn't braille have been a better choice since you are far more likely to go regular blind?"

[looks at me like I'm insane] "Dude... I can't read braille..." [walks out of the room without breaking eye contact, vaguely disgusted]

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15387540)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156152)

Author: slackfist cumduster (http://img801.imageshack.us/img801/5999/img0313vn.jpg)

Today I went to print some stuff off from his computer and noticed a word document titled "conversation_starters.docx" in the My Documents folder. It was seriously just a bulleted list about 4 pages long of conversation openers he clearly thought up himself. I didn't have time, but I'll email the thing to myself and post the whole doc here if I get another chance. Some memorable gems include:

"Where do you get your dog groomed at?"

"Can you tell I use an electric razor?"

"How long do you typically like to shower for?"

"Aren't iPods crazy?" (I fucking lost my shit after this one and had to stop.)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15440108)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156154)

Author: slackfist cumduster

Last week I asked if he would write me a LOR at the end of the summer, which he flatly declined. I only realized today that he wasn't joking. When I pressed him for a reason, he said it was nothing personal and he thinks I'm doing a great job, he just doesn't write LOR as a matter of policy because he doesn't want to get sued for sexual harassment. Visibly baffled, I asked him how the two are in any way related. In response, he silently got up, walked over to my desk and started giving me an aggressive shoulder rub while saying in a low, breathy voice "you're doing a real good job here slackfist, reallllllll nice." Then returns to normal and says "See?" as if his point has been conclusively demonstrated.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15444703)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156155)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I just asked him if he had and BIG PLANS this weekend, he responded (without finishing the huge mouthful of mostacholi he brought from home in a large tupperware container) "Working on my pound game... bitch." I can't help but laugh, he resumes stuffing forkfuls of pasta into his mouth.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15455398)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156158)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I swear to god, he requested new staplers for the office and the reason he put on the requisition form was that the current model of staplers we had were "not on my level."

The request was rejected.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15457346)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156159)

Date: July 12th, 2010 7:27 PM

Author: slackfist cumduster

He had a compression boot on today like what you get when you sprain your ankle. Despite pretty much everyone who saw him asking what happened he refuses to tell anyone how he got hurt or to what extent because "that's his freedom."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15487032)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156160)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I asked him what his superpower would be if he could have any one and he said "either being able to control the DNA content of my ejaculate or instant death."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15507359)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156161)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I went on his computer again today but the file wasn't there anymore, I think he realized that I looked at it. I really hope he doesn't lurk here now that I think of it. I was however able to retrieve his google search history, which, among a ton of boring legal shit, included such gems as:

"make crab rangoons"

"muy thai kick technique"

"do cats have emotions"

"what's wrong with slyvester stalone's face"

"d b cooper"

"homemade harpoon gun"

"make a net"

"blinking world record"

"gay conspiracy theory" (WTF?)

"fred durst death"

"radioactive banana" (WTF?)

"moth people"

"mothman conspiracy"

"mothman sightings"

"mothman friendly"

"mothman sexuality"

"get around website blocker"

"web proxy"

This is only going back to May btw.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15514707)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156163)

Author: slackfist cumduster

He talked about Gulliver's Travels today. In a recorded deposition. For at least three solid minutes. By the time he concluded the entire room had grown silent, confused and afraid; it was as if they were watching a dragon hatch from a egg for the first time, unsure if it would imprint and love them forever or kill them without hesitation.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15525709)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156164)

Author: slackfist cumduster

"You doing anything cool tonight?"

"Are you familiar with Mad Max the film?"

"Yea, it's a great flick. You watching that tonight?"

"No, I'm DOING that tonight."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15531908)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156165)

Author: slackfist cumduster

Today I was looking for something in the pile of files in his office. He was slumped in his chair listening absently to the phone, saying nothing, just staring at his desk. When I look at him he covers the receiver with his hand and whispers "What's a sodomy raffle?" I told him I didn't think such a thing exists, to which he responded, "yeah, he probably said something else."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15553214)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156166)

Author: slackfist cumduster

Today he gave me a brief overview of how he would revamp general traffic rules in the US; it includes personal speed limits based on "driver expertise points" and and 4-way stop/yield laws based on relative make and model prestige. We then debate for 20 minutes about who yields in Lincoln town car v. H2 Hummer, which eventually devolves into him sending the entire legal department a survey worded with an overt pro-hummer bias.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15563739)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156169)

Author: slackfist cumduster

While discussing the last words of Alexander the Great, the conversation turns to what we would want our own last words to be. He says he wants his last words to be delivered via text message to everyone in his phone book as his final act. Anxiously, I asked what he would send, to which he replied "Asterisk dies asterisk"

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15572190)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156172)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I've been keeping a list of his one liners since I started this thread since none of them really deserve their own posts.

(Preparing for court) "Is this tie sufficiently menacing?"

(A handwritten note slid to me at counsel table) "When I give the signal, START SWINGING."

(At lunch) "Is there a breath holding requirement for navy seals?" *takes audible, deep breath, holds for ~20 seconds* "How long was that?"

(To an unfamiliar defense attorney before an arraignment) "You box?"

(Sitting around) "Did you see Finneas and Ferb yesterday?"

(I walk in first thing in the morning, his printer is completely disassembled on his desk. In an angry, terse tone:) "DO YOU- ..."

(Outside. A nominally heavy middle aged woman crosses the street 3 blocks away. He hits my arm with the back of his hand, leans back, closes one eye and points directly at her and makes the wah-wa-waaaa disappointed sound.)

(I walk into his office late on a Friday, he is standing with two other guys in suits who I do not recognize. He points to me with both hands:) "Grizwald's Pub. Right now. You in?" (There is no Grizwald's Pub.)

(Walking to our cars, he produces a can of tuna fish from his interior suit pocket and hands it to a homeless guy without acknowledging him.)

"Think there are any blogs about Houdini?"

(Interjecting into a conversation) "You need building schematics? I can GET YOU building schematics bro." (No one was talking about building schematics.)

(On at least 4 separate occasions.) "I'm going to get an RC car with a camera on it." (When asked why he only responds with "THINK ABOUT IT!")

(re C&F) "I disclosed my juvenile collar for tagging... (disappointed) ... they didn't ask me about it."

(re drug experimentation) "Yeah I tried meth once, that's the licoricey one right?"

"From a purely Coasean perspective, there HAS to be some number of dog lives that equal a human life."

"My great uncle was a cereal tycoon."

"I'm not scared of him, I just don't want to confront or upset him because of how he would retaliate against me."

"I had this dream I worked in a factory that removed chicken's beaks." "... and??" *he laughs* "I know right?!"

(Excitedly storming into the office) "Dude, dude, have you SEEN the Usual Suspects?! Huge twist, huge."

(Despite uncontroverted, authoritative evidence to the contrary, he insists Estonia has no income taxes.)

"No man, falconry is like EXTREMELY exclusive. There's only one falcon master left on Earth and he's very picky, I've researched this."

"Sometimes you gotta roll with the thunder." *makes thunder noise*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15581799)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156173)

Author: slackfist cumduster

A recent aggressive escalation of one of his long standing shticks has given me a strong suspicion that he is running IRL flame on the office purely for his own amusement.

I've titled it the "my friend Robert" shtick, which basically involves him making clearly erroneous statements to coworkers based on the representations of his extremely credentialed friend Robert. Two shocking new instances include his searching for "high performance" car batteries online after his friend Robert (who has a physics degree) told him his current battery "didn't have enough ohms to run his car properly"; and his taking half a sick day to go to the doctor since his friend Robert (who is in medical school) told him he had clubbing in his fingers which may indicate lung cancer or other lung diseases.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15626384)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156174)

Author: slackfist cumduster

I asked to second chair at his closing argument for a particularly interesting case today. As I approached his office door I noticed it was closed, which is unusual. As I got closer the treble heavy, muffled techno music grew louder. Upon entering his office I saw him sitting serenely at his desk, blaring Darude's Sandstorm from his tiny, crappy computer speakers. Once he notices me he confides his frustration at the speakers lack of bass and how they no longer let him bring his JVC Kaboom box into the office. When I ask if he is ready for the closing he tells me that "those who dare oppose me will stand knee deep in the blood of their children" then attempts to give me crazy eyes, but ends up looking like a guy with really bad CP who just smelled a gross fart. I laugh so hard I get light headed. I end up not going into the court room since I keep remembering the face and bursting into laughter at inappropriate times, completely unable to restrain myself.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15637247)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156175)

Author: slackfist cumduster

His vacation begins tomorrow and I am done at the end of the week, so today was the last day we spent together.

After realizing this, he somewhat curbed his usual subtle flame lead-in and began crafting hamhanded situations in which I would use his new phone to call someone or answer a call made to it. It wasn't until the third time I made a call that I noticed it. He has one of those 3G smartphones with the scrolling list of contacts accompanied by a picture. Spinning rapidly all the way through until the F names something caught my eye, a silly contact picture.

No one I recognized, a closeup of guy in his 30's, totally normal except for one thing, his eyes were looking in impossibly different directions, one to the upper left, the other to the lower right. It's a humorous image, but I don't even laugh out loud, until the next F name, closeup of an older woman, probably late 60's, same eyes, and the next, and the next, and the next.

I literally lose my breath, my heart pounds in my ears. The top of the screen says 214 contacts, I'm scrolling fast now, stopping at random points, spin, googly eyes, spin googly eyes, our boss, googly eyes, "Mom", googly eyes, his accountant, website photo with googly eyes.

Each of the 214 photos, painstakingly photoshopped. I'm doing that breathless kind of laugh that sounds like mourning/being choked. He tries not to react to my reaction, but for an instant I'm sure he cracks a smile, then deadpans, "why are you laughing?"

At the end of the day I tell him how great it was to work with him and ask if we could keep in touch. He bellows an unnaturally abbreviated laugh, calls me a faggot, and walks away.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15695428)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156176)

Author: slackfist cumduster (Karen Smith's Gym Clothes)

In what is, by at least an order of magnitude, the best news I have received this year, I have been invited to a cookout at the apartment of the greatest human being I have ever had the privilege to know.

Upon opening my mailbox, I immediately recognized the invitation as his handiwork. The format was a 9x11 inch white envelope haphazardly addressed with a red sharpie. No return address. Two upside down rectangular horse stamps.

With a childlike anticipation I haven't experienced since Christmas morning in the early 90s, I cautiously opened the top end with a steak knife. Empty... While I could objectively appreciate the awesomeness of this joke, I couldn't help but be disappointed, and frankly, personally hurt.

But alas, a closer inspection of the inside of the envelope revealed further scribblings drafted with a barely perceptible and badly faded highlighter. I cut the rest of the edges open to unfold it into a large sheet of paper and moved to better light. (As a side note, all of the edges were intact so I have no fucking idea how he wrote in there.)

It read:

Please forgive the unconventional stationary, this party is only for the clever.

WHERE: Sept 26, 4:00-???

WHERE: [radek address]

WHERE: BBQ

WHAT: Please RSVP immediately, if not out of courtesy, then as proof of your problem solving abilities. No pets.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#15989628)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156178)

Date: December 4th, 2010 5:49 PM

Author: slackfist cumduster

I got released from the hospital a few days ago, I will not discuss details about this for anonymity reasons.

The guy no longer works for the DA's office, he quit without giving notice, any notice, to anyone, as in he just stopped coming to work. His cell is no longer in service. The out of office reply to his personal email is as follows:

*****

Hey, guys, I'm going to Tibet or Korea or something for awhile for this, like, start-up project and I guess they're pretty off the grid over there. If it's an emergency call [redacted hotel number that always goes to an answering machine and is never returned, the message is in French followed by what I think is Mandarin] and ask for me. Had to get in on the ground floor of this ASAP so sorry for the short notice.

To [brother]: If you don't want to take care of the birds just let them free in a forest or shopping mall.

To [presumable GF]: I'm dumping you obviously.

To [slackfist]: If you ever wake up I'm sorry I gave you that shit [massive OD of datura] and I'm sorry didn't stop you when you tried to do that thing [dive through the gap of a giant, slowly spinning industrial fan in an isolated corner of an illegal warehouse rave: successfully, then again later, unsuccessfully].

Please don't look for me,

[Aspie Alpha ADA], Esq.

*****

I remember almost nothing from the night of the party. I remember his house being huge, I remember doing the nightshade tea, I vaguely remember an Asian guy beating the hell out of an Asian woman. I know he crashed his car and hurt someone. I know what ego death is now. I am fine physically except for some serious scars and for the first day or two after I came out of the coma I couldn't remember the right words for most nouns and some verbs.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1348346&forum_id=2#16720968)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156179)

(xo faggot in 2006 re 2004-05)

(xo faggot in 2007 re 2004-06)

(xo faggot in 2008 being correct)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#26004556)

Yes, it was retroactively 180 b/c we cherrypicked the 180 poasts and bumped them but people like you politicized everything and there's a certain point when i don't want to talk about the same shit about SJWs and hillarycucks being cucks for the 5236424362345th time

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1938989&forum_id=2#33156168)